A Daily Dose of Freedom

So it’s 1:09 am and my spirit is highly vexed. I just regained consciousness from a terrifying cold sweat. God summoned me in the wee hours of the morning to gain my undivided attention. It’s definitely a praying time. It appears he’s sounding the alarm to warn me that my fences have been infiltrated and there’s an enemy present within my camp.  Somewhere between "lala land" and lucid conscious dreams, I woke up with a decapitated head in my lap, which appeared to be my own. From what I gather in hindsight, it appears the nearby enemy made one clean slice across my throat (from behind) to silence me into submission.  My ears have been bombarded with an avalanche of negativity to disrupt my peace and infect my harmony. As a result of continued avoidance, I suffered severe consequences. I abandoned my post right in the middle of a war zone. The enemy posed as an ally and lured me into the wilderness. Once I willfully obliged in darkness, they taunted me with cat and mouse games...

"For only the light which we have kindled in ourselves can illuminate others." -Arthur Schopenhauer In my unplanned absence, I've fantasized about these fingertips tapdancing on this keyboard to explore rhythms of my creative unknown (parts of me that others can't touch), with my shoulders draped in my favorite, cozy fleece throw, while enjoying a mug filled with my favorite Bigelow Salted Carmel Tea topped off with a splash of Almond Milk. Don't judge me! It's an acquired taste (to say the least). As I draw closer to another birthday, "simplicity" consumes my heart with overwhelming joy! I don't need a lavish "forty plus" vacation to tickle my fancy. Give me a "real day" off---without phone service, social media, or human contact. I could use an isolated day or two (off the grid) in solace to fully recharge. Even though I grew some social wings over the summer, I'm still a die hard i-n-t-r-o-v-e-r-t! God's work is s...

“Resolve to be thyself; and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.” —Matthew Arnold So as the days draw closer to my birthday, I’ve found myself in a rather nonchalant mood. My inner peace had become estranged by the subtle background noise that has claimed pieces of my easy-going temperament. To put it bluntly, I’ve just about reached my limits of dysfunctional joint connections! When my body engages in “stressors,” either of two things happen: I eat or shut down. Recently, I’ve become too familiar with both. My sour disposition has been the direct result of failed rescue attempts and unsuccessful interventions. I’ve continually overextended myself, leaving very little behind for my disposal. I’ve managed to abandon my goals to make myself available for others— those that have already decided that they don’t want my help because they haven’t even acknowledged that they needed it. In turn, my “perceived failure” forced me to realize that I’m trying way too hard! I’ve un...

My relationship with God has been somewhat peculiar to say the least. Trying to make sense of life's " mayhem " apart from him can leave you discombobulated and blue in the face. Gasping for air in the cracks of uncertainty, I found myself reaching for answers in the surrounding toxic air. For over two decades, anytime exhaustion settled in, I found myself on the couch curled up in the fetal position with a white blanket. My attempts to swaddle myself and suffocate the pain from my heart’s memory bank were always unsuccessful. My morning routine of affirmations landed on deaf ears. God’s armor felt too big for my britches. I subconsciously blamed my childhood family dynamics for not being prepared to stand unmoved in the fight. There wasn’t anyone available to lead; therefore, I skipped basic training. The sword felt bigger than my hands could rightfully hold. The enemy poked holes in my helmet, so I experienced headshots during attacks. I kept walking out of my il...

Social media created a new phenomenon with "it’s complicated" relationship status on Facebook.  I guess the hype serves notice to the "friends list" that this is not the platform to publicly display significant others and that keeping personal business off social media may be beneficial.  I'm still guessing.... Maybe "it's complicated" is a testament to the uncertainty of claiming someone that may not "claim" you in return.  If both are wrong, then please spare me the embarrassment; because I'm the one that relies solely on Google to decipher some of these abbreviations just to "comprehend" what's on some people's mind. Or just maybe...there are a lot of representations of "soul ties" surfing the net. I’m not sure! Who am I to judge, when my “love life” trumps nonexistent? Recently, I’ve read an influx of posts on social media that screamed at my spirit (in all caps) with the caption that ...

