Crying on the Inside

But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." Ruth 1:16

Our hands will NEVER depart.

I've made some mistakes along the way. Drug my feet through the mud a time or two. Pitched a tent in the wilderness and camped out longer than anticipated. Fell off the mountain top of life's unexpected. Laid by the pool helplessly. Cast my pearls before swine.

But one thing, I've never done is Q-U-I-T!

Today, I asked God to purge the residue of sadness lingering from the pit of my belly that contains an overwhelming amount of grief from the losses, transitions, and seasonal changes over the past few months. The inevitable is near and I'm not putting up a fight, but I realize the only thing that is keeping me from collapsing is the prayers of the ones that rally around me.

As I watched my grandma wrestle with unrest once again, I crawled into bed and snuggled up closely to her stiff, cold body. I held her in my arms and cried tears of release. I needed to release her from the selfish clutches of my hands that pleaded with God for her to stay longer, without acknowledging His will.

On today, I released her from my hands into the Most High. My grief stricken mouth couldn't even articulate a prayer of comfort, but the Holy Spirit lead me to Psalm 23. As I sat in the recliner next to her, I read it aloud and played some soft worship music. She mumbled a few things that I didn't understand, so I went back into the next room. I thought my presence added to her discomfort and restlessness, so I went into the nearby room and sat in complete silence.

All of a sudden, I heard my grandma loudly say, "The LORD is my shepherd: I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." Then she would venture off a bit and pick back up again.

When I tell you that God is R-E-A-L, please believe me! He shook my nest with signs and wonders!

I truly thank God for my Naomi tribe that loved me unconditionally. Each one nurtured my insecurities, validated my strengths, and accepted me with open arms.

Mrs. Fannie taught me the importance of loving with my whole heart, despite the band-aides I wrapped it in.

Mrs." G" taught me that showing up is more than enough.


My grandma has taught me compassion, resiliency, and laid the foundation that shaped my faith.

Despite all the bad that takes place, our bonds remind me of all that is good!

"In my distress, I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6

Rally around your tribe.
Show up for people.
LOVE like tomorrow is not promised.

Freedom from the Performance Trap

Jesus said to her, "Did I not say to you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?" John 11:40

Whenever I find myself needing to extend "grace" to myself for mistakes, my arms tend to come up short. However this weekend, I took on more than I could rightfully own. I literally ran myself into the ground trying to "perform."    

Somehow, I circled the same block and insisted on showcasing a "united front" that said, "I got this (without help)! I made an executive decision to spread myself too thin. I juggled responsibilities that were too big for my hands. I miscalculated and leaned too far to the left. The distractions, discomfort and demands got the best of me. I cracked under pressure! The tears were evidence that I hadn't fully shifted. Obviously, I had strayed away once again from God's truth and was still stranded in "survival mode."

Between the frustration, tears, and prayers, God interceded and sent divine intervention. My cousin showed up and literally held my arms up. She allowed me to step from behind the veil, without judgement. She carried my weariness upon her shoulders. She leaned into God to bridge the gap of my unrest. Her intercession served as a pleasant reminder that God's peace is present in the midst of pain.

The enemy thrives in chaos. He loves to launch those same old fiery darts that keep us oppressed by people pleasing, pride, and "performing!"

On today, I granted myself permission to fully surrender on another level....

The glory fell.
My soul quickened.
Freedom shook the trap.

In the words of my Sister in Christ on tonight at Bible Study, "This is my slay!"

Slaying all the bondage, blockage, and barriers to God's truth.  

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 

A Life Poured Out

"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25-26       

For the last two days, I've quietly watched my grandma transition from a warrior to a wanderer. Her frail statue, refusal to eat/drink, and extreme exhaustion gives physical cues of her internal state.  I felt the inevitable presence of the death angel nearby once again. My conflicted heart is torn between grief and relief, so the inability to articulate in words comes by way of our love language, placing her hands inside my hands, back massages, and feet rubs. My heart doesn't want her to suffer, but my hands refuse to let go.

As I stare at her frame, I sense her spiritual-being has already ascended. There is some obvious peace present but awkward unrest as well. Convincing my head of what my heart knows to be true proves to be a continuous power struggle. My fleshly apprehension finds solace by comfort food--bottomless carbs. My blood sugar has spiked to alarming levels, but "mourning" takes precedent right now. (No matter how far you are on your spiritual journey, humanistic grief proceeds the celebration that follows).

