Broken Fences

So it’s 1:09 am and my spirit is highly vexed. I just regained consciousness from a terrifying cold sweat. God summoned me in the wee hours of the morning to gain my undivided attention. It’s definitely a praying time. It appears he’s sounding the alarm to warn me that my fences have been infiltrated and there’s an enemy present within my camp. 

Somewhere between "lala land" and lucid conscious dreams, I woke up with a decapitated head in my lap, which appeared to be my own.

From what I gather in hindsight, it appears the nearby enemy made one clean slice across my throat (from behind) to silence me into submission. 

My ears have been bombarded with an avalanche of negativity to disrupt my peace and infect my harmony. As a result of continued avoidance, I suffered severe consequences. I abandoned my post right in the middle of a war zone.

The enemy posed as an ally and lured me into the wilderness. Once I willfully obliged in darkness, they taunted me with cat and mouse games. In one breath, they possessed angelic wings to earn my trust and in the next, they assumed evilness to disregard it.

My gullible naivety underestimated the thief that came to steal, kill and destroy. He came with a vast army of familiar faces to break my spirit and kill my morale. With every injury, he offered his helping hand and stabbed me in the back. He bandaged wounds that he caused, blindfolded my eyes and lead me deeper into the valley.

At the end of the journey, he celebrated his premature victory and revealed his face. He laughed hysterically as he pointed to the "broken fence." The place that I inadvertently failed to properly secure.

I unknowingly had invited him in through a small oversight. He gained entrance through my own negligence.

When he drew his sword and sliced my throat in broad daylight, he had no idea that God had made the necessary provisions.

Unbeknownst to me, the uniquely fitted helmet of salvation saved my life. When he made the cut, my head fell below the breastplate of righteousness because I refused to retaliate. 

When the helmet fell into my lap, I assumed that it was my head but God....

I rose from the attack unscathed.

You don’t have to "counterattack" when the enemy slithers onto your property. You don’t have to publicly rally for an alliance of supporters.    

God is not blind to the enemies’ schemes. He knows there is a Judas planted among your camp. He spotted the broken fence.

Do not be dismayed in times of distress and don’t let your faith waiver because he will always send the necessary help.

You will NOT suffer at the hands of the enemy in this season. You’ve had your fair share of "L’s" it’s time that you win.

This Little Light of Mine

"For only the light which we have kindled in ourselves can illuminate others." -Arthur Schopenhauer

In my unplanned absence, I've fantasized about these fingertips tapdancing on this keyboard to explore rhythms of my creative unknown (parts of me that others can't touch), with my shoulders draped in my favorite, cozy fleece throw, while enjoying a mug filled with my favorite Bigelow Salted Carmel Tea topped off with a splash of Almond Milk. Don't judge me! It's an acquired taste (to say the least). As I draw closer to another birthday, "simplicity" consumes my heart with overwhelming joy! I don't need a lavish "forty plus" vacation to tickle my fancy. Give me a "real day" off---without phone service, social media, or human contact. I could use an isolated day or two (off the grid) in solace to fully recharge. Even though I grew some social wings over the summer, I'm still a die hard i-n-t-r-o-v-e-r-t! God's work is still in progress!

For the most part, my time has been claimed by the rigorous demands of work, school, grandma duties, and helping with my aging parents. I'm not complaining about the "busyness of life" in itself; but most days, I'm caught off guard as the responsibilities tend to outweigh the hours in the day. So I've been forced to turn a "blind eye" to my laptop sitting by the front door, books in progress, my self-care routine, and social outings. Finding time to blog has been like looking for spare change in my car, non-existent.

I fell short! Even after becoming newly acquainted with the "Do Not Disturb" feature on my cell phone, I simply couldn't "compete" with the demands required for my time and attention. "They" still find me (hiding under my secret rock) through other avenues to attend to their emergency, crisis or paper cut.

Most days, I've gathered just enough energy to do what's required and not an ounce more. My outward lifestyle began reflecting the inner neglect. I was chasing deadlines, expectations and a check that wasn't getting me very far. I went from surviving to living in the grind---exhausted!

