For the wages of sin is death, but the GIFT of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 6:23
I've been moping around for a couple of weeks, not particularly in the Christmas spirit. I suspected it was due to physical exhaustion but God sent clarity on today. As I walked in the sanctuary for worship, my energy was off. I wasn't tired. In fact, I looked forward to worship this morning. REST became my priority on yesterday. I quietly sat with my colored pencils & adult coloring book, like a little child with a new toy. However, I wasn't "enjoying" life, as a precious gift from God.
I thought about "past emotions" that bought grief to my heart. Maybe I needed to release it, so I decided to write about those feelings. I'm sure the undertone was full of negativity, because I felt sad. I dug up another bone that God buried. To lightened the mood, I shifted towards some neglected household tasks. Cleaning provided a much needed inventory of those emotions. I thoroughly enjoyed my quiet time with God but my emotions were out of sync. My actions didn't mirror his unspeakable joy and peace. I immediately stopped cleaning and sat in the fullness of His presence. I soaked up every ounce of stillness. My thoughts became strongholds that were tormenting me from earlier years. I dismissed it though. It would take entirely to long to process! I wanted to enjoy the remainder of the evening with my grandson. My idea was for us to watch a Christmas movie on Netflix but was stunned by his choice of the Grinch. Was God trying to tell me something? I don't think it was much of a coincidence! I was still a little bitter; I was putting entirely too much pressure on myself.
However, I looked forward to worship service this morning. I felt well rested and in the right place (mentally). As I headed to the front, my energy felt off for some strange reason. I was greeted by some familiar smiling faces and hugs, so I dismissed those feelings. I thought surely there wasn't any negative residue lingering from yesterday, but I was wrong. I felt cramped and uneasy. My focus was interrupted by minor things. Internally, I made plans to move to the back of the sanctuary. I didn't want my presence to disrupt the harmony of praise that was taking place.
During worship, I prayed for God to bring my flesh under subjection because I felt so uncomfortable. Everything felt out of order (in my head). I was thankful that the Christmas music finally shifted the atmosphere for me. I heard my Pastor say something about the Spirit of Christmas. Then my eyes wailed with tears as he reached down to take the baby out of the manger, which represented Jesus. Was I unintentionally living from an "ungrateful" place? Conviction fell and my mind wondered.
I didn't mentally tune back into service until Pastor Richard said, "Jesus was in the house." That got my attention cause I wasn't about to let yesterday's strongholds cause me to miss the move of God that was taking place. Then he said something else that broke the inner dam within me. He said, "What is your response to the Christmas Spirit?' That was it! It was the immediate answer for my stale, gloomy energy. It was the missing piece that completed the puzzle.
I was still in a season of people pleasing. I was seeking approval in all the wrong places. Then Pastor said, "People can't give what they don't have!" I already knew that but it was a subtle reminder of something that weighed heavily on my heart on yesterday. I was still attracted to negative energy because it reminded me of a familiar place. Despite my best efforts, I could hear a little voice saying, "It wasn't enough!" Affirmations only came from outside sources, so I always managed to second-guess my abilities. I never gave myself proper credit for the progress I was making. No matter how hard I tried to renew myself through positive measures, I was still delaying the process. I trusted God but I ignored the warning signals.
I was secretly being a Grinch. I was coming off low-key judgmental because other's preferences didn't resemble mine. I wasn't envious but I secretly wanted my Christmas spirit to align with the majority. However, my interests were different, I was different. What worked for me in earlier years was now outdated. It was merely an afterthought. It was never my intention to bash anyone for the way they choose to spend Christmas. My way is not universal but it's my personal preference. Everyone has the right to celebrate the holiday in whatever capacity they see fit, as a testament to who they are. I was guilty of useless comparisons because I was still missing the point of the season. Instead of putting the focus on Jesus, I was distracted by the irrelevant shenanigans that accompany the holidays. I was disappointed that I wasn't filling up carts with presents as I watched others do with such joy! My perspective was warped by tradition.
Life in itself is a perfect GIFT from GOD. I don't have to live a defeated life because I'm different. I'm set apart for a reason. As Pastor Richard confirmed on today, I can trade the oil of heaviness for the oil of peace. I can freely walk --embracing & enjoying the PRESENCE OF MY GIFT--JESUS!
My Christmas blues turned into unspeakable gratitude. I released that little broken girl for good. God purged the residue of despair. I left the broken pieces on the altar. I stepped out on faith. I wept for her but I cried happy tears for me.
I CAN & I WILL ENJOY......LIFE WITHOUT THE CHRISTMAS BLUES!
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