The Gift of Forgiveness

Colossians 3:13

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Today, was a little different for me. I never really make a big fuss about my birthday. In prior years, I’ve always treated myself to something really nice & kept it moving—alone oftentimes. I never really knew how to properly celebrate turning a year older. It never seemed like much to turn cartwheels over. (My glass half-empty mentality to blame).

This year was about the same. My idea of a “perfect birthday” consisted of a drive to Raleigh (alone) for some authentic Indian cuisine, maybe catch a movie, come home & snuggle on the couch with a good book & Bath & Body Works aromatherapy Candle (my favorite). However, I talked myself out of that cause I thought about books I wanted to read, upcoming personal enrichment opportunities scheduled for the New Year & most importantly educational goals.

My daughter had previously mentioned going to the spa for my birthday & I was kind of nonchalant about it. Everyone knows “massages” are my guilty pleasures but that wasn’t anything new. Surely, I didn’t need a birthday to go to the Spa. I’m the kind of person that will buy myself a cake on any day of the week—just because! “Things” don’t move me & never have! Want to see me light up like a Christmas tree? Take me on a Lifeway or Books A Million date, pay for me to take an upcoming class, or teach me a new skill. I crave “experiences,” not so much—things! I’ve had enough “things,” even if I don’t ever have anymore. Guess that’s why I hold on so tightly to that older little car of mine. I like the luxury of having a title in my hand. Not downing anyone with outstanding debt, but I’ve been there, done that! Ok, I’m rambling now but about this birthday thing.....

I was super annoyed because my daughter picked me up late, which meant we would have to rush to Raleigh. I thought of all the more productive things I could be doing. In fact, I wrote a poem on the ride there (on my phone with gospel playing in my earplugs.) I don’t feel right, if I’m not multitasking. Obviously, I don’t know much about having fun either!

So when we got to the Day Spa, I was offered unsweetened green tea or lemon water. I think I started to silently count down from ten in my head. What?!? No coffee! I felt a headache accompanied by a serious attitude coming. To lighten the mood, my daughter snapped a few pictures. I still thought about the missing coffee! I wanted to google the nearest Starbucks. (Epic fail; tho—I backed out).

As we sat awkwardly in the massage chairs, soaking in the detoxifying foot bath, all I could think about was my to-do-list. I had tons of work to do so relaxing was a waste of time. I had commitments that needed my immediate attention.

After the foot soak, we headed to undress & enter into the sauna. I still wasn’t relaxed. Literally, the hardest thing for me to do—was to remain still! I was fidgety, hot, sweaty & irritated. If I had to sit in that heat for another five minutes, I already pictured myself being carried out on a stretcher due to claustrophobia. I really was being dramatic but I did want to crack that glass door open. I tried to ease my mind by thinking about a few upcoming writing projects. As I impatiently sat, with my eyes glued to the timer, the heat felt like it was obstructing my breathing. I started to jokingly say, “There’s no way I’m going to hell, if I can’t endure this temporary heat & I most definitely need to lose some more weight!”

Finally, I took deep breaths in & out, then God showed up, as expected. Surely, he would give me an encouraging word to settle my mood.

As I closed my eyes to exhale, the spirit of conviction fell all over me.....

I thought about all the special things I’ve done for unappreciative people.

I thought about past sacrifices I made to accommodate others, at my own expense.

I thought about how “complaining” annoyed me, but here I was silently complaining.

Unexplained tears overpowered me. Why was I crying?

I closed my eyes again & exhaled unresolved, past disappointments that were still lingering. I didn’t even realize that I was subconsciously guilty of holding grudges. I’d taken a whole bible study about this already. I wasn’t about to retake any tests. I just knew I had mastered “forgiveness” already. God clearly reminded me that I dealt with the deeper issues but hadn’t scratched the surface level issues. I already knew what He meant. I had dug the core out of the wound but I still had the “scalpel” in my hand. It was my secret defensive mechanism. The scalpel was an instrumental part of my own healing, but I turned it into a weapon. I wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy the gift because I was still digging in old wounds.

For many years, my daughter & I have had a very strained relationship. I probably raised her like a “drill sergeant” (at times) rather than a mother. Becoming a Single mother at 18 meant—we basically grew up together! I pushed & pushed with her till the pendulum swung in the other direction. Her life began to mirror my earlier bad choices. The more I attempted to intervene, the further apart we grew. I didn’t quite understand why God was bringing all this to remembrance on today.

My thoughts were interrupted by the lady-calling me out of what felt like Satan’s den. It was time for my exfoliating body treatment.

I communed quietly with God & then I was interrupted by the lady mumbling a question. I automatically answered, “YES” but had no clue to what she’d ask. I abruptly opened my eyes for clarification & found out that I had just agreed to a Brazilian wax. That was not about to happen! I’m single & saved; who gonna? Well, never mind! After I straightened that matter out, it was time for my full body massage.

I laid on that cozy, warm table in pure disappointment. This lady was massaging me like I was a toddler. I was vexed. Understanding that my energy can be a little aggressive when I’m upset, I decided the “God in me” wouldn’t complain but then he opened the door! She asked if it was enough pressure? I eagerly admitted that it wasn’t. I don’t know why we falsely assume that asking for what we want is confrontational (when it’s not). What could’ve been a disaster, actually turned into a pleasant, wonderful experience.

After the other treatments & finally getting dressed, I met back up with my daughter in the lobby. I walked in & overheard the price, so I got mad all over again. I was floored that she would spend that type of money on a couple of hours when I could’ve........God wouldn’t even let me finish the thought.

As we hurried out the Spa, her battery remote was nearly dead so she struggled with opening the car doors. I saw my little girl trying to please her mama. She stole a quick glance nervously out the corner of her eye,cause she sensed my tension. I was a little upset but not about the car doors. By this time, she was highly disappointed, cause she wanted it to be a perfect day— for me! She handed me the remote to try it. I failed, after many attempts. I calmly gave her the remote back & reassured her everything was fine & we would just call AAA. As soon as I said that, the car door opened! I knew it was God cause we’d been standing out there for awhile & that lock won’t bulging. It was then, I realized that the Spa visit was not the birthday gift. It was just the destination where the “miracle” took place. It was at that moment that God presented me with the priceless gift of “forgiveness.” I no longer held her hostage by the past & we could both exhale & walk freely towards the future.

In love.

In unison.

In truth.

In new beginnings.