The Thorn In My Flesh

2 Corinthians 12:6-10

I have plenty to boast about and would be no fool in doing it, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it. I don’t want anyone to think more highly of me than what they can actually see in my life and my message, even though I have received wonderful revelations from God. But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Some people misconstrue my quiet spirit as self-absorption. Well, those, in particularly, that don’t have a full understanding of the personality of introverts. I’m like a sponge in the presence of others. I view all “social interaction” as a learning or growth opportunity. I jokingly tell friends, “You either have my attention or you don’t; cause, my “attention span” is a little challenged at times.” They laugh wholeheartedly at my honesty; cause they understand my sense of humor is still a “work in progress.” In other words, it’s a honest joke—bout as good as it gets for now. Don’t judge me, I’m still trying!

To the posse (in Pastor Richard words) that get me:

They relate to my shortcomings without prejudice. 

They get why repetition annoys me. 

They understand I’m a visual learner & will mark up a page with tons of notes that nobody can decipher but me. 

They enjoy my free flowing, creative spirit. They comprehend the hidden compulsion that drives me to nurturers. 

They know why I sprint away from drama.

However, I could never be mad at anyone who decides their life is better off without my presence & who don’t care to occupy my space. I’m drawn to reciprocity these days. Not as a way of receiving, but with the understanding that I need to be replenished too. My needs are equally as important as the next one. God won’t allow me to continue catering to others, while neglecting self. In this season, self-care is not optional but mandatory!

Anyway, what does all this have to do with a thorn? We don’t know what Paul’s thorn was specifically; but I assumed mine was—this unwanted introverted personality. I thrived in the company of extroverts; so why couldn’t I be one too? It was confusing to see either people were drawn to me or almost seemingly repulsed by me. I could comfortably adapt to any environment, as long as I was not the center of attention. I knew for certain that I would be an asset to anyone’s team. I might not be prepared to hit a “home run,” but I could serve in some introverted capacity, even if I only cheered from the sidelines. 

However, my energy hasn’t always been welcomed with excitement; but more so, judged with scrutiny or apprehension. Nobody likes a walking mystery! People raise an eyebrow to the quiet ones. They perceive them as sneaky & often miss out on their innocence. My loyalty is beyond comprehension, even when it’s not deserved. My honesty scares some; cause, they’re secretly afraid that I will tell their secrets. (NOT happening) My commitment to “improvement” is on another level. I’m not bragging or boasting but I was raised by a ninety year old virtuous queen that taught me the importance of a “noble character.” I would rather suffer myself, than to see an ounce of harm done to anyone. Even with all my stronger attributes, I still miss the mark with many. I don’t compliment their agendas or fit their standards. I notice, I never fit in with the social elites, superficial or bougie. I’m a simple person with simple values that isn’t moved by Commercialism.

It used to grieve my spirit & cause me to long for a “tribe of women” that got the real me, not the outer shell. However, I gave & gave but it was never enough. I assumed it was because of that “thorn in my flesh.”

On Monday night, I was among a new tribe of women that don’t mind digging in the dirt with others, including me. I confessed that I was in a funky mood, my spirit was unknowingly heavy & my energy was out of balance. Instead of bashing or dismissing those feelings, they paused, not only to hear me, but listened with their hearts. They validated those feelings but didn’t allow me to surrender to them. We dug those feelings up from the root & processed them together. Everyone actively participated (on one accord) to experience the rawness of the pain. They, not only saw me, but they welcomed the intimate moment without inconvenience. 

Pastor Spivey shared “A Love Letter from God,” I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room. The individual impartations that went forth superseded any expectation & were welcomed with love. The energy immediately shifted & the heaviness was gone. Here, these women were traveling in intercession, yet God showed up for each & every one of them, with more than a small portion. I thank God for the willing vessels that pour so unselfishly to others on a daily basis. They boldly walk out their God-given assignments without any hidden agenda. They labor intensively without complaints.

We’re always so distracted by who don’t support, acknowledge, sow, pour or give; but fail to express our “deepest gratitude” for those that do without question or limitation. What I considered to be a thorn in my flesh, is only a reminder of my humility, like Paul. 

I am a “hopeless romantic” that thrives on stability. It feels super incredible to be in the presence of women that appreciate your presence in return. I’ve never genuinely felt that. 

We respect each other’s boundaries, without offense. 

We share, without biases.

We encourage, without condemnation.

We grow, without reservation.

We thrive; but most importantly, we love unconditionally!

These ladies have shown me the true meaning of healthy friendship & ministry. As I navigate throughout this spiritual journey, “that thorn” makes life more meaningful. It serves as a constant reminder that it is not through my own capabilities, but it’s His, that keeps me. His grace is truly sufficient.

