Set the Captive Free

“Set The Captive Free”

The complexity of a creative spirit includes: irregular sleep patterns, losing self in one’s own thought process & plenty of patience & dedication.

I produce my most passionate, writings with such emotional intensity & honest conviction that I have to mentally “check out” of present day realities & lose myself in the inner, chaotic mayhem. With rapidly cycling thoughts, being intentionally astute to God’s voice & creative juices flowing like milk & honey, it can be a bit challenging at times. It’s a tedious production that requires devout prayer, being still & sometimes unexplainable isolation. Capturing the “right words” at the “right moment” with genuine transparency can be exhausting; because if I miss the moment, I can’t recreate it.

During worship service on Sunday, excitement rang loudly & I could barely contain an upright composure. Pastor Richard’s message was traveling full throttle down my auditory canal but kept colliding with my own thoughts. It was like someone kept changing the TV station & my spirit was overwhelmed. His words sparked such creativity that the sanctuary felt like an intimate birthing station. In that warm & welcoming space, something powerful was about to take shape. The environment was conducive for the emergence of new life creations. Miracles were being released with such urgency that I gasped for air. I wanted to fully seize the moment. I wanted to present myself as “available” in God’s presence. This was my eagerly, anticipated moment!

If you wanna know how big the “baby” is that you’re carrying, watch how hard the enemy opposes your delivery? On the way out of the sanctuary, I got distracted by a troubling feeling in my spirit. It felt like I had dropped my “newborn.” Something minor startled me & I lost my grip. My “baby” slipped out of my hands. John 10:10 reminds us that, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy...” I was in internal panic mode! My thoughts were being overtaken by the enemy. I was a nervous wreck! Who removed my spiritual armor? Why did the lobby feel so cold & unfamiliar? Why did my breath feel so restricted? Why was the light so bright? I wanted to sprint to the car but my grandson was waiting. I don’t remember exiting the building but I was forced to pull it together.

When I got into the driver-seat, it felt like we were on autopilot. Jesus had the wheel, because Crystal was still in shock! Jaden was repeatedly rambling about Cook Out, my body was headed to Sheetz for gas but my mind was in overdrive. What happened? Who moved my cheese? Who let those “Egyptians” back in?

Those unsettling thoughts overpowered my creativity. The devil was busy but I wasn’t about to fold. Maybe I was just tired & needed my after church nap to be refreshed. I tossed & turned restlessly, before catching a quick nap. The second hand smoke fumes were stifling and the temperature was a little too warm for my taste. I was miserable! I lost the first “round” but it wasn’t a total knock out (TKO), because I was determined to come out swinging harder than ever before. I knew how to win, so I couldn’t give up!

Next stop, was a Christmas party with my life group. I was physically present but emotionally withdrawn. I tried to play the “social butterfly” role but I knew I was defeated. I was secretly tormented by those earlier thoughts. I felt like an “invisible outcast” because my thoughts held me hostage. The more I tried to become socially entertaining, the more distant I felt. The mood was high, the culinary spread was enormous & everyone was enjoying the festive environment. Since I felt like a prisoner of my own thoughts, I resorted to past survival tactics. I put the “mask” on but it no longer fit! I was beyond frustrated now. My anxiety was probably at a 10, but I would smile & nod to make my presence felt. “Showing up,” despite the inner conflict was tough. Could my church family feel my discomfort? Surely, I was a prior expert of masquerading; however my skills were rusty & outdated. Straddling the fence in silence was outdated. I had already been promoted. I wasn’t the general but I knew how to fight with my helmet of salvation, sword of the spirit, breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, belt of truth & feet prepared with the gospel of peace.

I was surrounded with a plethora of intercessors but I wouldn’t dare share my uneasiness. Surely, they would send me into exile, away from the family.

Dinner was delicious but unpleasant; because, I was afraid that Jaden was hanging from the ceiling in the nearby room. I could just imagine a flat screen overturned, a computer monitor damaged or an expensive piece of crystal claiming my lint filled pockets. If I hadn’t agreed to bring a dish, these feelings would’ve been conveyed with a heartfelt apology & notice of cancellation text. This was just way too much for an introvert like me, but I would make the best of it. I’m a great listener, so surely someone would say something to reignite my lost spiritual creativity. Considering my emotional state, if they did, I missed it! I became that socially awkward, coach potato that was surrounded by giants again in the wilderness.

The inner, conflicted war zone was disrupted by the mention of games. This would surely lighten my mood. Games were my favorite! We sang the 12 days of Christmas (even though, I’m only a shower singer), I sang my heart out—out of tune & all. No one cared, including me. I needed this outlet! The games provided temporary relief to the inner storm that was brewing. I came & I conquered but it was time to go!

The drive home felt extra long. Who kept moving my driveway? Jaden entertained himself in the backseat by the passing Christmas lights. His loud excitement wasn’t even a distraction from my ill thoughts. I felt defeated, but I was prepared to kick some butt in prayer tonight, though!

After getting Jaden prepared for bed, I set the mood with my aromatherapy diffuser filled with essential oils. I snuggled in my favorite writing spot but flesh overpowered my pen. I was mad, angry, disappointed & hurt. I shut down the laptop & cut on the television. Maybe I could spare depleting a couple brain cells with some reality show. I needed something light & entertaining. Reality shows had become my pet peeve but this conflict called for a good distraction for the night. Actually, it put me right to sleep. I guess all that drama was less entertaining & borderline boring.

My dreams were scripture-laden with tons of revelation. I woke up to the sound of a very familiar prayer line filled with intercessors but my phone wasn’t on. Oh it was ringing, a friend called. Perfect timing—I needed this “brain dumping session!” I vented, complained, & solicited advice. I wasn’t too happy bout the feedback though. I already knew what I wanted to hear BUT GOD seized the moment & freedom bells immediately rung.

I notice around the same time every week, I become extremely exhausted. The enemy knows this is my most vulnerable moment & he attempts to declare an emotional war. However, God woke me up in the midnight hour to reverse the attack. This spiritual warfare was the same weekly struggle; however, the enemy was already defeated because God sent me into intercession for myself. I put on my spiritual armor & was prepared for war. I boldly walked in my God given authority, opened the front door & made the devil flee. I refused to die laying on my back. I had what I needed within to place the devil under my feet. I laid hands on myself & petitioned God for...

my peace,
my happiness &
my FREEDOM.

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”