As I sit frantically searching my indecisive heart for answers, my spirit silently weeps.

However, my tears rest on the reassurance of knowing that she has lived an abundant life, evident of God's favor, grace and mercy.

She has preached her "sermon" throughout the span of her life by loving actions, kind words, and generous deeds.
She has unselfishly served with a humble, meek and gentle heart.
She has lead by example for family, friends, and foes.
She has definitely built her house upon his rock.

"Then I heard a voice from heaven say, "Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on," "Yes," says the Spirit, "they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them." Revelation 14:13   

Are you living a life poured out in service for others or barely existing?

Does your outward countenance testify to the living God on the inside?

Does your faith triumph over sorrow, grief, and loss?

"My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:2-3

Are you Reaping or Eating?

It's nearly impossible to convince a person living in poverty that they already have wealth stored in their belly. In the natural, all they see is lack. They have allowed the enemy to arrest their overflow, because they refuse to utilize God's resources. The best way to tap into your inheritance is to ask God to renew your mind.

How do you renew your mind?

Feed it. (Meditate on God's word daily and focus on his truth).
Face it. (Don't ignore your feelings. They won't disappear. Intentionally, cast down "stinking thinking").
Faith it. (Belief for God's best to manifest).

Romans 12:2 is not overrated. It says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."

I remember being in barren seasons when my belly was never satisfied, because I inadvertently ate my seed. I came from a tradition of hoarders; so naturally, I gravitated to stock piling things, emotions, and anything else within reach. My book shelves overflowed, my closets collapsed, and my brain felt overloaded. The clutter bombarded my peace, annoyed my spirit, and contaminated my spirit.

Recently, I stumbled across 2 Corinthians 9:10-11, "Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God."

This scripture sent conviction and grieved my spirit. Here, I was sitting in the middle of an overflow  nursing selfishness and complaining about lack. God faithfully supplied all my needs. He gives seeds to sowers and bread to eaters. God gives extra to the sowers to bless others but supplies the basic to the eaters.

Which one are you? A sower or an eater!  

"The seed will grow well, the vine will yield it's fruit, the ground will produce its crops, and the heavens will drop their dew. I will give all these things as an inheritance to the remnant of this people." Zechariah 8:12  

Beyond the Pit

For quite some time, my schedule has been consumed by grunt work. I've been burning the candles at both ends, striving to divide my attention between several unfinished projects, which means mediocre strides, due to my lack of full attention in each capacity.

On yesterday, I reached out to a family member for a quick rant, exhaustion had crept in once again, and I couldn't meet the current demands of academic deadlines. Between the synergistic collapse of my physical and emotional well-being, I decided to take an "L." I failed to produce, because I felt crushed under the slew of silent challenges that played softly in the background.

I wrestled immensely with the weight of  defeat. Somehow, I kept finding myself trapped in a twilight zone of dysfunction. I insisted on casting my pearls before swine. My default settings kept pulling me--packed for the pit of people pleasing, rejection issues, and bound by the yokes of perfectionism.

I secretly coveted perfection. I wanted my journey to be free from bumps, bruises and bends. I wanted my path to be linear, without curves, speed bumps, and detours. I wanted to win without the attached stress.

How ironic? When God grants us freedom, we retreat intuitively back to the pit.

 My flesh seemed to adore the pit. It was seclusion, my place of refuge when I refused to show up. It was confinement, the place where other imprisoned souls understood the rhythm of my thoughts without articulation. It was the dark place that lacked mirrors, where I intimately dressed in the garments of  self-sabotaging behaviors without guilt.

However, I wasn't out of God's reach, he kept shining light and exposing darkness. Actually, I realize that I've outgrown the pit. The space is too small. It stinks! It houses toxins that produce irritants to abort my spiritual pregnancy.

What pits have you allowed to house your fear, hide your truth, and hinder your purpose?

"And He also spoke a parable to them: "A blind man cannot guide a blind man, can he? Will they not both fall into a pit?" Luke 6:39

Rise up out the pit and lead other prisoners out of darkness. Show them evidence of how you set your bed of freedom on fire but still came out unscathed by the flames and don't smell of smoke. Let the testimony of how you overcame, set others free.