Jonah & Me

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing tonight in my women’s bible study group. I read the material, did the homework; but, when we discussed Jonah in a lesson, “conviction” feel heavily over me. It seemed absurd that Jonah was trying to run from God. That life lesson was so obvious. I’d heard it a million times, but I wasn’t seeing the parallels to my own life. Here I was laughing at how ridiculous Jonah was, but then I realized I was “Jonah.” Wow!!!

I wept in disappointment. It made me sad to even consider that my present-day life resembled Jonah’s in any capacity. In short, I knew better but why wasn’t I doing better? Why did I insist on running-knowing for sure, I would lose every time? Where was I even running to? Most certainly, “my way” led to the same wilderness experience being repeated over & over again.

“Grief” immediately set in & then someone said a statement aloud that confirmed what I’d been secretly mourning over for a couple of days. For me to hear the statement out loud, meant a new level of “accountability.” I knew God was intentionally sending the correction. I wasn’t mad but I was flabbergasted that I spent days lamenting over this, without realizing the “root cause.” My energy had been “off” since early Sunday morning for no apparent reason; but now, I was beginning to see the bigger picture. God sent the confirmation through an impartation from an obedient vessel to show me what I was missing. Well, maybe “ignoring!”

Witnessing Jonah, through my own reflection, grieved my spirit tremendously, but I needed that self reflection. I needed that “wake up call.” I needed to reposition myself. I needed to continue yielding before God daily. This was not a difficult task, but I was still walking in reluctance, as well as disobedience.

Literally, God had me by the collar & He wasn’t losing his grip. He’s been all up in my face, close & personal, screaming, “Do you see me now?” If I refused to open my eyes before, I definitely couldn’t keep them closed now. He had already officially adopted me & I accepted by my own confession. There weren’t any legitimate excuses to defend my disobedience.  I grieved for the little, lost girl. I wanted her to stay along for the journey. I was holding her captive, against God’s will. I desperately wanted to question God, but I knew better. I knew she couldn’t stay any longer. Her stay was long overdue. Her season was up & it was time to release her into the past, where she belonged—as a distant memory.

God is so faithful, even during our disobedience. He continues to “build my testimony,” regardless of how unworthy I may feel at times. He is building my faith, as I choose to mature in Him, while standing still— to listen.

Keep me in your prayers, as I passionately pursue God’s best for my life—one day at a time, one step at a time.

Love & Blessings throughout your journey as well.

Open Secret

Dear God,

As I sat hopelessly obsessing this morning, I wondered if you were disappointed cause my soul was torn between good & evil. As I begin to unscramble this chaotic mountain of past failures, I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed & somewhat helpless. I understand “faith without works is dead” but how much effort should I be giving & just how much should I surrender?

“Balance” is a continuous hurdle but rightfully so. I’m just another work in progress, waiting for my moment, seeking a small slice of this foreign concept of the American pie story. A cross breed of Good & evil. The rags without the riches. An undeveloped potential waiting for an inherited come up.

The brokenness in me confuses this journey as failed perfection. You’ve been so good to me & yet there is an ounce of rebellion lingering when the sun sets & darkness overpowers me. Shadows of dreams deferred haunt me & Satan whispers ugly promises in my ear. You show up every-time before a catastrophic event occurs but guilt turns my scars to battle wounds.

My mind races back to the days when “survival” was the norm & recklessness was the way of life. Jumping on the interstate following “get rich schemes” was just a state line away from the hood reality.

Now that my hands are clean and the goals have changed, the struggle is real. I’m sprinting to the finish line but the rules keep changing. My motives are pure but my heart is shameful. Since this bad girl got saved, the love is just not the same. I feel like I’m hustlin backwards—two steps forward & take three steps back.

I know what’s unknown to man is not a secret from you, so I stand here with a sincere, repented heart. I come with outstretched arms and a burning desire to grow closer to your will. I invite you intimately into my personal space to untie the knots, silence the enemy & close the wounds.

What’s considered a hidden disability to man is an open secret to you.

Yesterday, I Had A Moment

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.”-Friedrich Nietzsche

“Yesterday, I Had A Moment”

Yesterday, I allowed myself to travel back in time & stir up some old emotions. In other words, I got lost in the hype. I allowed my mind to revisit a place that no longer served present day purpose. At first the thoughts were welcomed with anticipation, because I convinced myself it was necessary. I needed to let the past resurface to move forward, right? It wasn’t anything wrong with traveling down memory lane but then I got stuck there. I found myself subconsciously wandering at the cemetery.

As I strolled around the walking trail, I put an old song on repeat. I dug up feelings that God had buried. Then I begin to feel some type of way. I started to truly feel past rejections & insecurities rising. I begin to dwell on “what if scenarios.” I tried to become apart of an era that I outgrew & it just wasn’t comfortable anymore. It simply no longer fit & I was trying to force it.

