When the New Year rolled in, I had already fallen off the vegan bandwagon. I had become a walking fast food billboard with all the bulges and rolls to prove I was 100% committed to self destruction. I was definitely moving backwards fast. Food felt good! It felt safe. It couldn't mock my pain. It wasn't intimidating. It was just "available"-everywhere!
I ate when I was happy, sad, nervous or even bored!
I ate socially to celebrate special occasions.
I ate alone to ease the pain.
I woke up eating and went to bed eating.
Food was my drug of choice!
Seems like my stomach had become one, big non-stop party---"Aye, I'll eat to that!"
It didn't matter if I was fellowshiping with others, dining alone or laying around sulking. There was absolutely nothing a gallon of ice cream couldn't cure. I had it bad! Talking about if you gonna go out, might as well "go all the way out" is exactly what I did! The caffeine in the Pepsi, I was threw back caused the migraines to resurface. I was no longer eating for nourishment, so my meals became quick, fast, convenient and loaded with carbs. I ate any and everything that was sure to send me into sleep oblivion. Then when I woke up, it was time to eat again! The scale surely malfunctioned. There was no way I could gain that kind of weight in such small amount of time, but the zippers on my clothes, convinced me otherwise. I had lost complete control!
"Training my mind" was never been impossible, because I've always been a bit of an extremist. Rarely, do I acknowledge " the middle ground," which explains my overwhelming struggle with "balance!" I either give way too much or not at all. The more I tried to bring my flesh under subjection, the more I failed. I couldn't understand the problem because "denying" myself had never been a huge problem in other areas of my life. What was so different with this? Even though I consider myself to be a somewhat smart person, I had nothing---no answers, no solutions and no plans!
The fighter in me would not contend, so I had to do something drastic. There had to be something that I was missing, besides doing the obvious---exercising and eating healthier. The struggle, wasn't only in getting my body to cooperate, but the biggest struggle, was in my mind. The gym used to be a stress reliever, and now it was a distant memory. I approached this issue all wrong. I tried to fight this demon (food addiction) within my own power. I subconsciously, had all the answers. Losing weight has never been my struggle! The struggle has been---keeping it off! I've been everything from a size 10 to a size 20, surely I had the weight loss information stored within already, but why was the execution so impossible?
I made a failed attempt to discipline my mind via committing to a January consecration. Fasting wasn't anything foreign to me, and I never struggled with it, but this time was different. My flesh was one big mess! My body was destined to align with God and become obedient, but my mind had left the building. All I could concentrate on was- this love-hate relationship with food!
Flesh had won---no need for me to fight!
It had overtaken every cell in my body.
It had possession of my mind and my thoughts.
On Friday, January 13th, I had an hour long aromatherapy massage. (Not only was my body exhausted, but I was mentally drained). Then the following morning, I travelled to Winston Salem for a conference. I cannot begin to explain the "strongholds" that were being loosed, and the freedom I felt. On the ride home, I heard God speaking to me so clearly that it was almost scary--seems like I hadn't heard His voice in months. The first thing, He instructed me to do was remove my nose piercing. I probably spent an hour in the car, trying to figure that out. I didn't understand what my piercing had to do with my struggles, most importantly, this food addiction. In the midst of my travels, I got sidetracked by somethings. When I sat down to eat a late dinner, I struggled between ordering a salad and a plate of carbs. Flesh won again, I ate the plate of carbs. I ate and I ate and I ATE! I didn't want to "think" about the guilt. I just wanted to numb it.
That night as I prepared for bed, I took a look in the mirror and noticed I still hadn't taken the piercing out. I starred in the mirror, trying to remember why I even got it.
It was something bout that little piercing that made me unique, different, rebellious and uncensored.
It was a bold declaration of self-expression that solidified my identity outside of the "norm!"
It was my testament of life, on my terms that screamed, "you can't keep me in a religious box to prove that I love God."
It was my way of living my truth, without having to speak.
It was my radical way of showing up, without blending in.
It was my way of expressing my artistic creativity.
It was my stance between a world of Tupac and Tasha Cobb.
It was an addition to my natural mane and conscious mind.
It was a inner struggle between submission and rebellion.
It was MY life without restriction.
It was an internal war between analytical comprehension and undeniable faith!
Looking in the mirror, I hesitated, but took the piercing out. Throughout the night, I became very ill. I vomited up everything. I couldn't find any medicine in the house, and I knew God was intentionally detoxing me. I needed to let this thing run its course without help!
What does all that have to do with a food addiction?
It was my crash course into submission and obedience. I had this subconscious power struggle going on with God. I trusted Him, but not to complete submission. His authority without question meant total trust. I'd never totally trusted anyone and sad to say, not even God. When you hear the "voice," but don't yield to it...that's when you will get "stuck" in unnecessary warfare, burdens, addictions and problems.
You can't publicly proclaim to be an heir of the King but silently doubt His instruction. Wooo, this was huge for me! I was digging beneath the surface and tearing down the man made foundation. I can clearly see the hand of God all over me. I feel His presence. I marvel at His intimacy. Letting go of somethings that I held clinched at the heart has been extremely painful. I've had to limit myself with certain people. I had to get rid of some toxic relationships. I had to totally surrender to God.
Ok, I believe I'll testify a little more....I'm allowing myself to "feel" uncomfortable in this place of uncertainty, because I don't have it all figured out, nor do I even try anymore. I just "trust" that this is my rightful place, at this time for God to show me-me! My prayers are no longer for temple rebuilding, but the temple construction, through His will. Healing is hard, but necessary to live in abundance.
You can be FREE, if you get out of the way, and let God be God!
Today, I stand naked and unashamed of His process!
Do I still struggle with food choices?
Absolutely, but I'm ALREADY believing God for my complete healing, because I did something "new" that I've never done!
I stepped out on faith of the unknown!
I'm learning how to choose me without regret.
I'm learning to take care of me without reservations.
Showing up for "me" has been the most difficult lesson that I've repeated more than a dozen times. Under the rubbish of doubt, past, pain, fear and disappointment lies the daughter of the Most High.
Today, I am FREE---what or who is stopping you? Hint: Look in the mirror! I'm sure you will recognize the culprit!
God can't move when your hands are in the way!
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