Skip to main content

I Surrender

“ I Surrender....”

Last night in class, I sat there feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Why? Cause I allowed myself to be fully present & FEEL the discomfort of every emotion that showed up! I squirmed in my chair, as I felt physically ill. I went from having a throbbing headache, to feeling nauseous & then the room started to spin. I could barely breathe at moments. It was my plan to walk outside & get some fresh air but I didn’t want to cause a distraction. I tried to blot my tears (the pretty cry) on multiple occasions to regain my composure but they just kept flowing.

When it was my turn to speak, I was a nervous wreck. I was over prepared but still stumbled over my words (couldn’t say “fatalism” to say my life), lost my train of thought (trying to call someone’s name) & my brain felt scrambled, just trying to get through it. Anxiety grew like a volcano about to erupt!

When it was over, I wanted to bolt out the room but women stopped to hug me. They assured me that I did a good job & offered lots of encouragement & support. What I imagined as being my worst was the “natural born critic” showing up to seize the moment.

I didn’t understand why God allowed the “rollercoaster of emotions” to rapidly cycle at this very moment but then I remembered my prayer to him. I had previously asked him to keep me “consistent” through this process, regardless of how uncomfortable it gets. I’m truly thankful that he heard my prayers. He wouldn’t allow me to abort my process.

This is my moment of liberation. My freedom has shown up. Chains are being loosed. The soil is being tilled. Instead of “running” from it, God is keeping me “still” to embrace, grow & learn. I’m so very thankful that seasons do change. I’m walking through my “transformation” while yielding & trusting that God is leading the way.

Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It’s a new season to be FREE.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Broken Covenant

Once upon a time— I wanted to believe something was real so desperately that I silenced the Spirit within me just to keep the illusion alive. I saw every red flag— not as warnings, but as tests of how much  I was willing to endure to feel chosen. I asked no questions because truth was already whispering, and I feared what obedience would cost me. So I made a covenant with denial— calling lies “grace,” and confusion “patience,” because the truth felt too vast, too holy, too disruptive to the future I had built in my mind. I clung to potential like it was promise, and mistook absence for peace. Yet the weight of it— this thing I called love— crushed my spirit daily. Still, desperation dressed itself as loyalty and convinced me to stay. And it didn’t get better. It decayed. Quietly at first… then unmistakably. Each time God unveiled truth, I chose the comfort of shadows over the calling of light. I pleaded. I prayed. I begged— not for revelation, but for permission to remain where I w...
Post a Comment
Read more

From Chaos to Calm

After a while… the need to be heard at full volume begins to dissolve. The rooftops grow silent. The flames you once fed with trembling hands no longer feel like power— only exhaustion. What you burned never built a home. And somewhere along the way, you realize— not every echo returns, not every seed takes root, not every mountain was yours to climb. The grace you poured out like water in a desert, the love you offered with open, unguarded hands— it did not come back the way you imagined. And still… you are here. So instead of fighting what refuses to bend, you loosen your grip. Not in defeat— but in awakening. You release the need to be answered, to be chosen, to be understood by those who never learned your language. Your hands, once reaching outward, begin to rise— not in desperation, but in devotion. Upward. Open. Steady. God… I see You now in the quiet I once avoided. I hear You not in the thunder— but in the space where my striving used to live. And I am ready. Something within ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)

What unsettles me most about some people is not the harm they cause— but the silence that follows it. No conviction. No trembling. No evidence that a soul was ever stirred. As if something sacred once lived there… and quietly left. What remains is form without fire. A body that breathes, but does not  feel . A Walking corpse. Spiritually vacant,  yet socially skilled— fluent in imitation, but foreign to truth. They move through people like weather— touching everything, anchoring nowhere. I once mistook that emptiness for mystery. Confused detachment with depth. Thought restraint was discipline, when it was really disconnection. But there was  no rootedness in him— only appetite. An endless hunger dressed as desire. A man grazing on bodies, scrolling through souls like they were disposable moments. Not searching. Not building. Just consuming— to quiet something unnamed within him. Unhealed wounds don’t stay still. They wander. From bed to bed, from face to face, from high ...
Post a Comment
Read more