Once I fell back in "lust" with carbs, I secretly watched as my physical health spiraled out of control. In public, I ate according to the desired social setting. In the presence of health conscious friends, my plate reflected their healthier options to escape judgment. However, in the company of others, we ate till oblivion or the "itis" set in. I was the "queen of adaptation," so this was no different.  I was a survivor, a recovering food addict, a chameleon in complete disguise, not to deceive others but to conceal my truth. I was out of control and very few noticed because my conversations reflected such positive vibes. The mastery of deflection at work. My supportive nature became an escape. It was my defense mechanism to avoid the hard conversations about what was happening behind closed doors with me. Somehow, unknowingly, I re-invited that energy back into my space and I couldn't get rid of it. No one knew that I was "addicted to the...

Make space for your healing without compromising divine appointments. In hindsight, sometimes I complain about “juggling roles” because it gets overwhelming, but I overheard my mentor share a profound statement with a group of ladies. She said she only gets burned out whenever she doesn’t allow God to make the necessary provisions for her schedule. I’m not exactly sure what that looks like for her but it made me think about my own lack of time management. It seems as if I’m always on borrowed time cause I unintentionally mismanage mine. By now, everyone has heard the record spin a thousand times bout my introverted personality. I take staying in my own lane to a whole other level; so much so, that recently God has been tugging at my heart on the matter. Now there are some people that I have to unapologetically keep at arm’s length because their energy weighs me down. I’m simply not strong enough to carry their burdens, but I try to tactfully remind them of who can in good faith. ...

"Every woman that finally figured out her worth has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change."  -Shannon L. Alder During a recent family vacation, I spent some much needed quality time with my love, my grandson. It grieved my spirit a little, realizing he's no longer the little innocent baby that I get to hover over as an overprotective grandma. Unfortunately, unavoidable life circumstances striped me of the privileges of being an instrumental key influence in his life. Rather than succumbing to the wailing tears, I chose to "live in the moment" and enjoy the special allotted time with him. My phone wasn't a priority and social media wasn't a distraction. I freely chose to surrender my cell phone in a locker at the Water Park so that he could have all of me. He did just that. I'm sure he called Nana a few dozen times. Every time he took a plunge down a new slide, he wanted to make...

"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken." Matthew 12:36 I encountered a few annoying things, on yesterday, that grabbed my attention and kind of soured my overall mood. First, I witnessed someone extend an overwhelming amount of patience and consistency as they were hit with a "double whammy" simultaneously. Well, I'm sure it was nothing out of the ordinary for their daily ministerial routine because they were just flowing gracefully in their gift. My head hurt just imagining having to deal with something like that on a consistent basis. There was just no way that I could see myself being equipped for this call but their smooth execution silenced the firecrackers that exploded in my head as I offered invisible kudos to a job well done. Shadowing people in ministry gives you a different level of appreciation for the assignments that extends far beyond normal business hours. The need ...

Yesterday, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions that moved me to invisible tears--more specifically, some inner major highs and lows in the same setting. However, I just couldn't allow the tears to fall in God's presence with all that he's been doing in my life.  Surely, any trace of "sadness" in this season would be a flat out sign of disrespect-a slap in the face in exchange for his blessings. For a moment, I was elated about the sacrifices that I'd made over that last year that finally produced some tangible results. Then a temporary moment of "loneliness" overshadowed my win. I sat on the couch, physically dressed and ready to go somewhere--anywhere. But I couldn't think of one person to celebrate with and furthermore; what exactly was I celebrating?  In short, the answer was life! I had a few "unapologetic wins" under my belt but that felt foreign. Honestly, I was "scared" to celebrate. What if this "spir...

People are navigating through some pretty difficult storms that will leave a lump in your throat the size of a golf ball. In the past few weeks, I've read numerous heart felt local stories of tragedies, loss, and sickness on social media whereas family members have reached out for support, encouragement, financial donations and/or prayers. My heart collided with their grief as I imagined myself being in their shoes. I literally felt the sense of urgency for everyone, as they sat patiently waiting for overwhelming needs to be met. My heart ached in further contempt--frustrated that my bank account didn't yield enough commas to make it happen for everyone with legitimate needs. Many times, I would have to log off and just pray that God would touch the right hearts and that "giving" would not be a financial burden to the ones that were able/willing to be a blessing. I'm no stranger to crisis. (We've all been there a time or two.) I know what it feels like to ...

