Skip to main content

At the Crossroads of Indecision

“If we don’t allow God’s truth to take up full residency in our hearts, we may learn just enough to move out of one prison into another.”-Beth Moore

As I closed my eyes on the woes of yesterday, restlessness forced my eyelids back open in approximately 10 minutes flat.

Typically, Autumn brings unwelcomed chaos to my nocturnal circadian rhythms, but this was different. I couldn’t rightfully claim an ounce of Seasonal Affective Disorder in this season. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t hopeless.

However, I felt “imprisoned” by my own thought process.

Each accomplishment came with a unique set of accompanying headaches. There were unavoidable hills of real life challenges that scrolled on the scene daily. The “issues” multiplied like dirty laundry piles in an isolated corner that became an immediate eyesore each time I scanned the room searching for serenity.

Clutter annoyed me. It stifled my freedom. It derailed my purpose. It turned dreams into nightmares, but it also fueled my survival instinct. I insisted on stockpiling for future rainy days.

However on rainy days, my hands came up empty by omission of Godly counsel and self-reliance.

My mental mind-mapping sessions interrupted my clarity by the crossroad of overwhelming indecision.

I tripped on my own feet. I remained stuck in the past—trapped between who I used to be and who I was becoming.

I had traded one prison door for another.

The new sentencing trial came with stiffer penalties:

It convinced me that my gift was also a curse that should be locked up under lock and key. 

It force feed me lies.

It kept me shackled to the past.

It kept me reaching out, instead of up, for the most reliable hands that wouldn’t fold underneath the opinions of others.

Today, I shifted to the promising side of God’s truth.

I cut a new path and took a step forward towards a freedom that outlast popular endorsements.

A freedom that assures that I was birthed with a purpose, a passion, and a posture to "create" in spite of life's GPS warning that screams, "REROUTING!"










Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Glass Ceiling of Fear

"You can't "prop up" a person that refuses to stand ."-me Recently, I asked one of my " homeboys " to read a few of my blog posts and help " plug the gap " where my feet often stumbled. He didn't read one, but he read all of them! After a gut-wrenching, " throat punch of truth ," he unleashed the dragon. I was knee-deep in the swamp of hot ashes. Needless to say, I had allowed fear to become my glass ceiling ! Each time, I took off running for the hills , I looked back to the valley for "familiar hands." The " child within " had learned to go without the things needed most; so as an adult, I counseled my fears. I nursed my vulnerabilities. I coached my failures. However, my hands kept reaching for the " mentor within " that the younger version of me survived without. Let's face it! Kids learn what they live, even inherited dysfunction. Grown-up habits can resurf...
Post a Comment
Read more

Get Out The Way

It takes an incredible “act of faith” to step out on the unknown, but that’s exactly what God did—pushed me right out of the nest. I extended my stay, way beyond the appointed time. My wings were ready, but I secretly clipped them,  so I could remain still. I’d been comfortably nested for years, while focused on the “lack of my own hands,” but failed to trust the real provider. I was so keyed in on my inabilities that I refused to take the first step. It was just too scary! What if I failed? Never once realized, that I was equipped to succeed! I’ve always known my life purpose was tied to the ministry of “ service ,” but I failed to develop that hidden potential. I was afraid of rejection . I was afraid to be seen or even heard. I didn’t like attention because it came with an army or critics, including the biggest one within . How would I ever help anyone, if I refused to help myself?  I ran into a former high school classmate at the gym. We briefly talked ab...
Post a Comment
Read more

Becoming

One of the hardest truths to face is--being in a space that no longer serves you . Recently, I made a long, overdue decision to " disconnect " from the social media platform, Facebook. It seemed useless to work diligently to produce in a space that refused to acknowledge my efforts as a noticeable contribution. Showing up as a creative, in a world that pretends not to see you, reaffirms the wounds of " unhealed trauma " that remains undergirded by the scars of rejection. The " lack of engagement " sustained unwelcomed insecurities and prematurely wilted the petals of potential from forming full blooms. It reinforced the concrete walls of abandonment that lined the cracks of subconscious childhood memories.  It forced me into the isolated corners of desperation, trying to remain relevant in times of emotional uncertainty. My distress seemed oblivious to the masses that were drowning in their own pain. Help was like foreign aid, unattainable, beca...
Post a Comment
Read more