I found myself building a wall around my frame. My rationale said that I needed time and space to process emotions without the unsolicited opinions, biases and judgments. Arms length was way too close for the surrounding dysfunction that I faced on a daily basis. I witnessed things that I dare not discuss.

In a moment of desperation, I cried out to God for clarity.

I knew without a shadow of doubt that my hands were graced with a gift to tell a story---.my story, but my pilot light kept going out.

But why?

I assumed that I kept enough in my reserve tank  for difficult moments.

Obviously, not so.

My light began to flicker every time I said yes to something that God never intended me to be attached. It flickered every time I put one foot in front of the other to participate in something that drained my energy. It flickered with every toxic relationship. It flickered every time that I held my breath, so that others could breathe easily.

Your light is your power.
Your light is your source.
Your light is your strength.

"the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." --John 1:5

Going forth, I will be intentional to protect "This little light of mine" and I pray that God will give me the perseverance to let it shine.

Don't let the enemy dim your light, dull your shine and dampen your flame.
Your heartbeat indicates that your work is not done.

Follow the light for HE  knows the way.

Displaced Idiosyncrasies

“Resolve to be thyself; and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.” —Matthew Arnold

So as the days draw closer to my birthday, I’ve found myself in a rather nonchalant mood. My inner peace had become estranged by the subtle background noise that has claimed pieces of my easy-going temperament. To put it bluntly, I’ve just about reached my limits of dysfunctional joint connections!

When my body engages in “stressors,” either of two things happen: I eat or shut down. Recently, I’ve become too familiar with both. My sour disposition has been the direct result of failed rescue attempts and unsuccessful interventions. I’ve continually overextended myself, leaving very little behind for my disposal. I’ve managed to abandon my goals to make myself available for others— those that have already decided that they don’t want my help because they haven’t even acknowledged that they needed it. In turn, my “perceived failure” forced me to realize that I’m trying way too hard! I’ve unsuccessfully tried to climb mountains to “rescue” people that kept moving further up rocky terrain, away from my clutches.

The repeated cycles of exhaustion have triggered physical warnings to my body via frequent migraines that it’s time to quit!

I undoubtedly removed the dressings from my wounds to bandage others. Others, who have freely decided, that they would rather hold tight to their afflictions. I’ve subconsciously mastered becoming the martyr at my own expense.

I entertained demons that were not my own.
I carried burdens that weighed me down.
I tried to save people that were committed to drowning by their own bloodshed.

In desperation, I lashed out in a self-sabotaging, familiar ritual by cutting the roots of everything that’s grown within my immediate vicinity. In fact, I shaved my head in an act of public submission to live out my bitter grievances. My body often serves  as the “blank canvas” in which I openly express my raging emotions—good or bad.

This “epic failure” was way too overwhelming for my dedicated nature to silently contain and
my loyalty forced me to stay confined longer than I ever intended. My energy unraveled from the seams of restlessness coupled with an anxiety tonic.

My burst of anger showed up as eloquent rage! A walking, bold, controversial statement screaming curse words (that I couldn’t allow to escape my mouth), accompanied by a glaring look that snapped, because it’s mine and I can cut it, weave it, or do whatever I like, unapologetically (whenever people questioned my free will).

Eloquent or displaced?

Only God knows the “creative root” of this eccentricity.

Remember: Don’t judge public actions without examining the private reasoning.

Emotional Hoader

My relationship with God has been somewhat peculiar to say the least. Trying to make sense of life's "mayhem" apart from him can leave you discombobulated and blue in the face. Gasping for air in the cracks of uncertainty, I found myself reaching for answers in the surrounding toxic air.

For over two decades, anytime exhaustion settled in, I found myself on the couch curled up in the fetal position with a white blanket. My attempts to swaddle myself and suffocate the pain from my heart’s memory bank were always unsuccessful. My morning routine of affirmations landed on deaf ears.

God’s armor felt too big for my britches. I subconsciously blamed my childhood family dynamics for not being prepared to stand unmoved in the fight. There wasn’t anyone available to lead; therefore, I skipped basic training. The sword felt bigger than my hands could rightfully hold. The enemy poked holes in my helmet, so I experienced headshots during attacks. I kept walking out of my ill-fitting, secondhand shoes. We couldn’t afford a belt, so I made do with rigged up safety pins. My breastplate was nothing more than a recycled, remnant of fabric materials. My shield was an old piece of plywood that was missing from the old wooden floor of my grandma’s sitting room.

