"Sometimes you have to let everything go---purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything-whatever is bringing you down-get rid of it. Because you will find that when you are free, your true creativity, your true self comes out." ---Tina Turner
After an emotionally exhausting year of ups and downs, when December (my birthday month) came I went from “Lord, "fix it" to Lord, give me "rest!" There wasn't any room on my plate for much of anything, not even an ounce of "hope" for my life's "situation!" Come December, "hidden dysfunction" had secretly become way of life for me. There was no escape! Everywhere I turned, there seemed to be a load of "crap," waiting for me to clean up. The sad part is --it was other family members junk that subconsciously became my responsibility. I'd made myself "available" to others for so long that I spent another frustrated year forgetting about me! It literally became my way of life! I spent the year juggling family obligations and I was beyond exhausted. My prayer life suffered, because I didn't even know what to pray about. My time and attention had been tied up into "serving others" that I thought it was too selfish to pray for myself! So at the end of my days, there was nothing left for me! I don't care if I slept for four or twelve hours, my body was still tired. My hands were ALWAYS full of other people's junk.
So when my birthday rolled around, I didn't have any celebratory plans. I'd been doing an excellent job of "stuffing my emotions" with food. In fact, I went from being totally health conscious to eating everything in sight. I didn't care about a possible Diabetes relapse, I just needed "comfort!" The weight came back, my blood pressure sky rocketed, the migraines were back and I was a physical mess! I didn't even care. My load was so full, it was just some more added issues to the overwhelming pile. For once in my life, I didn't have a plan! There was no planned course of action to take cause I couldn't see a way out. I was "stuck" in my own mess, combined with carrying the load of others. For the month of December, during my meditation moments, I didn't know what to seek God's direction on. I spent my quiet times waiting for Him to give me some inclination of what to do next. I thought I was ready for whatever He would drop in my spirit, so I kept right on meditating, but all I kept hearing Him say was "purge!"
I was lost and upset! Clearly, this was not the voice of God telling me to "purge!" I had spent the last ten years of my life purging, downsizing and ridding myself of "things!" There wasn't a superficial bone in my body. I'd walked away from "everything," I struggled so hard to build. I was literally like Lord, I don't have anything left to purge, but week after week it was the same thing. I would spend my nights tossing around in bed, trying to figure out what else could God possibly want me to get rid of. Come daylight, I started to go into emotional fits (temper tantrums), pulling clothes out the closet to donate, sell, give away or just plain get rid of to appease God. Nothing happened! I was beyond frustrated!
On New Years morning, I popped up out of bed like I had won the lottery! I finally knew what God meant! He wasn't telling me to get rid of anything tangible. He was instructing me to release the intangible---the guilt, shame, hurt, grief, pain and disappointments. I didn't even realize I was still "bottling my emotions!" I wasn't in denial about my feelings, but I was tucking them neatly away for the next time. The next time there was an ounce of sadness that would show up, I would be prepared, because I could simply add the old to the new "problems!" Then I would fall into a deeper pit, without guilt, because life had been cruel and unfair to me! (my incorrect way of thinking)
I got out the bed and started pacing the floor, prophesying over my own life! Until this very moment, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live or die. I had given up without even knowing! Not only, was I prematurely grieving my grandmother's health struggles, but I was also grieving over past emotions. I thought because I had been delivered from bits and pieces of my story that "deliverance" was like a one time thing, not an ongoing process! I didn't even realize I was harboring those feelings so close to my heart, attempting to keep them from God's reach! I had no idea that I was "saving" them for the next negative encounter. I wasn't addicted to pain and suffering, but I had no clue how to let it go! Until I made sense of what God was saying----purge!
This is only the 4th day of January, but I feel like someone moved a dump trunk off my chest! I can breathe. I can love. I can live on purpose with purpose!
Is this thing called, "life" a cake walk? Absolutely, not!
Will there be more sadness, pain, hurt and frustration to come?
Most definitely, but I don't have to sit in the valley making a "mountain" out of my troubles! I don't have to add on to what God has already taking away. I don't have to carry what He has already lifted! I no longer have to suffer in defeat, cause He has heard my cries and He has saved me from the biggest most cruel enemy ever---the one within!
Why spend another day suffering or miserable when you can tap into His unfailing love?
He already paid the price for you to live an abundant life, don't let it be in vain.
Don't grieve God by living below your highest potential!
Strive to live blessed & free from bondage!
You are victorious, despite what's going on all around you!
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