Open Secret

Dear God,

As I sat hopelessly obsessing this morning, I wondered if you were disappointed cause my soul was torn between good & evil. As I begin to unscramble this chaotic mountain of past failures, I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed & somewhat helpless. I understand “faith without works is dead” but how much effort should I be giving & just how much should I surrender?

“Balance” is a continuous hurdle but rightfully so. I’m just another work in progress, waiting for my moment, seeking a small slice of this foreign concept of the American pie story. A cross breed of Good & evil. The rags without the riches. An undeveloped potential waiting for an inherited come up.

The brokenness in me confuses this journey as failed perfection. You’ve been so good to me & yet there is an ounce of rebellion lingering when the sun sets & darkness overpowers me. Shadows of dreams deferred haunt me & Satan whispers ugly promises in my ear. You show up every-time before a catastrophic event occurs but guilt turns my scars to battle wounds.

My mind races back to the days when “survival” was the norm & recklessness was the way of life. Jumping on the interstate following “get rich schemes” was just a state line away from the hood reality.

Now that my hands are clean and the goals have changed, the struggle is real. I’m sprinting to the finish line but the rules keep changing. My motives are pure but my heart is shameful. Since this bad girl got saved, the love is just not the same. I feel like I’m hustlin backwards—two steps forward & take three steps back.

I know what’s unknown to man is not a secret from you, so I stand here with a sincere, repented heart. I come with outstretched arms and a burning desire to grow closer to your will. I invite you intimately into my personal space to untie the knots, silence the enemy & close the wounds.

What’s considered a hidden disability to man is an open secret to you.