I Finally Caught My Breath

When you've held your breath for 20+years, it's past time to BREATHE.

In 2006 my lungs collapsed, not physically, but emotionally & spiritually. It came from decades of being strong (behind the mask). It came from weathering storms, privately that I refused to speak on publicly. It came from a massive, malignant tumor of disappointments, loss, grief & hurts. “Misery” ran rampantly through my blood-constricted veins. My oxygen supply was nearly depleted and there was little chance of my survival. “Hospice care” was my only option. I needed a machine to breath, because I had given up. There wasn’t any fight left in me.

Pain became a natural way of life. There weren’t any morphine drips administered; so, I agonized in excruciating pain. My whole body hurt but my heart was numb. My pulse slowed down to an alarming rate. We anticipated this to be the end of my life. I was beyond exhausted! There was no real desire to live. I accepted this as my final fate. I made peace with my past & was ready to transition. 

It made my heart glad to know that I would soon be accompanied by family members that had gone on to glory. We had just buried my dad, but I don’t even remember being present. I don’t know what I wore, don’t remember what songs the choir sang or who was there. Actually, I don’t remember a lot about that day. I was in complete shock & denial. Surely, this was a horrible dream but I just couldn’t wake up.

After that blow, life became a domino effect of devastating traumatic experiences. My family & I suffered a great deal of significant losses. I checked all the way out on life. I was beyond “finished!” There wasn’t any physical presence of life left in me. I was a warm body physically present but mentally & emotionally absent.

I didn’t have the strength to pray for myself but I mustered up enough to pray for others. Maybe God took the sincerity of those prayers & showed mercy on me. Obviously, he had something different in mind than what I planned. He raised me up out of that bed and I began to walk. 

Everything that served as a reminder of the pain I endured, I tossed. It was way too painful to hold on to the past. I walked away from everything, without a plan. The only scripture that I could hold onto was this, “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,

The crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

And the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you.

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the Lord your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And My people shall never be put to shame.” (Joel2:25-26)

When I walked away, I didn’t care about shame or failure. I knew that my only chance of survival was trusting God to carry me through. I walked away from my home (didn’t even pack a thing). What seemed foolish in the natural was my obedience to God in the spiritual. Those possessions were connected to too much pain. I needed to heal in a quiet place. I needed to catch my breathe.

Well, I can’t really say that it came that easily. Moving came with another set of unique challenges. My health declined once again. There was an unknown journey ahead that came with more struggles but God was right there. With every stumbling block, detour & mountain, he was leading the way.

It has not been easy. Life has not been perfect but I’m here....

trusting

believing

walking 

& Breathing.

The Spirit of God has made me,

And the breath of the Almighty gives me life.-(Job 33:4)