Seasonal Love Cycles

In due season, we serve official notice to those lingering spirits that captivate our heart, capture our interest, and command our attention.

We hand out titles, like invitations to vested people that we believe are appropriate, based on convenience.

Then, we demote them accordingly, when the leaves fall away and the climate changes.

We fall in and out of love with people like the weather.
We treat them like they're disposable--relevant, then irrelevant.
We control the narrative and adjust the thermostat (as needed). Either we turn up on them--cold or hot in response to their service.
We cultivate doubt and nurture instability (cause we failed to properly wait for God’s instruction).

We jumped on the freeway of love without specific directions.
We allowed “feelings” to navigate and cruise control drove us to destruction.

We crashed into truth that exposed our lack of preparation. We packed the wrong bags. We intended to stay forever!

We are crushed by the reality, “They were not hand picked for us by God.”

We executed too soon.

It was not time to launch into the deep. The cues of inconsistency, instability, and immaturity warned our reluctant hearts, but we proceeded to the route.

Don't allow your heart to provide a permanent dwelling for a temporary occupancy.

Don’t allow the weight of your load to send you out into the wilderness searching for a “vehicle of love” to carry you where God will take you.

Don’t allow seasonal people to make reservations for vacation in your heart and cause you to miss God’s best.

Don’t allow your heart to be mishandled in and out of season.

Stop recycling man’s leftovers and allow God to cultivate his abundance. 
Stop standing on false accusations of love.
Stop sending up "smoke screens" to the memories of yesterday and allow them to freely go!

" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Anything outside of God, will not produce love or reproduce longevity.

New Altitudes in Him

I automatically assumed that I was a “change agent” by default, until I kept stumbling over the past, fumbling new plays, and sabotaging wins. Every time I conquered one demon, another showed up.

Evolution was a tedious process that I frowned upon and met with reluctance.

I took my L’s like an OG.

It was like a badge of honor that kept me relevant in the hood.

It kept me humble on church pews on Sunday and was evidence of my humanity on Monday.

I straddled the fence of know better and do better.

I praised in a public posture, but dipped in desperation when the Holy Spirit escorted me home. The anointing vexed those ill-fitting garments of generational curses that hid underneath my skirt. It pierced my heart with truth till I bleed--freedom.

Something about freedom scared me, because my heart grew institutionalized by pain.

I couldn’t sit on couches of darkness and drink Tequila till numbness immobilized my feet.

I couldn’t ration my goods as a sacrificial offering to culprits disguised as suitors.

I couldn’t lay by the pool expecting a rescue mission to scoop me up out of helplessness.

I couldn’t freely sit in bondage to escape freedom that the Light (God) already offered.

My season had changed.
My keys unlocked new doors of opportunities.
My proclivity towards darkness was rooted in lies of generational curses that no longer concealed my pain.

God rewired my internal GPS, changed my direction, and shifted me into anew path of self-discovery.  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

No matter how far you've ventured off course, you're still within reach of God's promises. It's NOT TOO LATE! You have the keys to unlock all of your blessings. Will you commit to CHANGE on today?

God is waiting to take you to new dimensions in Him.

Will you go?

Saving Grace

My relationship with my daughter mirrors the strained relationship that I have with my mother. It’s an ongoing, cumulative group effort to extend daily grace, forgiveness, and love on historical monuments of natural emotional disasters.

As the saying goes, “We repeat what we don’t repair.” I definitely walked miles in my mother’s shoes. I made many unhealthy decisions out of distress. I colored in the empty spaces with dark crayons.

I unintentionally cultivated an atmosphere conducive to my upbringing, a place of lack.

I acclimated my daughter to darkness by traditional family norms. I kept the blinds drawn in our place out of traditional habits that proved that keeping the utility bill down was more important than natural light exposure. I slept for hours to avoid dealing with the pain of being awake, while she played quietly alone.

Our resources were scarce. We barely met the minimum. My emotional indebtedness became more of a parental chore. I was ill equipped for the responsibilities, so the overwhelming load brought a flood of disappointments.

My misguided assumptions caused unnecessary suffering. I surrendered my parental flag to statistics that proved we were destined to fail. I fought against oppression with carnal weapons and lost!

So thankful that the redemptive power of his blood saved a wretch like me from drowning in darkness, shame and humiliation.

