I'm the kind of person that avoids closure. When my season ends with people, I never say, "Goodbye!" It's just too hard. Last night, I tried to write this blog a million times, but the words just wouldn't come out. Even now, my hands are trembling, I have a huge lump in my throat & my head is throbbing. I'm sure the two aspirin won't provide much relief for this ache! I'm still snuggled up on the couch in pajamas, wrapped in my favorite, cozy blanket, television--off, phone silenced with my coffee mug and laptop. The caffeine isn't helping much with the headache, but I'm struggling to find the appropriate words to describe the conclusion of my Monday night class. Well today, just might be a "sick day" for me! Heavy hearts do count towards "mental health days," right? The foggy, gloomy weather reflects my heart's mood--blah, blah, blah. Maybe I'm being "overly dramatic." That's the shortcoming of my much needed--balance! I either feel everything or nothing!
Anyway, I am beyond blessed that God graced me with the opportunity to be apart of a life changing transformation with fourteen beautiful ladies. Twelve weeks ago, fifteen ladies reluctantly walked in an unfamiliar room with great hesitation, apprehension & fear of what was to come. Even I wasn't too thrilled about the set up, I wasn't used to sharing my intimate space with anyone. I had established rigid boundaries, so sitting in a intimate circle full of strangers was out of the question (BUT GOD). I repeatedly attempted to slide my chair outside the circle. I mean, I needed room to breathe. The closeness was stifling my oxygen supply. I wanted to raise my hand & ask the facilitator if it was possible for me to buy another seat. Being plus size meant, I needed extra room to accommodate my thick frame. They do offer such luxuries on planes so it wasn't unheard of! Tension grew rapidly & anxiety filled the room like a thick, unpleasant cloud of smoke. Our bodies stiffened in the chairs, as we secretly gave each the side-eyed, trying to gauge the confidentiality level in this unfamiliar environment. I thought of every reason to excuse myself, as I slid closer towards the door. I wanted to make a run for the nearest exit without notice. I'm sure my discomfort was obvious, because I couldn't keep still. I shifted a dozen times in my seat and sweat was popping. This was way outside of my comfort zone! All I could replay in my mind was--If I ever make it out of this chair, I'm tossing this book & throwing up the deuces to these strangers.
Well, I made it out safely (offering very few goodbyes--if any) and headed straight to the grocery store. I bought all kinds of goodies. I needed to numb this uneasiness with the familiar--comfort food. I came home late at night to cook full course meals and ate in front of the TV. I didn't want to be accountable for the calories I was about to consume, so the TV would accompany my denial. I was a mess! I bounced from the bed to the couch cause my insomnia forced my eyelids open but I needed my brain to rest. That was a lot to take in for one day!
Over the next few days, I read the material in small sessions (stopping frequently in between to process). I decided that I would finish this study in the comforts of my own home, more like on the couch with a gallon of ice cream. Well, that was my plan but God had a different plan.
After praying and meditating, I went back the next week to commit to doing a much needed work. About twenty minutes in, it seemed like I walked into a war zone. Bombs were exploding in my head and it felt like I was navigating through landmines. It took an act of God to keep me seated in that chair. My emotions cycled out of control as if someone had released a grenade inside of me. I heard the facilitator read a statement about abstaining from using any drugs or alcohol during this study as a covenant. I was truly annoyed by the statement. It felt so ridiculous to mention such a thing. I didn't get how that related at all. Needless to say, by the end of the session, I was already making plans to go back to counseling. Oh and to get through these twelve weeks of study, I would need the strongest antidepressant /anxiety medication on the market. No covenant for me--I would decline without explanation & stand protected by my HIIPA rights!
Over the weeks, what first seemed like unpleasant trips to the dentist for "tooth extractions" transformed into an incredible healing and deliverance ministry.
These ordinary ladies became intercessors, midwives, ministers & confidants.
Unfamiliar faces turned into immediate family members.
The tight space no longer felt restricted.
Frowns tuned into laughter.
Apprehension turned to pleasantness.
The unknown became familiar.
Tears rested safely in warm, loving arms.
Defeats became testimonies.
The past became a memory.
Victories swept the room as we cheered and celebrated each other's progress. The relationships that formed due to the obedience of a few ladies that accepted God's call was priceless. Miracles were birthed as result of yielding to the voice of God. We weren't called to rescue one another but we were on a divine assignment by God. It took a courageous act of faith to be still and listen to his voice. It took every woman in the group committing to a greater cause--FREEDOM. We, all, came out much differently than we went in. As the veil tore, God sent a flood of increase. We stayed the course. We weathered the storms. We faced adversities. We intentionally put on the armor of God. We fought. We conquered. We won!
I can't muster up the energy to say, "goodbye" to a lifetime of memories that transpired in a few weeks. I can't phantom the thought of this season coming to an end. As I sit and grieve the ending, God assures me this is just the beginning!
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24)
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