I was ashamed that my foundation required patching up. The visible wear and tear required regular maintenance. The leaking roof sent the five-gallon buckets into a constant flood of tears at the threat of inclement weather. The awnings shook forcefully with high winds. My dwelling was an eye sore in direct violation of God’s word. His promises were filtered through unreliable past experiences, brought to life each day that I refused to let go. Trauma, loss and pain that I couldn’t depart with. It was my home of familiarity in the unknown of darkness.

As I stood in the back yard and my eyes scanned the debris, I realized I made a home out of the left overs. I had stuffed, piled, and stored outdated things that no longer fit. I was an emotional hoarder. I made use of things that others discarded. I found value in restoration. I found security in physical abundance. It was my distorted escape from the poverty mindset of lack! It was the reason my drawers, closets and shelves remained packed beyond capacity. It was traditional dysfunction recycling unhealed wounds.

Spiritual warfare can manifest over the years by keeping you attached to an umbilical cord of demonic oppression. Know when it’s time to cut the cord. My Pastor said in service on yesterday, “You can’t give away what you refuse to conquer.”

Today, I’m “intentionally” giving away everything that no longer serves me. I’m packing up fear, doubt, defeat, anxiety, worry, shame, guilt and returning it to the pit of darkness from which it came.

Search your space for anything that needs to be replaced, repaired or rebuilt.

Toss those things that doesn’t bring you peace, joy and LOVE.

Favor Ain't Fair

Social media created a new phenomenon with "it’s complicated" relationship status on Facebook.

 I guess the hype serves notice to the "friends list" that this is not the platform to publicly display significant others and that keeping personal business off social media may be beneficial.

 I'm still guessing....

Maybe "it's complicated" is a testament to the uncertainty of claiming someone that may not "claim" you in return.

 If both are wrong, then please spare me the embarrassment; because I'm the one that relies solely on Google to decipher some of these abbreviations just to "comprehend" what's on some people's mind.

Or just maybe...there are a lot of representations of "soul ties" surfing the net. I’m not sure!

Who am I to judge, when my “love life” trumps nonexistent?

Recently, I’ve read an influx of posts on social media that screamed at my spirit (in all caps) with the caption that "FAVOR AIN’T FAIR" followed by lavish engagement announcements, cozy couple getaways or happy family moments.

In my trying moments, I "wondered" if God was withholding his "favor" from me because I committed some heinous unforgivable act of sin.

Did I fail to repent daily for my shortcomings?

Did I straddle the fence of uncertainty with prolonged fear, doubt and disobedience?

Did I outright miss the mark?

Some days, I felt down right short changed. I made a life out of striving, reaching and aspiring to be better but was I better?

My most memorable moments in life didn’t show up by way of a man making me a top priority, so I found myself overcompensating for that lack. In relationships, I became the martyr. I ALWAYS gave to the point of no return. Then in turn, I felt so resentful that I barely had anything left to give to self. As the relationships changed, I remained the common denominator. The results were the same even though the faces were different. My dysfunction became a magnet for other dysfunction that grew into toxic relationships of brokenness.

Needless to say, I've never been anyone's WCW. Is that even a noteworthy accolade for future aspirations? lol

So as they say, "favor ain’t fair"; huh?

That statement required me to do some serious soul searching and dig in my own fruit bed. I wasn't bitter but I felt cheated in so many ways that I tried to out give others. I outsourced my love, my help, my joy and my peace on several dead-ends streets. God never intended for me to bargain my goods in the alley way of desperation but that’s where I always ended.

After spending sometime in a series of Bible Studies that forced me to shed the veil, I’m learning more about God’s real favor. In what seemed to be the most lonely, tumultuous times, God was always there. He never left my side. Through every storm, his faithfulness proved to be true.

Now when the children of God proclaim, "Favor ain’t fair."

 I get it.

I witness it.

I live it.

