I Surrender

“ I Surrender....”

Last night in class, I sat there feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Why? Cause I allowed myself to be fully present & FEEL the discomfort of every emotion that showed up! I squirmed in my chair, as I felt physically ill. I went from having a throbbing headache, to feeling nauseous & then the room started to spin. I could barely breathe at moments. It was my plan to walk outside & get some fresh air but I didn’t want to cause a distraction. I tried to blot my tears (the pretty cry) on multiple occasions to regain my composure but they just kept flowing.

When it was my turn to speak, I was a nervous wreck. I was over prepared but still stumbled over my words (couldn’t say “fatalism” to say my life), lost my train of thought (trying to call someone’s name) & my brain felt scrambled, just trying to get through it. Anxiety grew like a volcano about to erupt!

When it was over, I wanted to bolt out the room but women stopped to hug me. They assured me that I did a good job & offered lots of encouragement & support. What I imagined as being my worst was the “natural born critic” showing up to seize the moment.

I didn’t understand why God allowed the “rollercoaster of emotions” to rapidly cycle at this very moment but then I remembered my prayer to him. I had previously asked him to keep me “consistent” through this process, regardless of how uncomfortable it gets. I’m truly thankful that he heard my prayers. He wouldn’t allow me to abort my process.

This is my moment of liberation. My freedom has shown up. Chains are being loosed. The soil is being tilled. Instead of “running” from it, God is keeping me “still” to embrace, grow & learn. I’m so very thankful that seasons do change. I’m walking through my “transformation” while yielding & trusting that God is leading the way.

Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It’s a new season to be FREE.