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Big Chop

"Every woman that finally figured out her worth has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change."  -Shannon L. Alder

During a recent family vacation, I spent some much needed quality time with my love, my grandson. It grieved my spirit a little, realizing he's no longer the little innocent baby that I get to hover over as an overprotective grandma. Unfortunately, unavoidable life circumstances striped me of the privileges of being an instrumental key influence in his life. Rather than succumbing to the wailing tears, I chose to "live in the moment" and enjoy the special allotted time with him.

My phone wasn't a priority and social media wasn't a distraction. I freely chose to surrender my cell phone in a locker at the Water Park so that he could have all of me. He did just that. I'm sure he called Nana a few dozen times. Every time he took a plunge down a new slide, he wanted to make sure that I witnessed his leap of courage. He claimed my undivided attention and we both enjoyed every moment. We probably could've stayed on the beach till sunset but I felt it necessary to end our day to ensure that he was hydrated and fed. I'm sure neither of us wanted to end those cherished moments and head back to reality. Leaving the oceanfront meant we were one day closer to coming home and our paths would be separated once again.

Once we settled back into the room, I looked in the mirror with a defeated countenance. The day was perfect but the reality was unavoidable--it would soon end. Generational curses left a horrible stench in the air and I felt helpless. My arms seemed too short to reach him. My prayers felt stagnant. I could literally feel the wind being sucked from my airways. 

With blood-filled rage escaping my temples, I lunged for the kitchen digging for a weapon. I grabbed the dull shears and commenced to cutting my hair like a deranged mad woman. Those relaxed tresses, weighed down with old hair products and flat iron residue was definitely not me. The outer shell didn't reflect the inner me. I was really bold and unashamed but I kept trying to water "me" down to appear civil and polished. I tried to make this neat little package my reality but it wasn't my story!  I wasn't afraid to take risks and I had stepped out on faith with much less. This was nothing new. I really didn't care what others would say because I never was the type to entertain an audience.

This trip opened some doors that had been closed for years. This was like my third "big chop" and while others might have viewed this as an indecisive phase of hair cutting, it really wasn't about hair at all. It was about peeling back another layer of freedom--exposing a newfound liberating moment of self-discovery. Life taught me at an early age not to get too attached to anything and hair wasn't any different.

 It's always been easier to let go than hold on..... 

Walking out the bathroom with those relaxed strands  in my hand meant the final death of so many things.

 It meant that nothing or no one outside of God would control me any longer. 

It meant that I would no longer sit at the table, but I would have a voice at the table.

 It was my unapologetic "NO" without explanation. 

It was my way of living life aloud.

 It was a complete act of submission for this new upcoming season of obedience to God. 

I can't change anyone's heart.

 I won't force fit myself into anyone's life.

I refuse to live life on anyone's terms.

As I "unpack" my suitcase of past hurts, bad memories and self-sabotaging behaviors, I cast out pride, shame and guilt into the sea of forgiveness.

Time is long overdue to soar. 

The chicken coop is not where you belong. 

Cut down the barbed wire and LET FREEDOM ring.


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