My "relationship" with God isn't complicated. It doesn't have to be concealed. It doesn't come with a ton of stipulations. I don't have to earn his love and I definitely can't out give Him. It feels nice to know that his love is never one-sided. This revelation is worth every season of loneliness I navigated to get here on today. Be patient. God sees you and he will reward your faithfulness in due time.

This side of favor, is where we both belong!

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” -Isaiah 58:11

Addicted to the Struggle

Once I fell back in "lust" with carbs, I secretly watched as my physical health spiraled out of control. In public, I ate according to the desired social setting. In the presence of health conscious friends, my plate reflected their healthier options to escape judgment. However, in the company of others, we ate till oblivion or the "itis" set in. I was the "queen of adaptation," so this was no different.

 I was a survivor, a recovering food addict, a chameleon in complete disguise, not to deceive others but to conceal my truth. I was out of control and very few noticed because my conversations reflected such positive vibes. The mastery of deflection at work. My supportive nature became an escape. It was my defense mechanism to avoid the hard conversations about what was happening behind closed doors with me.

Somehow, unknowingly, I re-invited that energy back into my space and I couldn't get rid of it.

No one knew that I was "addicted to the struggle" again.

I treated food like a "sedative." It temporarily numbed the pain, filled the voids and it was pleasurable. "Bread" was my main drug of choice cause it didn't take much to get you there. Where? Sleep! Sleep became my double-edge sword. It was my antidote and avoidance all into one.

On Sunday morning, Pastor Richard said, "Ignoring the devil won't send him away!" I felt like a deer caught in headlights.

I was very guilty of ignoring my struggle. It felt like an unavoidable, hereditary generational curse that adhered to my bloodline. I couldn't manage to escape "it"  for more than a year at a time without relapsing.

Somewhere between the repeated spiritual warfare, I had dropped my weapons once again. I wasn't being proactive in the fight. Somehow, I changed my stance without knowledge. My spiritual posture shifted and I was out of alignment with God's word.

I allowed the enemy to lure me back into the wilderness with my Pharisees attitude in tact. I wasn't a babe in Christ so surely I couldn't possibly get lost! Certainly, I knew the way. Wasn't I following the Most High's GPS? But why wasn't I going the "right" way? How did I detour again? Here I was back lost and grumbling like the Israelites once again.

BUT not for long...….I'm speaking to this mountain and believing by faith that it will flee.

Don't let your wilderness experience rob you of God's promises. Even though, your flesh maybe addicted to the struggle, follow your heart. It already knows the way. God is a man that he would not lie.

 He wants you healed, whole and in good health.

Make space for your healing and forfeit the struggle. Your victory has already been secured.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."--Psalm 34:19

Arm’s Length

Make space for your healing without compromising divine appointments.

In hindsight, sometimes I complain about “juggling roles” because it gets overwhelming, but I overheard my mentor share a profound statement with a group of ladies. She said she only gets burned out whenever she doesn’t allow God to make the necessary provisions for her schedule. I’m not exactly sure what that looks like for her but it made me think about my own lack of time management. It seems as if I’m always on borrowed time cause I unintentionally mismanage mine.

By now, everyone has heard the record spin a thousand times bout my introverted personality. I take staying in my own lane to a whole other level; so much so, that recently God has been tugging at my heart on the matter. Now there are some people that I have to unapologetically keep at arm’s length because their energy weighs me down. I’m simply not strong enough to carry their burdens, but I try to tactfully remind them of who can in good faith.

However, God has been breaking the mold of my introverted, inwardly ways though. Sunday, I heard my Pastor share about how we become unknowingly passive with God. Uh oh, he was on my row! I thought I was becoming increasingly bored with the repetition of a routine and here he was stirring in my pot. Out of a fear of becoming hurt, I’ve always chose to keep people at arm’s length but I didn’t realize that I was keeping God at that same distance. Truthfully, my mouth and my heart were at complete odds.

Every time I get complacent, God kicks it up a notch.

Following church, I went home and started carving out new weekly goals. There was an added charge on my life. I needed to get pass the excuses. Fear still had me bound in some areas and God was exposing my crap for what is was-worthless!