I can’t change what I planted on yesterday, but I take full responsibility for what I sow on today.

Somewhere between what I “lacked” then, God nurtures now.

With every new sunrise, I open the barriers to allow light to dispel darkness.

I sprinkle seeds of His mercy to combat past condemnation.

I search for significance in his truth to abide in love.

With every given opportunity, I plant new trees.

Thank God for his saving grace.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved" 
                                                                                                                          Ephesians 2:4-5 ESV

Come out the Closet

When God shifts the ground beneath our wings, sometimes it’s difficult to convince our mind to advance to the next level.

Loyalty rooted from our heart's default presents opposition to our head. It says, "we should continue to answer those dead-end phone calls, acknowledge those random texts, and address those old familiar ties."

So we become trapped on the couch of familiarity.

We suffocate each time we say "yes" to convenience.

We bury our heads in the sand of ignorance to keep from addressing the giants inside the closet.

We bargain with God for transformation, but we reject change.

Today, is the day to come out the closet.

Come out the closet of bitterness.
Come out the closet of anger.
Come out the closet of rejection.

Shake the trap of disappointment. Expecting others to supply your needs is a man made fallacy. Remember--People will only water you for the moment. It NEVER lasts!

Aren’t you tired of feeding off the leftovers?

Is your appetite being satisfied in the closet?

I promise if you give "the lack" to God and let it remain there (fully vested in faith).

He will add substance and subtract superficial.

He will send the increase and plug the deficit.

He will multiply the resources and divide them according to his riches.

He will replenish the harvest and remove the famine.



Come up out of the man-made, trap house and enter into his gates with thanksgiving.


"But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly." -Matthew 6:6

Restitution is Available

I took another step into the redemptive waters of healing and evaluated some dry bones of festering grief.

As anxiety tries to swell and my hands begin to become unsteady on this wireless keyboard, God instructs me to take a deep breath as I release this life lesson. It has set like stagnant swamp water rotting in my belly, surrounded by a secret plantation of undocumented, foreign bodies. It has housed slaves shackled in trauma, slaves of darkness, and slaves of fear.

Revelation exposes the truth. I had contaminated my field by my own blood shed. I had sown seeds of insecurity, inconsistency, and instability at an early age. When my seeds manifested according to what I planted, I was devastated. The repetitive generational cycle claimed my inheritance.

Infestations attacked my fruit.
Toxins invaded my soil.
My wells contained lead.

My seeds suffered toxic lead poisoning, because I wasn’t equipped for the call. My legs collapsed under the pressure of guardianship. My undeveloped breast failed to nurse. My recycled, safety net exposed my crop to harsh, adverse weather conditions. At night, the predators feasted on my harvest because my post was uncovered.

Shame tried to disfigure God’s plan.
Guilt tried to arrest his promise.
Condemnation tried to crucify his truth.

However, I trust God to replenish what the locusts have eaten. I trust that he will supply according to his riches. I trust that he will produce milk and honey in a barren land. I trust that he will give beauty for ashes.

God didn’t change his mind cause you stumbled in a prior season.

He will raise up an army to possess the land that you neglected.

He will tear down the walls of Jericho.

He will show you favor like Rehab.

"The poor and needy search for water, but there is none: their tongues are parched with thirst. But the Lord will answer them. I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs. I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set junipers in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together, so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the Lord has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it." 
                                                                                                                  -Isaiah 41:17-20

Iron Sharpens Iron

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

Despite my passionate love for writing, I struggled to write the introduction for my current research paper. Honestly, the topic was ridiculously heavy. My spirit resonated with the topic, because I  had lived it. It was engraved on the creases of my heart and the residue of the past formed a painful lump in my throat. Growing increasingly frustrated with these feelings, I reached out to a Sister in Christ for some intellectual stimulation. For one, I needed a serious "brain dump" and she always understood the complexity of my overloaded brain, without a long, drawn out disclaimer. She understood my energy beyond the surface level without assumptions, judgment and criticism. She was indeed an anointed powerhouse! A true intercessor that could draw on the Holy Spirit and utter a few power packed words to bring me out of the funk of powerlessness and direct me back to his truth.

At an early age, my grandmother mirrored "survival and servanthood" until it echoed into my being and nurtured a humble, quiet, meek person that shunned boldness. So as I draw near the crossroad of  God's transforming evolution, I struggle to move from pain to power. However,

The circles of depression no longer serve me 
The oppression of the majority no longer confine me 
The barriers of acceptance no longer define me.