The more I combed through memories, the frustration grew. I wasn’t this person anymore. These feelings were outdated. This was no longer my season & I was out of place. When God delivers you from Egypt, stay out. There’s nothing new to see. You’re time there in the wilderness has expired already. Why would you recreate a past that doesn’t serve your future? As Apostle Foust confirmed, “Why would you visit old graves?” Why try to resurrect the dead? Things God didn’t intend “to live,” let it stay buried.

On October 28, 2017,  I found myself giving new life to old experiences. As the day ended, God sent a word to give the benediction & say goodbye! What are you holding on to that needs to be released? Set if free & allow yourself to enjoy the present of “now.” Live on purpose with purpose. Stop allowing past memories to pull you out of God’s character. Shift & refocus.

Biblical lesson: We know what happened to Lot’s wife when she looked back. She became a pillar of salt.

I Surrender

“ I Surrender....”

Last night in class, I sat there feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Why? Cause I allowed myself to be fully present & FEEL the discomfort of every emotion that showed up! I squirmed in my chair, as I felt physically ill. I went from having a throbbing headache, to feeling nauseous & then the room started to spin. I could barely breathe at moments. It was my plan to walk outside & get some fresh air but I didn’t want to cause a distraction. I tried to blot my tears (the pretty cry) on multiple occasions to regain my composure but they just kept flowing.

When it was my turn to speak, I was a nervous wreck. I was over prepared but still stumbled over my words (couldn’t say “fatalism” to say my life), lost my train of thought (trying to call someone’s name) & my brain felt scrambled, just trying to get through it. Anxiety grew like a volcano about to erupt!

When it was over, I wanted to bolt out the room but women stopped to hug me. They assured me that I did a good job & offered lots of encouragement & support. What I imagined as being my worst was the “natural born critic” showing up to seize the moment.

I didn’t understand why God allowed the “rollercoaster of emotions” to rapidly cycle at this very moment but then I remembered my prayer to him. I had previously asked him to keep me “consistent” through this process, regardless of how uncomfortable it gets. I’m truly thankful that he heard my prayers. He wouldn’t allow me to abort my process.

This is my moment of liberation. My freedom has shown up. Chains are being loosed. The soil is being tilled. Instead of “running” from it, God is keeping me “still” to embrace, grow & learn. I’m so very thankful that seasons do change. I’m walking through my “transformation” while yielding & trusting that God is leading the way.

Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It’s a new season to be FREE.

Transparent Moment

#TransparentMoment

We’re always hyping ourselves up about reaching the next level but do we even take notice, when we attain it? We desperately seek God for that “next level of———“ but what do we do with it?

Last night, I shared something personal in a women’s bible study group. I attempted to publicly “introduce” myself by presenting a character flaw/weakness to the group. They looked “unmoved” by the comment as if my statement wasn’t a big deal. It’s not that they weren’t concerned but what I presented as a “mountain” was merely a “speed bump” that many shared.

After I opened my big mouth, I felt convicted. The statement no longer fit my present circumstances. Truly, I had been delivered from it without taking notice. I was holding on to a “limp” that was gone. The “limp” was all I had known. It became apart of my identity but it no longer served me in this season. I didn’t even realize that the “limp” was my enabler. It was my excuse not to run. It was reason to lay by the pool. It was my justification for taking residence in the wilderness.

However, I was already running laps daily. I learned to swim earlier in life (I didn’t forget) & I moved out the wilderness a long time ago. So who/what was holding me back? Definitely not the “limp,” it wasn’t even there. What have you allowed to attach to your spirit that no longer serves purpose? Let it go!

Just cause you conceive it in your mind doesn’t make it God’s reality! STOP checking “disabled” as your condition. STOP illegally parking in the handicap spot. STOP limping & walk towards all that God has for you. Don’t be your own hinderance. Take it from someone that’s “walking proof!”

Blessings.

Take Me To The Water

I “guess” it’s ok to post this at this hour. I mean it is “technically” a new day; right?🙈🙏🏽 Brace yourself, it’s very lengthy.🤭

“Take Me To The Water”

I don’t think I’ve ever understood “the big picture” of (1 Corinthians 3:6) until this moment. It reads, “I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase.

No, I’m not a “babe in Christ,” so I get the literal meaning. I know some plant the seed, some water but God gives the increase. I get it but never realized it’s significance. Yes, I “process” things differently in my little complicated head. Sometimes, I want to make things more difficult than they need to be. If it ain’t all complex; sometimes I can’t relate. I like to dissect things! Pull them to shreds & chew on it for awhile. Yes, I’m a little extreme, even with my emotions. I either feel everything at once or nothing at all! I’m either digging in the valley or shouting from the mountaintop, very few in-between moments. Haven’t quite mastered this “balance” thing yet!