"Loyalty isn't straddling the fence of uncertainty. It's the fundamental building blocks of integrity that speaks the loudest without the presence of words." I don't know the exact origin of the phrase, "loyalty over everything," but I know it sounds the alarm for many, like me, with a proven record of trust issues. I like to think that I'm a fairly easygoing, gentle spirit but I've had my share of mishaps. My social awkwardness has a history of rubbing people the wrong way on occasion. I have a heart of gold but I'm not big on "small talk," so people insist that it's difficult to read my energy. I disagree wholeheartedly! People that take the time to get to know me understand that there's a bubbly extrovert lying beneath the surface just waiting to exhale. But loyalty, well that's a non-negotiable prerequisite for being in my space. My heart can't tolerate any less. I understand that my energy isn't welcome...

"From the withered tree a flower blooms." -Proverb Around the halfway mark of every year, it never fails. A few goals start feeling out of reach, a little dust of boredom settles in and the finish line seems further away than on yesterday. If you're anything like me, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of looking ahead of God's timing with a teardrop of frustration. The sweet agony of "waiting" can be quite the challenge. My head comprehends, "patience is virtue" but trying to convince my heart that God has not forgot...well that is a "continuous work in progress!" When our seasons change and we've conquered our fair share of storms, we're immediately ready to harvest a crop but how soon do we forget that  a "seed" doesn't bloom overnight? Not matter how much sun exposure, fertilizing or watering, it's still a process. Life is just like germination. Every step is equally as important to insure ...

"Our storms shouldn't impede our journey because "our faith" is the way maker."                                                                                                       -A Daily Dose of Freedom Lord, where has the time gone? My short hiatus hasn't been the result of back sliding to the wilderness or secretly struggling with strongholds in the privacy of my four walls. God intentionally placed me in a secluded place to do some serious soul searching. To get my head on straight and understand this "purpose" thing a bit more. You see for years, I've sat on the sidelines, nurturing "unworthiness." I spoon fed the doubt, insecurities and fears that the enemy planted in my spirit. (Trust me, what you feed will defi...

For the last couple of months, everything that could’ve gone wrong--did go wrong! For the most part, I tried to remain optimistic through the trials. I can’t say that I passed every test with flying colors because I did have some weak moments and a few, derogatory choice words extinguished my peace on frequent occasions. As I drowned hopelessly in a river of complaints, never ending demands and overwhelming obligations, my future appeared short of God’s promises. My life just wasn’t lining up with His word. Twenty pounds heavier, distractions on constant overload, and physically drained, I failed victim to the "survival trap" again. I tried to "perfect" the broken pieces. I cut my natural tresses, went bolder with my makeup and tried different things. Here, I was guilty as charged--dressed up my calamities but my mirror was warped. There was a crack, an ugly stain and unsightly blemish that distorted my vision. The real issue wasn’t what I "saw" but what I...

When I’m at the gym and there’s an elderly person next to me on the elliptical--killin it, I’m always a little embarrassed. I mean they could literally do laps around me without breaking a sweat, while I’ve dragged myself out of bed just to say, "I made it here today." I guess in my mind, I’ve earned some invisible pat on the back for effort or something! However, my little bragging rights are short lived when I peep their willpower, perseverance and tenacity to go the distance. Plain and simple--ain’t no stopping them!  As I sat quietly to get some work done, this early morning scenario rang heavily throughout my spirit. We could learn a lot from our predecessors if we just took the time to listen. If we weren’t so dismissive in the company of our elders, we could learn to really endure, without falling all to pieces everytime we stump a toe.  I’m all for the innovative ideas of the new millennials, but there’s something about "traditional work ethics" that appeal ...