 My freedom had been violated by social norms for so long that it buried me under the bricks of helplessness. I continued to wage a spiritual war against myself, because I relied on religious traditions that silenced me against generational curses.Survival had taught me to raise those carnal weapons on hand. When the enemy provoked me, I poked back (defensively). However, the propensity to react came from a deep rooted, defeated posture. However, my roots were no longer submerged in outdated dysfunction, chaos, or pitifulness.

God had escorted me to the hilltop, cause the valley no longer imprisoned my mind. Darkness no longer taunted me. The hilltop was the land of the free!  It was the place that Pastor Solomon taught about on Monday night. The battlefield where you slayed and killed those giants in your life. The place that displayed your badge of honor in him.

I don't care what fallacies the enemy whispers in your ear. Healing doesn't take place in isolation. Rally around some power packed saints (that won't promote their own agenda), but that will point you towards your proper place in him.

 Gather with the intercessors and come up. You don't have to climb the mountain. Mark 11:23 says,  "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea' and does not doubt in their heart. They  must believe that what they say will happen. Then it will be done for them."

The Blind Spot of People Pleasing

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."  Galatians 1:10

On last night, I retired earlier than the norm to my favorite cozy, bamboo pillows and classic white sheets. It was something nurturing about swaddling myself in that crisp "white sheet" that calmed my sense of uneasiness. However, it was not enough for an uninterrupted night of sleep. My circadian rhythm was all over the place! I woke up several times, just to stare at the uninspiring, bedroom ceiling.

When the alarm sounded, my physical frame crashed harder into the grooves of the mattress. The migraine forced me to lay there awhile longer to convince my legs to comply. My spirit was heavy! I needed a supernatural encounter, not another church service. After getting makeup on two separate dresses, I hurried in a frenzy to make it out the door in a halfway decent amount of time. Although my feet moved swiftly down the stairs, my mind was still preoccupied under the covers. My energy was not pleasant. My spirit man weighed a ton! On the car ride, I tried to convince myself to turn around. I skipped breakfast, had a migraine, and was sleep deprived. My head screamed for my bed, but my heart longed for Jesus.

In worship service, I tried to be attentive and on one accord with the Holy Spirit, but I felt spiritually incapacitated. The more my head throbbed, the more reasons I found to cut out early. However, the message, "The Mouse Trap of Religion," on the overhead commanded my attention.

As the Pastor walked this "relationship vs religion" message out, I already knew it was God orchestrated, like "fresh manna" falling from the sky. Who knew? God had honored my grievances from the car ride. It wasn't church as usual! Revelation fell fresh. Conviction followed. My cage opened wider.

Even though, I've been making strides forward, I've been equally frustrated by my "blind spot!" There have been some opinions, judgments, assumptions and criticism (from outsiders) that I have outgrown. However, there were some wounded areas that I refused to uncover.

It's not always the noise from outside of the four walls that keeps you in bondage. Sometimes it's the "unhealed child" from within that yearns to please people inside the camp. On today, I realized that I have been like a mouse on a wheel, spinning but remaining still. I allowed the "blind spot" to collide head on with my freedom and dismantle my destiny.

Don't let your "blind spot" cause you to prematurely crash into man made barriers of "people pleasing!"

Who are you exalting: man or God?

The Road to Redemption

As my academic journey draws closer to an end, I find myself subjected to the most random, evasive questions that back me into a corner of uncertainty. My vague responses give subtle hints that I have not fully tapped into the power of my "next move." I've listened carefully to everyone's feedback and taken it into consideration. However, I have not felt a tug on my heart into any desired pathway.

Honestly, I've not fallen in love with my course of studies and I have reservations about my options. I've patiently ingested the criticism offered by those who have tallied up my strengths and compared them against my weakness. I've entertained the calculated risks associated with current availabilities.

However, I can't accurately articulate (in the natural) what God is doing (in the spiritual realm), but my soul is awakening to supernatural possibilities that don't even exist at the moment. I am believing God for the impossible! I am believing that He will use my gifts as an instrument for his glory, regardless of where my feet land. I am believing God for "favor"- that David kind of anointing.

