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When Depression Came To Stay

When I initially started this blog back in 2010, I intended to share it solely as a weight loss journey, but there is so much more to me than a love-hate relationship with food. In fact, the "ugly truth" is that I've been secretly struggling with Depression, PTSD & Anxiety for more than a decade. Everytime I stepped forward to be freed from the bondage of my truth, I ran back to my safety net of isolation. Behind closed doors, I was an emotional wreck. I struggled with getting out of bed & putting one foot in front of the other. I struggled with low self-esteem, contributing to binge eating and yet managed to master "faking the funk" in public. No one noticed the pain that was hidden behind the fake smile, the fake laughs, and the bubbly personality! I learned at an early age to "serve others" with my whole heart, even when it meant neglecting my own well-being! But what happens to a “pressure cooker” that fills to capacity & there's no escape? It boils over!

This is a shortened version of what happened to me and somewhere underneath the piles of hurt, disappointments & pain was a broken women struggling to gain an identity! Who had God called her to be? This was the basis of her struggle and the missing component of her foundation. Who was she outside of the pain, the tears & the sadness? Surely, God didn't create her to die without one earthly contribution and suffer in silence from a broken heart and an unfulfilled life!

I didn't create this blog to air out my dirty laundry or to cry "wolf!" I created this blog as a testament of faith that I'm still believing God for my healing and in the meantime I pray that my story serves as motivation for others to keep pushing. The most difficult thing about suffering from mental health illness is wanting others to understand what you're going through but they won't! Sometimes I can't articulate my pain, identify the reason for my sadness or explain my overwhelming need for seclusion. Sometimes "being social" is just too much. I'd rather find solace in meditation. Those quiet alone times with God keeps me sane. It keeps me from falling too low. It helps me discipline my mind & train my thoughts to rid myself of any self-defeating behaviors. My faith keeps me balanced, even on the not so good days! Everyday is a struggle to make sense of this "thing" that has somehow stayed around longer than I expected, but God has never left me out here in this wilderness alone. He has been my source, my light & my salvation!

Although my genetic disposition says that this illness is hereditary, I know God to be a healer and on His time, this "thing" too shall pass. If you or anyone you know suffers in silence, I encourage you to believe your Creator for your healing! Will it be easy? Absolutely not, but it will be worth the wait!  

Oftentimes, I find myself taking a sabbatical from the church scene, but I never stray far away from God. He is indeed my rock! I pray that hearing my story and sharing my journey from pieces to peace will inspire you to do the work & make a fresh commitment to your healing & recovery. I believe that our greatest ministry lies within our hearts to be of service to others. Travel with me from brokenness to wholeness one step at a time---one day at a time! The joy of the Lord really is your strength!


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