One thing that I find pretty annoying in life is someone that attempts to feed my spirit with a bunch of "excuses" about any and everything. It literally makes my insides scream to God for mercy on my ear gates. My anxiety immediately shifts into overdrive with the mention of the word, "can’t." If you wanna see my whole face collapse into a pile of tension, just start ranting off a list of "impossibilities. Today, I took a breather from my regular, routine schedule to reconnect with some friends and I was blown away at the notable growth I witnessed. They weren’t the same group of women that I shared laughs with over coffee in February. They were vibrant, confident women who were clutching their jewels like the queens they had become. They were in a new season and I was ecstatic to celebrate with them on their newfound journey of success. I witnessed some break down limitation barriers and crush the enemies’ heads with the lies of fear that stifled creative jui...

Sometimes we find ourselves making excuses for things we refuse to do but secretly cry about the things that never change. We give until we’re depleted (at our own free will). We know better but won’t do better. We run, hide and blame everything and everyone outside of self for our problems. Why... Sometimes it’s easier to play the victim when you’re tired.  Sometimes "change" requires you to put that "mustard seed faith" into real action. Sometimes we "refuse" to live in submission to God’s will. Yesterday, I shed some heartfelt tears over a few situations that knocked the breath out of me. (Fresh off vacation...fresh into the lions den) My ego was bruised because I couldn’t bring any resolution to the issues. My heart was crushed because I couldn’t offer any signs of light--my hope was overshadowed by darkness. All of the situations at hand seemed beyond God’s attention. The future seemed pretty bleak regarding the matters.  I needed God to magnify my ...

We all have different perceptions of what a "happy home" should look like, smell like or feel like. Some may have wanted a two-parent household. Some might have this televised version of a stay-at-home parent baking goodies, packing lunches and carpooling them to school. But for many, the reality was quite different. Unfortunately, children don’t have a vote in the matter. They don’t get the luxury of opting-out of poverty, single parent homes and dysfunctional relationships, so they learn to survive. Then those same broken kids become broken adults, who spend their entire lives trying to recreate that imaginary space of a perfect household that doesn’t exist. So in turn, we buy our kids "things" to compensate for what we lack. We justify doing the wrong things for the right reasons. We want our kids to have a better life; but sometimes, we set them up for failure by creating a superficial system of entitlement that the real world doesn’t offer. Then we find ourselv...

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." --Galatians 6:9 So yesterday, I perused the mall at Myrtle Beach, not to shop but more-so for physical activity since I haven’t been too conscious of my calorie intake. Once I came to the center point, I caught sight of kids secured in some type of harness bounce off trampolines and fly way up into mid air. My anxiety skyrocketed every time I saw a kid shoot up into thin air. I would never have the courage to be so daring! What if the harness malfunctioned? Then the "what-if-list" turned into endless possibilities of what could go wrong. I hurried off a few minutes after my nerves had endured more than I cared to witness. As I walked away, the picture remained etched in memory bank. I chuckled, "Kids are such dare devils!" We, as adults, could learn a thing or two by tapping into our inner youth. What if we weren’t afraid to fail? I immediately thou...

As I was getting ready for a few days at the beach with family, the thought of packing gave me an immediate headache. Preparing to spend time away from home usually means taking everything short of the kitchen sink. My mind went into overdrive as I thought about all the electronics I "needed" to function on a daily basis and the anxiety grew stronger as I thought more about forgetting the accompanying cords. After checking the weather forecast for South Carolina, I pulled out endless clothing possibilities that left my bedroom looking like a tornado touched down. Truth be told, I wasn’t here for all the "glitz and glam" on this trip. I was in a lighter mood, so I wanted my wardrobe to reflect what I felt on the inside--freedom. I grabbed some tanks, leggings and a few dusters-Bam! I was done minus the toiletries, shoes and cosmetics. I could’ve downsized some more but I was proud of myself. I had accomplished something meaningful! For the first time in years, I wasn...

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." --Isaiah 53:5 When I recently got drafted to facilitate a lesson on "The Process" at a Woman’s Bible Study group, I was a little disgruntled. Give me a topic that I’ve already mastered and let me hit the ground running. Give me the reins to lead a group discussion from a place of victory but don’t put me in a vulnerable position to expose my weakness. I felt destined to fail but God had other plans little did I know. As I’ve stated many of times, my struggle has always been "middle ground!" I’m either dragging my feet in the valley or doing handstands on the mountaintop. However, lately I’ve been sprinting around the same mountain--complacent, unsatisfied and annoyed. I sat distressed, mourning and crying out to God like Paul with a "secret thorn" in my flesh. During the group discussion...

