Behind The Veil

From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:45-46)

How many times have we desperately stood in the valley, crying out to God? How many times have we felt “invisible” in his presence? How many times have we felt forsaken by Him?

Probably more times than we care to admit. I’ve been there a time or two myself.

I used to bury myself beneath the pain of my struggles. Secretly, the “pain” was my covering. It allowed for safety in my distress and hid my vulnerabilities from human touch. Pain was all I knew. It was the most familiar emotion that I could identify with, without discomfort. I didn’t have to practice at it. I didn’t have to aspire to reacher higher levels of it because I was “a guru of pain.” 

My secret way of escape —was to lose myself in self-help books. I dreamed of being healed & whole. I was going to master “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs” and slowly change the world. Impossible though—I could only change me. I was still determined to make “big waves” as a little fish. I would show the “pain” that it could no longer control me. It wasn’t my destiny, just because it became a key part of my identity. I knew better so I was gonna live better! I was gonna “live on purpose” with purpose. I was going to chase those Promises of God till the last breath of me.

However, I ran circles around myself because I insisted on running from God. I avoided being “still,” cause it meant I would clearly hear from him. Truth be told, I just didn’t like what he was saying. I wanted to tweak his requests. His word wasn’t lining up with my wants, needs & desires. I was a rebel that wanted to hang out comfortably in the “gray area without conviction.” I loved being close to the “fence” because it came without accountability. It became my crutch, enabling me from exploring all God had for me. I crippled myself by becoming a permanent attachment. I made the fence look good; so I wasn’t about to move.

I dipped in and out of social circles, just to show my face. I needed to prove that I was still alive but I would tiptoe out, longing for my crutch. I felt “invisible” in the presence of others; so, it became easier not to show up at all. I was surviving from a defeated place of lack. I didn’t have enough of anything to make it. 

It didn’t even bother me that I wasn’t connecting the dots. Every time I became restless, I would temporarily occupy my time with a new hobby. Talk about unfinished projects, I have tons of sewing fabric, Avon literature, jewelry making kits, natural products & essential oils to mix. I have so much “stuff” that I have to house it in different locations. I claim every year that I’m going to adopt a more minimalist lifestyle, well until I get bored. I’ve learned everything under the sun while exposing myself to different culture, lifestyles & religion. I’ve learned so much that I get lost in learning! 

Despite all the never-ending busy work, I still didn’t feel productive or fulfilled. Surely, I missed “my calling” cause I hadn’t touched it yet. My hair was turning gray, my birthdays were becoming more frequent & my biological clock was ticking. I needed “something” that I hadn’t experienced yet. I knew what it was but I lied to myself. I figured it was easier to live a lie than to “work for the truth.” 

My conclusion was that I was destined to live a bitter, broken life cause I hadn’t experienced “real love” yet. Every time I thought I stumbled across it, turns out it was a facade. I had all the answers but no clue cause I was “a runner!” Any sign of discomfort presented & I was out! (Ready to shut it down with any little mistake). I wasn’t perfect but I was subconscious seeking perfection. That was exhausting & unrealistic. I prayed for God to give me clarity, discernment & stillness to reconnect with Him. He did just that.

This most “personal enrichment course” has taken me on a different journey; a daily faith walk. I can’t even see the fence from where I’m standing & truthfully, I don’t even miss it. 

I stepped out on faith & obeyed God’s calling. I renewed my commitment to him & got busy!

At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks (my fence) split. The tombs (my strongholds) broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life (including me). They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus’ resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. (Matthew 27:51-53)

Here I stand without my fence, 

without the veil

& without shame.

Here I am walking boldly in my truth towards “a daily dose of freedom.” 

Will you take this “faith walk” with me as I follow Jesus?

Blessings &  Love.