However, God has been dropping “life changing revelation” my way—back to back. He literally has been slapping me upside the head. Things I’ve never considered or weren’t paying much attention to has shown back up as “mind-blowing epiphanies.”

In fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about my spiritual journey & how I know it’s been an ordained faith walk indeed. Timing is everything! (Not mine but his). I recall sitting in a revival years ago, hearing a Pastor preach, “Take Up Your Bed & Walk.” She was standing before me, preaching my life in a sermon, like she tore the page out of my invisible life book. I mean, I literally lived by the pool my entire life, not for just 38 years. It was my permanent residence; although, my hidden plea was for someone to come along & put me in the water. I was the man at the Pool of Bethesda that she was preaching about. It was definitely past time for me to walk but I forgot how, after being stagnant (crippled) for so long.

Anyway, after that night, I just knew I had been fully healed & experienced a major breakthrough. It was my “own personal revival” taking place in my heart, but I didn’t realize the enemy was plotting my downfall. A few months later, I picked up something that I just knew I was freed of. I was so angry, disappointed & frustrated.

At this point, I didn’t know how to “process” these emotions spiritually; so I ran again. God placed it on my heart to get a mentor, but that was like admitting a problem, a public declaration of weakness. I never wanted to appear needy, clingy or like a charity case. My “ego” was too big to admit that I needed help; so I suffered in Egypt, like the Israelites wandering for forty years. I kept going around the same mountain because God was tugging & I wouldn’t bulge. I couldn’t “outrun” God though.

He started to speak to me through vivid dreams but I considered them nightmares. I was just plain ole scared! The more I heard him call, the further away I ran. Please know, he was not “calling” me to preach, minister or hold an official position in the church, but he was calling me to rededicate my life back to him. I was horrified. What if I disappointed him? Yes, I know all the politically, correct biblical answers to that but this was for real. This was my life & I won’t playing so I ran once again....well, until recently! God caught up with me again & summoned me to “be still!”

Then, I had a life changing encounter during a group session that was real, up close & personal for me. Someone posed a question to the group about struggling with receiving God’s love. That was me, so I raised my hand (in all honesty). After that, everything she said sounded like “Charley Brown’s school teacher” but I chimed back in when she uttered something about....”you will know that you know without a shadow of doubt.” I heard that statement “replay” a thousand times. I knew God was tugging again. By now, I was a professional runner, ready to sprint but God had a plan bigger than I could ever imagine.

(This was extremely hard for me to share, cause I’m sailing way out of my comfort zone, being this transparent. I was definitely going to sit on this one). Long story short, I stopped running & made the decision to be baptized again. Why was that so hard to say? Cause it comes with a-lot of accountability, not to man but God. I preferred to hide out & have him keep looking for me, but I know I can’t hide from him. It’s surreal, for sure but I stopped running!

I’ve been thinking about all the wonderful women that sowed the seed, the ones that watered & now God is sending the increase. All of them have played a significant part in my life. Some don’t even know, but I thank God our paths crossed. It helped shape my desire to grow closer to him. It helped me to learn not to “waver in faith” at every passing storm. It taught me that he has been with me through every trial, loss & hardship. I pray that they are proud to share this moment with me, even from afar.

I said all that to say—-for the first time in a long time...”I’m launching out into the deep!”

From my real life experience, I leave you with this-(Acts 22:16) And now what are you waiting for? Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name.

I don’t know what my future holds but I’m walking towards his fullness, not sprinting in the opposite direction. I hear you calling, Lord & I’m excited to obey.

Keep me in your prayers, family, as I continue to transform. Humbly, one day at a time...one step at a time.

Blessings & Love.

Your Time Has Expired

Strange that we waste so much time grieving over “seasonal relationships,” when we know that God appointed that time to expire for good reason. We spend time agonizing over “hidden potential” that was never presented. We sulk in denial cause the truth is too painful. We become self absorbed by pity. We become self righteous, bitter pillars of tall tales to save face. We drown aimlessly in flood waters of pain & affliction. We suffer brutally at every secret attack. “Survival” becomes the norm.

We gravitate effortlessly back into the same cat & mouse circle. They do just enough to keep you dangling. They demand your attention but withhold theirs. They covet you privately but ignore you publicly.

Their “love language” speaks passionately to your insecurities. They use their bait to finesse your vulnerabilities. Their motives are for selfish gains. Their intentions are malicious. They have no desire to see you rise up. In fact, they enable your dysfunction to capitalize on their strengths.

They take great delight in your suffering; so, they can pretend to rescue you.
They keep you locked outside in the rain but pretend their door is unlocked.
They stab you in the back then pretend to stop the bleeding.
They pretend you’re on their team but strategically set you up for failure.
They pretend to help but are secretly hindering.
They prey on your generosity to keep their hidden agendas funded.
They make promises that they don’t keep.
They pretend to keep it real but are no stranger to fake.
They lie to keep the umbilical cord connected.
They sow discord to scandalize your name & undermine your future potential.