I keep thinking back over those divine appointments I had to be missing because I was consumed with trying to make this a perfect journey instead of a progressive one. I’d heard so many complaints in life that I became a self-centered, punching back. I took daily shots at my self esteem. I was disabled because I allowed condemnation to cripple me.

I secretly refuted God’s truth with my narrow minded beliefs. I ignored his call because I allowed the enemy to seduce me with his lies. Every time, I experienced a major breakthrough I self-sabotaged because I was scared to take the next step. It was much easier to witness everyone around me give birth. My joy would come from watching them birth their destiny and launch out into the deep. Being a midwife felt safe because it didn’t require me to change positions. I could stay nested in the cut until someone summoned me. If they didn’t solicit my help, I wouldn’t oblige. It was a win win—well, until I arrived at Bible Study today.

I walked in on another charge. My self-righteous attitude caused me to make excuses and ignore people and their needs. It pains me to admit this but I didn’t care to be inconvenienced by anyone’s issues. My excuse was that my load was already heavy. I still carried baggage that God told me to put down.

Instead of numbing the pain of this awareness with a huge, plate of guilt laden carbs, I made an executive decision to step out the way. I enjoyed lunch with a group of intercessors that came to the table with lots of grace, mercy and love. Pastor Spivey charged us all to put our faith on display and we did just that for each other and I pray that we continue to do that as we encounter others.

“Arm’s length” may prove to be a safe distance from some people but is it the ordained place by God?

Big Chop

"Every woman that finally figured out her worth has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change."  -Shannon L. Alder

During a recent family vacation, I spent some much needed quality time with my love, my grandson. It grieved my spirit a little, realizing he's no longer the little innocent baby that I get to hover over as an overprotective grandma. Unfortunately, unavoidable life circumstances striped me of the privileges of being an instrumental key influence in his life. Rather than succumbing to the wailing tears, I chose to "live in the moment" and enjoy the special allotted time with him.

My phone wasn't a priority and social media wasn't a distraction. I freely chose to surrender my cell phone in a locker at the Water Park so that he could have all of me. He did just that. I'm sure he called Nana a few dozen times. Every time he took a plunge down a new slide, he wanted to make sure that I witnessed his leap of courage. He claimed my undivided attention and we both enjoyed every moment. We probably could've stayed on the beach till sunset but I felt it necessary to end our day to ensure that he was hydrated and fed. I'm sure neither of us wanted to end those cherished moments and head back to reality. Leaving the oceanfront meant we were one day closer to coming home and our paths would be separated once again.

Once we settled back into the room, I looked in the mirror with a defeated countenance. The day was perfect but the reality was unavoidable--it would soon end. Generational curses left a horrible stench in the air and I felt helpless. My arms seemed too short to reach him. My prayers felt stagnant. I could literally feel the wind being sucked from my airways. 

With blood-filled rage escaping my temples, I lunged for the kitchen digging for a weapon. I grabbed the dull shears and commenced to cutting my hair like a deranged mad woman. Those relaxed tresses, weighed down with old hair products and flat iron residue was definitely not me. The outer shell didn't reflect the inner me. I was really bold and unashamed but I kept trying to water "me" down to appear civil and polished. I tried to make this neat little package my reality but it wasn't my story!  I wasn't afraid to take risks and I had stepped out on faith with much less. This was nothing new. I really didn't care what others would say because I never was the type to entertain an audience.

This trip opened some doors that had been closed for years. This was like my third "big chop" and while others might have viewed this as an indecisive phase of hair cutting, it really wasn't about hair at all. It was about peeling back another layer of freedom--exposing a newfound liberating moment of self-discovery. Life taught me at an early age not to get too attached to anything and hair wasn't any different.

 It's always been easier to let go than hold on..... 

Walking out the bathroom with those relaxed strands  in my hand meant the final death of so many things.

 It meant that nothing or no one outside of God would control me any longer. 

It meant that I would no longer sit at the table, but I would have a voice at the table.

 It was my unapologetic "NO" without explanation. 

It was my way of living life aloud.

 It was a complete act of submission for this new upcoming season of obedience to God. 

I can't change anyone's heart.

 I won't force fit myself into anyone's life.

