Yesterday, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions that moved me to invisible tears--more specifically, some inner major highs and lows in the same setting. However, I just couldn't allow the tears to fall in God's presence with all that he's been doing in my life.
Surely, any trace of "sadness" in this season would be a flat out sign of disrespect-a slap in the face in exchange for his blessings.
For a moment, I was elated about the sacrifices that I'd made over that last year that finally produced some tangible results. Then a temporary moment of "loneliness" overshadowed my win. I sat on the couch, physically dressed and ready to go somewhere--anywhere. But I couldn't think of one person to celebrate with and furthermore; what exactly was I celebrating?
In short, the answer was life! I had a few "unapologetic wins" under my belt but that felt foreign. Honestly, I was "scared" to celebrate. What if this "spiritual high" was short lived? What if my celebratory mood enticed the enemy to wage some new level of spiritual warfare and snatch my happiness from under me?
I mean.... how many people do we encounter, surfing the mountaintop for no particular reason,
who are feeling "themselves"( just because), who can look past the "struggles in progress" with a grateful heart and humbly strut their stuff ? (Giving all bragging rights to God)
Instantly, I started to conjure up "graveyard memories" of self-doubt, pity and even regret! God didn't allow that to last long though. I wasn't about to let the enemy hijack my overall mood. I wouldn't dare let him take me further than I wanted to go. I had learned some lessons that weren't worth repeating. I wasn't an easy prey in this season because I recognized the old game for what it was---tired & weak!
After meeting a friend for a quick outing, I headed back home with the prior sense of heaviness. I subconsciously sabotaged our fellowship with a famine (lack) spirit. I went expecting to testify to all the miracles I'd witnessed firsthand and to fest on God's goodness but became distracted by my drug of choice--food. Succumbing to appease the flesh meant I ordered the biggest steak, gorged on carbs and ate till sleep oblivion fell fresh. My emotions were on double minded overload-- a battle of good and bad, a battle of positive and negative, a picture perfect scene of a devil resting on one shoulder and an angel on the opposite one.
Back to the couch and a brief stint of Netflix, sleep won an early night battle. The steak had me thoroughly sedated until the wee hours of the morning. I woke up from a deep, hot sweat. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn't believe this dream! A picture of me standing boldly with my hands on my hips yelling at God, like I had lost my mind. God was whipping my tail; but like a hot headed fool, I wouldn't back down. I didn't even know that I was harboring bitterness and resentfulness towards anyone.
And for crying out loud, why would I be angry at God? Surely, my struggles weren't his fault.
Somehow, despite all the "good," that was surrounding me, I was grateful but not satisfied.
I was "lowkey" angry because I didn't genuinely believe in his "gift"
I screamed, jumped and shouted bout "birthing my gift publically" but nursed my unbelief at home and privately disowned it. I just couldn't find time to "produce" because my plate was full. Not to mention, I had a list of shortcomings that outweighed any possibility of future God given "talent."
I wasn't prepared.
I wasn't equipped.
I wasn't the best candidate to execute the assignment.
I wasn't well received.
Even though, I overcame some obstacles, trampled over some barriers; but now.....I was "in the way!"
We all know the Parable of the Talents" in Matthew 25:14-30. (Lesson Learned)
Don't be like the fearful man that was judged for his selfishness.
In fact, we should never make excuses to avoid doing what God calls us to do. Our resources aren't our own; so we should never squander, hoard, abuse ,ignore or neglect that which God trusts us with.
Remember God rewards faithfulness. Those who bear no fruit can't expect to reap the full benefits of His glory.
Self Reflection:
What is hindering your service to him?
What's hindering your wholeness?
What's hindering your limbs from bearing fruit?
Don't "you" be the cause of your own disobedience.
Get your hips out the way and SERVE FAITHFULLY already!
Surely, any trace of "sadness" in this season would be a flat out sign of disrespect-a slap in the face in exchange for his blessings.
For a moment, I was elated about the sacrifices that I'd made over that last year that finally produced some tangible results. Then a temporary moment of "loneliness" overshadowed my win. I sat on the couch, physically dressed and ready to go somewhere--anywhere. But I couldn't think of one person to celebrate with and furthermore; what exactly was I celebrating?
In short, the answer was life! I had a few "unapologetic wins" under my belt but that felt foreign. Honestly, I was "scared" to celebrate. What if this "spiritual high" was short lived? What if my celebratory mood enticed the enemy to wage some new level of spiritual warfare and snatch my happiness from under me?
I mean.... how many people do we encounter, surfing the mountaintop for no particular reason,
who are feeling "themselves"( just because), who can look past the "struggles in progress" with a grateful heart and humbly strut their stuff ? (Giving all bragging rights to God)
Instantly, I started to conjure up "graveyard memories" of self-doubt, pity and even regret! God didn't allow that to last long though. I wasn't about to let the enemy hijack my overall mood. I wouldn't dare let him take me further than I wanted to go. I had learned some lessons that weren't worth repeating. I wasn't an easy prey in this season because I recognized the old game for what it was---tired & weak!
After meeting a friend for a quick outing, I headed back home with the prior sense of heaviness. I subconsciously sabotaged our fellowship with a famine (lack) spirit. I went expecting to testify to all the miracles I'd witnessed firsthand and to fest on God's goodness but became distracted by my drug of choice--food. Succumbing to appease the flesh meant I ordered the biggest steak, gorged on carbs and ate till sleep oblivion fell fresh. My emotions were on double minded overload-- a battle of good and bad, a battle of positive and negative, a picture perfect scene of a devil resting on one shoulder and an angel on the opposite one.
Back to the couch and a brief stint of Netflix, sleep won an early night battle. The steak had me thoroughly sedated until the wee hours of the morning. I woke up from a deep, hot sweat. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn't believe this dream! A picture of me standing boldly with my hands on my hips yelling at God, like I had lost my mind. God was whipping my tail; but like a hot headed fool, I wouldn't back down. I didn't even know that I was harboring bitterness and resentfulness towards anyone.
And for crying out loud, why would I be angry at God? Surely, my struggles weren't his fault.
Somehow, despite all the "good," that was surrounding me, I was grateful but not satisfied.
I was "lowkey" angry because I didn't genuinely believe in his "gift"
I screamed, jumped and shouted bout "birthing my gift publically" but nursed my unbelief at home and privately disowned it. I just couldn't find time to "produce" because my plate was full. Not to mention, I had a list of shortcomings that outweighed any possibility of future God given "talent."
I wasn't prepared.
I wasn't equipped.
I wasn't the best candidate to execute the assignment.
I wasn't well received.
Even though, I overcame some obstacles, trampled over some barriers; but now.....I was "in the way!"
We all know the Parable of the Talents" in Matthew 25:14-30. (Lesson Learned)
Don't be like the fearful man that was judged for his selfishness.
In fact, we should never make excuses to avoid doing what God calls us to do. Our resources aren't our own; so we should never squander, hoard, abuse ,ignore or neglect that which God trusts us with.
Remember God rewards faithfulness. Those who bear no fruit can't expect to reap the full benefits of His glory.
Self Reflection:
What is hindering your service to him?
What's hindering your wholeness?
What's hindering your limbs from bearing fruit?
Don't "you" be the cause of your own disobedience.
Get your hips out the way and SERVE FAITHFULLY already!
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