I came to serve notice on these people today....

Your services are no longer needed.
Your have fulfilled your assignment.
I regret to inform you that your “time has expired.”
I wish you well with your future endeavors.
This is your official notice of termination.

**Your season of lack, poverty & struggle is over. You have been promoted to reign as an heir in the kingdom of abundance, where the promises are all good!**

Will you “receive” your inheritance on today?

Love & Blessings.

Let Go & Let God

She was pushed out of the womb predestined for the fight ahead. A natural born social advocate for justice. An unknown, little warrior that spoke against hate, inequality & injustices everywhere. An ill-equipped drafted solider that accepted the "call" from home. A fighter in her own right- without basic training, equipped for battle without an army, no allies! She was just a ordinary civilian, yet already on the winning team. It wasn't that long before she soon realized that this "battle" had already been won over 4,000 years ago. (You already know the story of redemption--why the blood was shed.)

Her words could cut deep like a massive double-edge sword. She was a voice for the mute, a witness for the unbeliever & a walking testimony for the broken & disabled. The helpless & weak that didn't stand a real chance in this cold, cruel world. The ones society deemed "incompetent or inadequate" as charged. The rejects, the misfits, the socially challenged, the awkward & the abandoned. That's where she took residence, amongst her true tribe. They "needed" her & she " needed" them in return. It was an unspoken, mutual contractually agreement of "reciprocity at its best!"

However, once she tapped into her supernatural, God-given power. The world expanded & her soul opened up. She no longer felt the weight of the world bogging her down. She soon discovered that God did hear her poor heart's cry. She prayed & travailed with great intercession. God was indeed the only way! The great I am, the supreme being, healer, redeemer & deliverer.

 She released all the guilt, hurt & shame. She carried the world's pain for way too long. It was her innate responsibility & civic duty "to protect" but how soon did she forgot? That God is sovereign, ALWAYS in complete control & He never makes mistakes. Grief & sorrow is inevitable & people will be called "home."

You can't "save" anyone! Why would you even try? His shoes are too big to fill, just walk gracefully in your own. God will only give you what your two hands can hold.

-Don't worry bout the things you can't change. 

-Don't wonder aimlessly outside of your jurisdiction.

-Don't hold your thoughts captive by unrealistic expectations.

You didn't create the world, so you don't posses the power to change it. God charges us to be the "change" that we so desperately seek. He says it best in 2 Chronicles 7:14.....If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

LET GO & LET GOD!!!!!!!!!

THEN WATCH & SEE......

I Look To You

I haven’t had a down in the dumps, gloomy, sad type of day in awhile but today, I had a moment after “the moment.” I went to bed last night with a specific master plan to execute this morning but it didn’t happen. I was still tired from running from place to place. I needed a day of stillness. 

They say, “When your soul is tired, no amount of physical rest will sustain you.” Was my soul really tired? I’d taken plenty moments of rest, but what was I missing? The cold, rainy day provided the perfect opportunity for some much needed meditation & reflection.

Maybe, I was busy trying to overhaul my life overnight by placing impractical demands on myself. Unrealistic goals can be a premature death sentence, causing unnecessary stress & physical ailments. Neither were on my future agenda. I still felt like something was missing! I was starring at the promises but they felt so far away. I needed God to give me some immediate revelation. Surely, I was moving in the right direction. My motives were pure. My heart was in the right place. What else was there?

I spent some quiet time alone to fine tune my vision & position myself to hear from God clearly. I didn’t stress over upcoming responsibilities, weight loss goals, or meal prepping for the week. I just sat still & put life on the back burner. In fact later on, I realized my mood had shifted & I was now enjoying the moment. I slept so long, I woke up with a headache. It was a refreshing sleep. Something I’d been missing. 

I remembered reading last week, “In my weakness, his strength is made perfect.” He provided this moment as a simple reminder to lean in to him. For me to fully understand, that this is not my process. No matter how goal-driven I maybe, he is still in control. I look to him during my time of need & he delivers. He sets me free every time. 

I didn’t need to call anyone to vent. I didn’t need to lay around, sulking without reason.  I didn’t need a pint of ice cream for a pity party. I just needed to be still.

Enjoy your moments of rest. Lean into his presence. Experience his peace. Bask in his serenity. Feel his calmness. Summon his strength. Call out to him in your time of need. Reconcile your faith.

Let go & let God.

Fill Me, Lord

“Today is a very, “big” deal for me.... it’s a funeral procession for the old & a celebration of life for the new. Everyone doesn’t get the significance but he’s adopting me into my inherited family. I present myself freely to you.”