The favor that "slays" the giants of oppression, rejection and any lingering depression.
That favor that "grants" access to "missed opportunities" because man said, "I wasn't animated enough for the intended audience."
That favor that "dismantles" the enemy's weapons of attacks on the battlefield of my mind.

Whatever season you are walking through, just remember the enemy can not abort what God has ordained to live.

Your pain will subside.
Your wounds will heal.
Your scars won't be visible.

We've all heard the phrase, "New levels, new devils."( But victory belongs to Jesus!) WE WIN!!!

You endured the persecution.
You conquered the crushing.
You triumphed over the enemy's territory.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.-James 4:7

His Perfect Timing

"a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." -Ecclesiastes 3:6-8

My cousin promised the boys an early morning pool run which gave me some quiet time. Overhearing their excitement made my heart smile. It didn't take much to get their little, overactive, rambunctious engines roaring. All of a sudden, the minor inconveniences proved to be worth every minute of sacrifice. I loved seeing others happy! It filled my cup.

I dragged my feet to the lobby for breakfast and immediately got swallowed up by the crowd. I desperately needed to "recharge my battery" from the prior full day of cramming on last minute homework assignments.

I decided to" pause" and enjoy breakfast outdoors on the patio until the rain forced me back indoors. My feet longed to feel the sand beneath my toes one last time but the rain provided an immediate reality check. I felt tension swelling, my heart was torn between staying and leaving.

Responsibilities echoed from afar that forced me back down 95 South; but somehow, it felt like I was travelling backwards. The familiar landmarks didn't seem to align with my destiny. My abundance felt like an overhead "smoke screen" fading into clouds of disappointments. My flight felt like it had been cancelled in mid air.

The migraines, the anxiety, and the stress was actually "grief" in disguise. I mourned because my hands couldn't "fix" what was broken-- my loved ones' hearts. The overwhelming needs magnified my shortcomings. I was not the Messiah nor did I need to be. He had already paid the price on the cross, so it was time for me to stop trying to "hang myself" there for others.

One single teardrop brought forth such revelation: Stop setting yourself on fire to accommodate those who refuse to acknowledge" the light/freedom" that is available.

God has me in a "maintenance season" of pruning and uprooting. It doesn't feel good, but it's quite necessary!

What have you been "dragging" around that God has asked you to let go?
What are you "harboring" that inhibts your peace?
What are you" allowing" to drain your well?

Faith or Fear

On last night, my sleep was not restful. I tossed and turned for many hours. My mind housed a reservoir of "what-if" scenarios and overshadowed my ability to relax and be still. Wow! Was the residue of yesterday's lesson still lingering underneath my sweaty armpits? Was there a foul offense that I committed against someone that needed addressing before I closed my eyes? Was my actions in alignment with his word? Was his hands of forgiveness absent from my repentant heart?

As I gasped for air, I woke up in a panic! The temporary "brain fog" impaired my ability to discern whether this was a bad dream. I escaped the confines of my familiar dwelling searching for peace in the ocean view, but I continued to drown in doubt. However, this lack of refreshing sleep sent me probing underneath the covers desperate for answers. What was I missing? 

I grew insanely frustrated!

The "thorn in my flesh" was uncomfortable. It kept me sleep deprived. It kept me from reaching my full potential. It kept me buried underneath the sand in scorching heat. 

However, the more I wrestled with those covers, the more I began to realize the err of my ways. I was tired of sinking my own ship, but I was determined to be the captain! I insisted on sailing at my own speed, but God knew best. I could continue to navigate through the swamp of fear or I could fully surrender to him and sail peacefully to the promise land. 

Faith covers.

Faith protects.

Faith leads.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."-Isaiah 26:3

Is "faith or fear" on display in your life: in your words, your actions, and your deeds?

Are you trying to control the "script" or have you given him full access to write the story?

Does your peace abide in his truth?

Change The Narrative

I woke up to an amazing view this morning. A breath-taking backdrop of peace and serenity, blue skies draped over calming ripples of never-ending waves. The beach is my "happy place!"

The place that makes me "forget" about monotonous daily routines.
The place that allows me to "exhale," without judgmental stares.
The place that provides an "escape" from the continuity of chaos.