On Saturday morning, I hopped out of bed with the residue of defeat lingering like a thick cloud over my head from the previous’ days troubles. I didn’t feel like being social because I still felt slightly irritated. I thought about Pastor Richard’s nugget that he shared during a recent sermon on being "physically present" for divine appointments. To be honest, I was still trying to work through my social awkwardness. I simply gravitated towards people that seemed to enjoy my company. Those that didn’t care to share my space was perfectly suitable for my taste. It meant less stretching out of my comfort zone. I could live with that. So, here I was physically present to serve as a volunteer at this Street Church event but emotionally preoccupied. The biggest problem with introverts is that we spend a lot of time in isolation, working on "inward" feelings. There’s rarely room on our plate for much else because we’re so overwhelmed by working through our own stuff. Som...

On Friday, I tried to blog at least four or five times but the enemy kept sending petty interruptions my way. Well, maybe it wasn’t the enemy at all. Now, that I’m over all the endless shenanigans, I’m sure it was God’s protection. He wouldn’t allow me to fall flat on my face and completely stumble on my post. However, the more proactive I tried to be in conflict resolution, the more my flesh wanted to react. In this season, "time management" is at the top of my priority chain and little roadblocks have attempted to rob my serenity and tried my patience a time or two. As a result, I planned to write a sassy little piece about "burning bridges" because I was super annoyed. Every time I set out to pen my thoughts, a distraction claimed my immediate attention. By the end of the day, I was livid. I encountered one epic failure after another. When I finally arrived to my hair appointment, I told the hairdresser to cut it all off. There was a storm brewing on the insi...

As the hinges hang half hazardously on the remains of this dilapidated dwelling, the Holy Spirit enters this place to offer rest. Rest from yesterday’s troubles. Rest from present day trials.  Rest for tomorrow’s journey. Last night, I slept like a baby. There was a sweet peace that fell over my mind, my heart and my soul. Finally, it was truly well within my soul—a complete night’s rest of total submission. Somewhere sandwiched between exhaustion and perseverance, lay this physically present body eager to close my eyes in God’s presence but estatic to wake the deferred dreams. As I drifted asleep, my mind traveled pass complacency and straight to the mountain top of undeniable joy. I could smell the dreams manifested. I could hear bells from heaven, my dad cheering me on. I could see the tears of passion reigning over every hurt, mistake and detour. This wasn’t an illusion of victory. This was a lifetime of blood, sweat and tears in the making. This was growing pains of su...

For the past couple of weeks, seems like I’ve been on the receiving end of some brutal spiritual warfare. My flesh-subjected to excruciating migraines and ongoing inflammation that literally had me reaching for a Goody powder multiple times throughout the day just to function at mediocre.  I knew I was “stressed,” but I refused to utter that truth out of my mouth. I wasn’t about to claim it and more determined not to fold under the pressure. I wasn’t a stranger to discomfort, so I knew this attack would soon pass. God had brought me out of worst and I trusted Him to do the same. I flinched but I didn’t fall. I kept praying on the matter. God kept showing me the “culprit,” but I did everything in my power to resist the truth. I could see the problem plain as day but I kept going, trying to ignore what I knew to be true.  Sometimes we consider “disappointments” as personal failures that crush our ego, bruise our hands and leave a slight stain on our heart that resemble an old...

I’ve always been an analytical thinker for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I was very inquisitive. I needed to know the “why” behind most everything I participated in. Although most times, I had to settle for the short answer, “because I said so,” or pick my teeth up off the floor. I chose to quietly settle in contempt to keep me teeth perfectly fixated. Learning to accept that the adults in my life ran their households as dictatorships without question of authority didn’t suit me well but I learned to go with the flow to appease others. I wasn’t about to be subjected to spankings for allowing my inquisitiveness to get the best of me. Pretty much, the same thing, jobs refer to as insubordination, families refer to as disrespect, so I remained quiet, hidden and afraid. Subsequently, my relationship with God has mirrored those same attributes. It’s all I rightfully knew. No wonder, I’d been seeking refuge in the valley, my foundation was planted on a rock of tradition that no long...