I refuse to live life on anyone's terms.

As I "unpack" my suitcase of past hurts, bad memories and self-sabotaging behaviors, I cast out pride, shame and guilt into the sea of forgiveness.

Time is long overdue to soar. 

The chicken coop is not where you belong. 

Cut down the barbed wire and LET FREEDOM ring.

Judgement Day

"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken." Matthew 12:36

I encountered a few annoying things, on yesterday, that grabbed my attention and kind of soured my overall mood.

First, I witnessed someone extend an overwhelming amount of patience and consistency as they were hit with a "double whammy" simultaneously. Well, I'm sure it was nothing out of the ordinary for their daily ministerial routine because they were just flowing gracefully in their gift. My head hurt just imagining having to deal with something like that on a consistent basis. There was just no way that I could see myself being equipped for this call but their smooth execution silenced the firecrackers that exploded in my head as I offered invisible kudos to a job well done. Shadowing people in ministry gives you a different level of appreciation for the assignments that extends far beyond normal business hours. The need is definitely great!

After being in that environment, I felt drained of all compassion, empathy and patience. My morale dwindled as I thought about being exposed to challenging personalities. Funny, I've always considered myself to be a voice for the "underdog," but yet exercised such great criticism when it came to the intense challenges. I thought about "attitudes" that I'd encounter along the way that forced me to quit! In other words, I refused to share space with anyone that forced me to stretch beyond my critical perimeters. It annoyed me to see others give up on the difficult ones, but here I was guilty as charged and mentally checked out. My flesh didn't want to be inconvenienced. Seeing the need came with the accountability to serve and well ignoring it was the selfish, easier route.

Genuinely "showing up" for others is time consuming, messy and inconvenient. It's not the coveted, highlight of ministry that gains much recognition but a simple "I SEE YOU" can truly transform a person's trajectory.

As I sat reevaluating my day, I thought about all the "divine appointments" that I forfeited in disobedience. Then something I heard at noon Bible Study rang in my spirit, "Many glance but everyone doesn't grab."

Was I walking through life satisfied with glancing and judging?
Was I showing up in observation mood?
Did I encounter the needs, analyze the conditions but failed to direct the afflicted to the Healer?

We're quick to "judge" people's physical actions without knowing the inner conditions of their heart. But it costs nothing to be kind to people! Everyone that needs help won't show up as a panhandler with an obvious sign, begging for mercy. Some are the quiet, unnoticed ones that sit beside you every week that are dying on the inside.

How can we do ministry without being in position to serve?

Be spiritually proactive and meet people where they are on this journey.

Some will require you to dig in the trenches and get your hands dirty.

"And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day." John 6:39

What will God say about your "service" on Judgement Day?

What's Hindering Your Service?

Yesterday, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions that moved me to invisible tears--more specifically, some inner major highs and lows in the same setting. However, I just couldn't allow the tears to fall in God's presence with all that he's been doing in my life.

 Surely, any trace of "sadness" in this season would be a flat out sign of disrespect-a slap in the face in exchange for his blessings.

For a moment, I was elated about the sacrifices that I'd made over that last year that finally produced some tangible results. Then a temporary moment of "loneliness" overshadowed my win. I sat on the couch, physically dressed and ready to go somewhere--anywhere. But I couldn't think of one person to celebrate with and furthermore; what exactly was I celebrating?

 In short, the answer was life! I had a few "unapologetic wins" under my belt but that felt foreign. Honestly, I was "scared" to celebrate. What if this "spiritual high" was short lived? What if my celebratory mood enticed the enemy to wage some new level of spiritual warfare and snatch my happiness from under me?

I mean.... how many people do we encounter, surfing the mountaintop for no particular reason,
who are feeling "themselves"( just because), who can look past the "struggles in progress" with a grateful heart and humbly strut their stuff ? (Giving all bragging rights to God)

Instantly, I started to conjure up "graveyard memories" of self-doubt, pity and even regret! God didn't allow that to last long though. I wasn't about to let the enemy hijack my overall mood. I wouldn't dare let him take me further than I wanted to go. I had learned some lessons that weren't worth repeating. I wasn't an easy prey in this season because I recognized the old game for what it was---tired & weak!