For a brief moment, my mind drifted back into an old familiar place, the "imprisoned cage" of constant criticism. I am a undercover," hotel snob." I rolled my eyes in slight disappointment as I inspected every square footage of the close quarters and how it failed to meet my desired expectations. When I travel with kids, I prefer lots of room! We were definitely in a tighter space, than "our norm." We only had one bathroom. There wasn't a full kitchen. We lacked separate bedrooms. The lamenting started to spill over into my morning ritual. I agonized about the tons of homework that I needed to complete. Here I was (on vacation), sitting at a laptop. The "lack" overpowered the luxury of "being present." God had made all the necessary provisions, but I insisted on grumbling like the Israelites. I inadvertently bought the distorted "Egypt mentality" to the oceanfront of opportunities that stood before me. My gratitude was swallowed up in the belly of selfishness.

How many times have we failed to acknowledge the beauty in "imperfections?"
How many times have we forfeited God's best to surrender to our own agendas?
How many times have we complained about being stretched beyond comfort?

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."- Colossians 3:17

God shifted my perspective and tossed the "lack" into the sea of forgiveness. Don't let the enemy whisper "sweet nothings" into your ear. Don't let the burden of perfection become a barrier that blocks God's blessing.

When the narrative changed, I jumped (feet first) into the water and the "flow" changed directions. The winds shifted. All of a sudden, the accommodations became more than enough. God enlarged my territory. He replaced my stained, ungrateful heart with a beautiful mosaic of gratitude. And I begin to rejoice under the sunny skies, making priceless memories with my family.

Live in peace.
Live in faith.
Live with gratitude.

The Company We Keep

God gave me a word recently that I thought would help someone else but instead it freed me from another level of bondage.

I felt flushed with unfulfillment.
I felt the spirit of heaviness rest on my temples.
I felt bombarded by “empty-handed freeloaders” who conveniently showed up on my doorstep.

The harder I worked to insert my “charitable heart” into their hands, the more I found myself emotionally bombarded by their chaos. My resources plummeted by the overwhelming needs. My internal pipes leaked. I insisted on drawing from my well but rarely took the necessary time to replenish my reserve.

I was stressed.
I was suffocating.
I was suffering (once again).

I opted out of anything that required too much attention, because I had emotionally checked out. Life became a mundane chore and everything irritated me.

The black, Hefty trash bags (full of stuff) in my apartment became an eyesore. My allocated space was filled to maximum capacity, yet I remained empty. Then, it dawned on me, “I had lived here before!” I no longer had “use” of the unnecessary stuff, just like the random toxic relationships that popped up unexpectedly on occasion.

My heart was no longer on display at the five and dime. It would no longer serve the needs of those in search of a revolving door, a back up plan, or a rebound.

The lies I told myself- forced me into a repetitive cycle of entertaining the same old stale energy. I had personally invited culprits in to invade, steal, and mishandle everything that was attached to me.

Be mindful of the unclean, unequally yoked spirits that you allow to just “kick it” in your intimate space.

If your joy, happiness, or peace comes up short, check your invitations.

Evict the bad vibes,
toxic energy,
and past memories.

Reclaim your portion.
Renew your peace.

“Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” -1 Corinthians 15:33

Are You Dressed to WIN?

Wouldn't it be great if we could lace up our shoe strings and hit the ground running without distractions, hiccups, or stumbles in our daily routine? However, we know, just as sure as we have a pulse, the "inevitable" will creep in (without invitation). The world urges us to prepare our hearts to "expect" the unexpected. But what does God say about it?

We expect to encounter a little rain on any given cloudy day.
We expect life to throw a "curve ball" or two to check our faithfulness on our post.

But what about those abrupt wind storms that catch us by surprise (without fair warning)?

Disappointments that show up by way of familiar faces?
Rejections that serve an immediate chin check?
Overwhelming sadness that punctures a lung during loss?

On Monday, my sister in Christ sounded the alarm and reminded me that we have to remain "suited up" and dressed for battle. (Don't allow the enemy to catch you by surprise!)

Ephesians 6:10, "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil schemes."

Somehow, I landed smack dab in the middle of an unexpected war zone. The enemy launched attacks from every direction, but little did I know at the time, I was ALREADY dressed to win!

"if we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us: if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself."-2 Timothy 2:11

Don't "bow out gracefully" at the first sign of attack.
Don't surrender prematurely.

PICK UP YOUR WEAPONS AND PREPARE FOR THE WIN!