                               “Fill Me, Lord”

there’s peace in your stillness

joy in your obedience

redemption by your blood

there’s power in your word

healing to be claimed

deliverance without shame

freedom without guilt

justification by your grace

fullness in your purpose

separation from the world

newness of my life story.

fill me, Lord with all your promises

i fully receive your eternal & everlasting love.

i submit & surrender my all to you.

i rededicate my soul as an offering in truth.

No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.”
(Matthew 9:16-17)

Broken Promises

At the beginning of a women’s bible study group, it was my deep, intimate prayer that God bless me with some “healthy relationships.” Funny thing is—I can’t ever recall that being a specific prayer of mine. I operated in my “own will” of seeking out complimentary attributes. I used to jokingly say to friends that I was a magnet for “rejects.” Not in a sense of downing anyone, but I always attracted people who just weren’t emotionally capable of loving me. In other words, my brokenness attracted brokenness! I was secretly addicted to pain, sadness & suffering. I identified with people who had similar battle wounds. We “survived” together in our own dysfunctional pity. 

Then there were other connections that I always had to “guess” at what I meant to them. Their actions sent mixed signals. At first, I was great. Then not so great. Then only a distant memory. I just couldn’t trust my heart to know what the “norm” was cause every time others “showed up” in any capacity, seems like their “stay” was very short lived. I didn’t understand because I “loved hard!” I wasn’t a “in your face type person” but I aggressively loved from the sidelines! However, few took notice cause I never wanted the spotlight. Behind the scenes was my position! It grew to be my comfort zone. I would be in a room & nobody would ever notice! That was fine with me! Attention to me brought negative vibes or so I thought.

I prayed & God start moving in ways that not even I understood. I started to let my guards down. I started to relax more. I even found myself “laughing hysterically” at things that probably weren’t that funny. My sense of humor has always been a “work in progress,” but I begin to enjoy fellowship with others. I’m not timid but a little on the shy side, so this was big business for me! I meet two ladies for coffee last week on a rainy, cold night before a meeting. We all admitted that we wanted to cancel; but yet, we all pressed & had a great time. We talked until ten minutes before our meeting & we still didn’t want to leave. In fact, they texted me saying, “they wanted to meet again this week!” The irony is we are a diverse group of women that appear to have nothing in common BUT we have everything in common! We represent different walks of life, culture & backgrounds; yet, we don’t see these things. We look with our hearts! We love on each other without judgment, prejudice or biases. We don’t even know each other’s last name(it’s not even important) but they have become apart of my extended family.

I’m simply in awe of God’s grace & mercy. Many times, I’m so distracted by who hasn’t shown up, who won’t connect or has rejected me that I fail to reverence who has always “accepted” me, even in my shortcomings. When you look around, the numbers are truly irrelevant cause when you look up, he’s always right there—waiting!

I lived a long, miserable life, waiting unrealistically for something that may never show up. I took my eyes off of him cause I was distracted by worldly measures of success. Even though, I’ve never wanted anyone else’s cause I know mine was unique. It didn’t show up in material things, a man or packaged to perfection. I would surely know it when I saw it or felt it. 

Recently, it was “showing up” but I was scared. Imagine the thing/person you’ve waited for your entire life & you’re scared to acknowledge their presence. Surely, others came to stay in my life but it was temporary so I was justified in feeling doubtful; right? Wrong!  We’re so quick to point fingers at who “broke promises” to us, but how many times have we broke our promises to God? How many “last times” have we petitioned God for & then continued on as if he forgot? How many times have we hid our sins from the world, as if God couldn’t see it? How many times have we gave up on him cause we couldn’t feel his presence?

I can say today, that our relationship is no longer one-sided. I can truly feel & accept his love without guilt in a supernatural way! I have opened my heart to fully let him in. I’m not perfect but I’m his! I might not be the most popular, life of the party or social butterfly, but I’m evolving one day at a time. (most humbly)

When we don’t keep our promises to him, he still keeps his promises to us! I’m most thankful about it; aren’t you?

Valuable Life Lesson learned.

When Joy Came To Stay

Her late nights were greeted by restless early mornings. Her mind, constantly on “overload.” She made busy demands, hectic schedules & family obligations appear effortlessly but all along her “seams” were unraveling. She struggled to keep the mask from revealing the bags underneath her eyes. She fueled her overachieving energy with bottomless cups of mocha. Her body craved caffeine to function at it’s best. Showing up in a “mediocre” state was never an viable option. She had to excel. Her accomplishments were never enough. Her to-do-list was aggressively packed to capacity. She barely found room to breathe. Life was a mundane chore. She was annoyed by the daily repetition. Her well was drying up but she barely noticed her vessel scraping the bottom.