After meeting a friend for a quick outing, I headed back home with the prior sense of heaviness. I subconsciously sabotaged our fellowship with a famine (lack) spirit. I went expecting to testify to all the miracles I'd witnessed firsthand and to fest on God's goodness but became distracted by my drug of choice--food. Succumbing to appease the flesh meant I ordered the biggest steak, gorged on carbs and ate till sleep oblivion fell fresh. My emotions were on double minded overload-- a battle of good and bad, a battle of positive and negative, a picture perfect scene of a devil resting on one shoulder and an angel on the opposite one.

Back to the couch and a brief stint of Netflix, sleep won an early night battle. The steak had me thoroughly sedated until the wee hours of the morning. I woke up from a deep, hot sweat. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn't believe this dream! A picture of me standing boldly with my hands on my hips yelling at God, like I had lost my mind. God was whipping my tail; but like a hot headed fool, I wouldn't back down. I didn't even know that I was harboring bitterness and resentfulness towards anyone.

And for crying out loud, why would I be angry at God? Surely, my struggles weren't his fault.

Somehow, despite all the "good," that was surrounding me, I was grateful but not satisfied.

I was "lowkey" angry because I didn't genuinely believe in his "gift"

I screamed, jumped and shouted bout "birthing my gift publically" but nursed my unbelief at home and privately disowned it. I just couldn't find time to "produce" because my plate was full. Not to mention, I had a list of shortcomings that outweighed any possibility of  future God given "talent."

I wasn't prepared.
I wasn't equipped.
I wasn't the best candidate to execute the assignment.
I wasn't well received.

Even though, I overcame some obstacles, trampled over some barriers; but now.....I was "in the way!"

We all know the Parable of the Talents" in Matthew 25:14-30. (Lesson Learned)

Don't be like the fearful man that was judged for his selfishness.

In fact, we should never make excuses to avoid doing what God calls us to do. Our resources aren't our own; so we should never squander, hoard, abuse ,ignore or neglect that which God trusts us with.

Remember God rewards faithfulness. Those who bear no fruit can't expect to reap the full benefits of His glory.

Self Reflection:

What is hindering your service to him?

What's hindering your wholeness?

What's hindering your limbs from bearing fruit?

Don't "you" be the cause of your own disobedience.

Get your hips out the way and SERVE FAITHFULLY already!

Help is On The Way

People are navigating through some pretty difficult storms that will leave a lump in your throat the size of a golf ball. In the past few weeks, I've read numerous heart felt local stories of tragedies, loss, and sickness on social media whereas family members have reached out for support, encouragement, financial donations and/or prayers.

My heart collided with their grief as I imagined myself being in their shoes. I literally felt the sense of urgency for everyone, as they sat patiently waiting for overwhelming needs to be met. My heart ached in further contempt--frustrated that my bank account didn't yield enough commas to make it happen for everyone with legitimate needs. Many times, I would have to log off and just pray that God would touch the right hearts and that "giving" would not be a financial burden to the ones that were able/willing to be a blessing.

I'm no stranger to crisis. (We've all been there a time or two.) I know what it feels like to gain just enough courage to crucify the flesh (pride) and ask for help. I also know what it feels like to ask and have those unanswered petitions go unheard by the masses. How soon do we forget that sometimes people just don't have it to give but God is not bankrupt. He has not fallen off the throne. We have not because, sometimes we just ask the wrong one!

I came bye to encourage your hearts on today. If there is an "unmet need" in your household, don't feel slighted by the ones that don't genuinely have to give. I can testify that God will make the necessary provisions with that same ole mustard seed faith that people have been talking about for Ages.

So what are you believing and trusting God for in this season?

Well, there have been several pressing issues that I tried to resolve behind closed doors for years to no avail. For a long time, I didn't understand that I used the wrong set of muscles to move the mountains. I kept justifying my actions by scripture too. "Faith without works" is dead; so I moved and moved, but the mountains didn't bulge.

