At The Altar

Do you not know that those who perform sacred services eat the food of the temple and those who attend regularly to the altar have their share from the altar?
--1 Corinthians 9:13

During the Making Peace with My Past Bible Study, I secretly thought I experienced a midlife crisis or mental breakdown of some nature. The more I prayed for peace, the more God instructed me to do things that were way outside my comfort zone. Sometimes, I willfully obliged without second guessing, but some things I just flat out refused. I tried to conjure up justifiable excuses. I temporarily pretended that it was not the voice of God that I heard, but a figment of my overactive imagination.

I'd been attending this particular church for awhile. I liked it but it didn't feel like home, because it wasn't familiar. Every week, I looked for new reasons not to go back. I narrowed in on small, trivial things that appeared to be distractions. I focused in on people's negative body language. I sought out frowns and the reluctant, unfamiliar hands, holding on for dear life at the benediction.  I sat near the back, because it meant less accountability (as if God didn't see the rear). I didn't care to be seen or socialize much. I came to hide out in the background and remain a nameless face in the crowd. It was much safer that way. It was working well for a little while. Well, until I started to stay home more and watch the service online. Who would notice? Very few people knew me by name.

One day, I received a peculiar text stating, "I didn't see you after service today..." At first, I was annoyed that my absence had been noticed. Surely, I was an expert at hiding! I was exposed and I didn't like it one bit. Hey, I came to hide out in the comforts of a larger congregation. I didn't need anyone to notice anything about me! I sarcastically replied to the text (in my head) with, "you didn't see me, cause I wasn't there." Yes, it was flesh speaking, but someone overstepped their boundaries by "looking for me!" This stirred my troubled spirit. It meant that I would have to start "showing up" from now on. I accidentally caught someone's attention. Well, it didn't matter too much, I was smart! I would still sit in the back, but I would get there earlier to smile and wave, so people knew I was present. That was a wonderful plan, until a friend asked me to sit with her. Nobody ever asked me to sit with them in church! I normally got the ugly, stares, if I sat in somone's imaginary assigned seat, without knowing. In my past experience, Christians secretly fought to claim the front seat's of the sanctuary. I don't know if they wanted to be seen by the Pastor or God, but I could tap into God's presence, regardless of where I sat. I didn't want to be squished up in the front, when there was plenty of unclaimed seats in the back.

The following Sunday, I sat with my friend in the front and I must admit it was a different type of worship experience. There weren't any distractions and I listened more attentively. I didn't witness people walking in and out of the double doors. It was still. I had a "direct line" to God. I mean, He was right there! I didn't have to focus too hard, cause He was literally sitting on my lap.

Every since I'd be coming to this church, God instructed me to get on the altar and STAY THERE! I didn't like that request. I didn't know these people like that. They didn't live in my neighborhood, didn't travel my social circle and I wasn't about to be vulnerable in the presence of strangers. They weren't my "church family;" yet, they were individuals that just happened to attend the same church. Some were always preoccupied and dismissive, which made it easier for me. They wouldn't be able to point me out in an off-site parking lot and that was perfectly fine with me. Out of sight, out of mind- worked for me!

Yet every week, God nudged me to the altar, but I held back. I resisted his instruction, week after week, but I continued to pray for peace.

One Sunday, I keyed in on several things that I didn't like. My energy was thrown off, but I didn't let my actions reflect my disappointment.  I tried to brush off those feelings, but I was terribly uncomfortable. I looked back at my friend, who appeared to be the only familiar face in the crowd. I needed her presence to take the first step. This Sunday morning, I had to make it down to that altar! I had to release the little girl that couldn't stay but celebrate the new woman that God birthed. I had to surrender fully to God's complete authority. I had to stop looking for excuses to run and just be still. I had to allow God to make the unknown a familiar place place of refugee. I had to stop fighting the process. I had to willfully submit to God, so that the real transformation could take place.

I bowed on that altar in reverence to God. I repented for all my deliberate acts of disobedience. I sobbed for the little broken heart but wept more for those broken pieces were being made whole again. I wasn't everyone's assignment, but God laid familiar hands on my back that silently said, "I am here. You no longer have to be afraid!" I needed that confirmation. When I opened my eyes, I cried even harder. It was the woman from my dreams that pointed me to Jesus.  It no longer mattered what the masses saw or failed to see when they looked at me. All that mattered was that I kneeled on that altar and found just what I needed.......

Deliverance & healing for the little girl desperately trying to break FREE.

I wasn't afraid.
I wasn't rebellious.
I wasn't defiant.

I was safely, secured in the loving arms of someone that would never drop me!

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

1 Corinthians 10:13