The days were running together. Fridays felt like overextended Mondays because the demands never ceased. She was bombarded by overwhelming responsibilities. The gas light was on but she ignored the warning. She was an expert at calculating miles per gallon. She subconsciously knew how much further she could go until a refill was mandatory!

Her introverted escape from the realities of the world was found in books. She was a walking encyclopedia but few knew it. She didn’t appear smart. She was quiet & bashful. She didn’t appear to excel at much of anything. She faded into the background without hesitation. Her prayers were monotonous & didn’t claim other’s attention but she felt God’s touch resting strongly on her. Many would be dismissive in her presence. She didn’t appear to have anything meaningful to say. She was a warm body that lacked social intellect. She avoided eye contact, her speech was slurred & her debilitating posture was an instant turn off. The thick aroma of insecurity filled the room like a stench of cheap perfume when she was present.

Life had to be more fulfilling than a worn out calendar full of penciled in, incomplete deadlines. She wrestled with resting. There was just way too much to do. Her “calling” was rooted in serving others at a young age. It was her most meaningful contribution to ministry. Time was not standing still & she had to fight the flock of nearby birds for the early worm.

One day with an overwhelmed spirit, she cried out to God. She was sinking quickly on a man made foundation. It could no longer support the weight of her physical frame. She was losing her grip. The seams were now ripped fully apart & visible with the naked eye. She had suffered an emotional beating that left her  lifeless body frail. 

BUT GOD.....

She grabbed her tattered, bible with clutched fists & began “travailing” with the God given authority supplied. She tapped into her power source & leaned completely in. She stopped muttering & whispering to the enemy. She commanded him to flee in the name of Jesus. She began to war for “self” & God interceded on her behalf. 

She went from wounded to a warrior. 

 ...from worrying to trusting.

...from suffering to healing.

...from the valley to the mountain.

...from defeated to victorious.

She presented herself as a “sacrificial offering” to live for God’s will and renewed her covenant with a committed heart. She changed her confession to “yes!”

And just like that is when “joy” came to stay.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

I Finally Caught My Breath

When you've held your breath for 20+years, it's past time to BREATHE.

In 2006 my lungs collapsed, not physically, but emotionally & spiritually. It came from decades of being strong (behind the mask). It came from weathering storms, privately that I refused to speak on publicly. It came from a massive, malignant tumor of disappointments, loss, grief & hurts. “Misery” ran rampantly through my blood-constricted veins. My oxygen supply was nearly depleted and there was little chance of my survival. “Hospice care” was my only option. I needed a machine to breath, because I had given up. There wasn’t any fight left in me.

Pain became a natural way of life. There weren’t any morphine drips administered; so, I agonized in excruciating pain. My whole body hurt but my heart was numb. My pulse slowed down to an alarming rate. We anticipated this to be the end of my life. I was beyond exhausted! There was no real desire to live. I accepted this as my final fate. I made peace with my past & was ready to transition. 

It made my heart glad to know that I would soon be accompanied by family members that had gone on to glory. We had just buried my dad, but I don’t even remember being present. I don’t know what I wore, don’t remember what songs the choir sang or who was there. Actually, I don’t remember a lot about that day. I was in complete shock & denial. Surely, this was a horrible dream but I just couldn’t wake up.

After that blow, life became a domino effect of devastating traumatic experiences. My family & I suffered a great deal of significant losses. I checked all the way out on life. I was beyond “finished!” There wasn’t any physical presence of life left in me. I was a warm body physically present but mentally & emotionally absent.

I didn’t have the strength to pray for myself but I mustered up enough to pray for others. Maybe God took the sincerity of those prayers & showed mercy on me. Obviously, he had something different in mind than what I planned. He raised me up out of that bed and I began to walk. 

Everything that served as a reminder of the pain I endured, I tossed. It was way too painful to hold on to the past. I walked away from everything, without a plan. The only scripture that I could hold onto was this, “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,

The crawling locust,

The consuming locust,

And the chewing locust,

My great army which I sent among you.

You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,

And praise the name of the Lord your God,

Who has dealt wondrously with you;

And My people shall never be put to shame.” (Joel2:25-26)

When I walked away, I didn’t care about shame or failure. I knew that my only chance of survival was trusting God to carry me through. I walked away from my home (didn’t even pack a thing). What seemed foolish in the natural was my obedience to God in the spiritual. Those possessions were connected to too much pain. I needed to heal in a quiet place. I needed to catch my breathe.

Well, I can’t really say that it came that easily. Moving came with another set of unique challenges. My health declined once again. There was an unknown journey ahead that came with more struggles but God was right there. With every stumbling block, detour & mountain, he was leading the way.

It has not been easy. Life has not been perfect but I’m here....

trusting

believing

walking 

& Breathing.

The Spirit of God has made me,

And the breath of the Almighty gives me life.-(Job 33:4)

My Lazarus Moment

Yesterday, was life changing in so many ways. It was a monumental celebration of a “new life” for many, including myself. The love, energy & support was totally bananas. It was the first time, I had the privilege to witness so much joy under the same roof in quite awhile. I witnessed strangers become extended family. I watched the genuine sincerity of new relationships form & most importantly, I felt God’s presence. I just know God smiled quite a few times on last night. 

The sanctuary felt like an incubator. God was preparing the table & setting the atmosphere for immediate miracles. I felt his shekinah glory occupy new dwellings & reign down like never before. I felt deliverance flow and healing sip through barriers blocking heart rhythms. It felt like Spring in November. God was restoring the desolate, abandoned & dilapidated. 

He was making the last—first. 

He was restoring hope.

He was reigniting fires that had dwindled down by disappointments, rejections & brokenness.

He was making “babies” leap.

He was in “complete control.”

What seemed unfamiliar and out of place became a safe haven. Empty vessels were being filled. People were rejoicing in adoration and marveling in amazement at the transformations taking place by His might.

Even I was astonished by his sovereign work, he was everywhere at the same time—moving from heart to heart. I was overwhelmed with complete joy. Everyone was getting more than their portion. Childhood needs were being fulfilled after decades of neglect. Growing pains that had resurfaced were being washed away. Evil past exploits became testimonies of triumph. Victory filled the temple.

In my moments of worship, I closed my eyes & reverenced Him for all that was taking place. My gratitude beat in sync with His. We were on one accord. Our relationship had evolved. It was no longer one-sided. I received his love without guilt or shame. I was finally “complete” in Him.

Then God dropped this familiar scripture in my heart (John 11:43-44) Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” And Lazarus came out, bound in grave clothes, his face wrapped in a head cloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!”

When I opened my eyes, I realized - I was Lazarus.

Take the limits off God. If He did it for little, old broken me, surely He can do it for you. Not only can “I LOVE BUT I CAN RECEIVE LOVE!”

Love & Blessings

Where It All Began

“Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.”

John 1:3

I’m not the kind of person that’s content with following tradition, without asking a lot of questions. I’m very inquisitive and that’s not always welcomed in terms of religion. Some view “posing questions” as presenting doubt in the Creator. You can easily rustle feathers asking the hard questions; but, I still needed answers, so I did a little digging.

I explored the “Evolution Theory,” I studied in Biology that basically states that all life evolved from earlier forms of life on earth, including humans, which centers around the most controversial topics of man evolved from apes. No, I wasn’t buying into that, so I kept digging. I read all kinds of history publications, watched numerous documentaries, studied other religious beliefs and ventured way off to some other controversial topics that left my head spinning. I was more confused than when I first started out. What set out as an innocent exploration of understanding turned into a plethora of more unanswered questions.

Obviously, I’m not a biblical scholar, so I didn’t have the foundation that I needed, but I wanted to stand confident in my own beliefs. The more I read, the more shame started to swell in my throat like a lump of coal. I was traveling way outside of my jurisdiction. I started to question if my “digging” was treading on a borderline of sin? I felt so convicted by my questions that I took a short sabbatical from church. I didn’t feel right worshiping on Sunday mornings with so many unanswered questions.

One evening, I sat frustrated on the couch, surrounded by books, different translations of Bibles & a notebook full of unexplained notes. I was completely lost, so I did what my ancestral roots had taught me to do—I prayed. I prayed so long & hard that I was wailing with every deep emotion overpowering me. I cried until I feel asleep. 

In my dreams, I started to see these weird portals that spooked me. I begin to see a person preaching without a head. I was terrified but I couldn’t wake up. God began to speak to me but I couldn’t see his face. I kept looking for his face, but all I heard was his voice. To make a long story short, he gave me simple instructions. He said, “Stop seeking to comprehend the complexity of me with your mind & start seeking me with your heart.”

When I woke up, I grabbed my bible & read the word. It was in my heart. I felt every word to be true. I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was my higher power & that was more than enough for me. I stopped digging in history books & publications; but I started digging into his word.

Just how did God create the earth? This is an ongoing never-ending debate. Some say that there was a sudden explosion and the universe appeared. Others say God started the process and the universe evolved over billions of years. Almost every ancient religion has its own story to explain how the earth came to be. And almost every scientist has an opinion on the origin of the universe. But only the Bible shows one supreme God creating the earth out of his great love and giving all people a special place in it. We will never know all the answers to how God created the earth, but the Bible tells us that God did create it. That fact alone gives worth and dignity to all people, (including me). (Life Application Study Bible-NLT)

So I stopped looking in the natural & start yielding to the supernatural Supreme-Being that dwelled on the inside of me. This life-defining moment started an indescribable journey that lead to the beginning of a supernatural “faith walk.”