However, let me say that God really did send some strangers to be more than kind to me on multiple occasions--back to back. Needless to say, I'm not bragging on them but I'm bragging on the God that touched their hearts and saw something in me that I couldn't even acknowledge in myself. Some didn't offer a monetary donation, but they bombarded heaven wholeheartedly every time I came into their presence. They prayed for me, when I couldn't even muster up the strength to pray for myself. They called me down from the mountain and showed me a better way. They showed me how to suit up in His armor and war for myself. They showed me how to stop waging war on self and fight against the real enemy. They showed me that with the correct posture, patience and preserverance that dreams do come true (if you have the faith to believe).

Once one door opened, the windows couldn't even contain the blessings that started to overflow. I started to walk through a miraculous season of miracles, signs and wonders. Trust me, I'm not bragging because I'm not in a perfect season, but I'm humbled and grateful that what I perceived as "rejection was actually redirection." He positioned my steps to be in the right place at the right time. He didn't come to my aid while I was still wondering aimlessly in the wilderness because truth be told--I would've missed the opportunity. I would've forfeited his promises cause I falsely assumed that I was a rightful heir of a lifetime of suffering in the pit.

I grieved and mourned in the valley, alone for years with torn, dingy, dirty clothes underneath my perfectly positioned veil. Whenever people tried to reach me, I denied them access. I was embarrassed that the self- inflicted wounds had become amputations of dry bones that no longer fit.

But God said call those things that be not as though they were....

"Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it. "This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live." So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet--a vast army." Ezekiel 37:9-10

And so it goes without saying, that "she" now lives on looking forward to all that is on the way.

Don't let the enemy convince you that the promises aren't still good cause the "Helper" is on the way.

Sold Out

"Loyalty isn't straddling the fence of uncertainty. It's the fundamental building blocks of integrity that speaks the loudest without the presence of words."

I don't know the exact origin of the phrase, "loyalty over everything," but I know it sounds the alarm for many, like me, with a proven record of trust issues. I like to think that I'm a fairly easygoing, gentle spirit but I've had my share of mishaps. My social awkwardness has a history of rubbing people the wrong way on occasion. I have a heart of gold but I'm not big on "small talk," so people insist that it's difficult to read my energy. I disagree wholeheartedly! People that take the time to get to know me understand that there's a bubbly extrovert lying beneath the surface just waiting to exhale.

But loyalty, well that's a non-negotiable prerequisite for being in my space. My heart can't tolerate any less. I understand that my energy isn't welcomed by everyone and I've hit several access denied portals in the form of invitations that got lost in the mail, ignored friend requests, or smiles that tuned upside down when I walked in the room.

I can be so misunderstood at times. Talk about the "pink elephant" that goes completely unnoticed.

What about you?

Do people have some false preconceived notion about your character?

Do people single you out cause your fruit doesn't resemble theirs?

Have people thrown you "under the bus" for being different?

This was the second night of revival and the message, "The Price Tag for Purpose" had me feeling some kind of way. Here we were continuing with Joseph's story in Genesis and how his brothers plotted to kill him out of jealousy. I guess it's safe to assume that there must have been something awfully extraordinary under that coat that ignited such hatred.

The Pastor walked us through some of the measures his brothers took to orchestrate his demise. Yes, his brothers! The enemy seems to use those closest to our hearts to execute our downfall.

Joseph's story opened up some past unhealed emotional wounds that brought back some difficult memories.

A time that my character was brutally assassinated on a jury trial because I was thrown into a civil lawsuit as an heir of some personal property that became a complete ambush of greed.

A time that I became a target of a family member's selfish scheme to defraud a judicial system into granting them a free pass to lie and get away with it. (at my expense).

A time when I gave my love freely, despite the cost and got penalized for giving in the end.

I thought about my story, my pain, my struggles and my battle scars but I no longer felt like a victim.

I lost a lot of good relationships; because somehow no matter how much I managed to mind my own business, I became a moving target. Every time I attempted to do well, evil followed.

I can only imagine Joseph's pain and the rejection that he felt. I can imagine that he felt like he got a raw deal for being such a dreamer. And to add insult to injury, he suffered as an innocent man more than once. Isn’t that just like life, to knock you down to your knees on multiple occasions?

Thank God that despite the afflictions, the trials and tribulations that our seasons change.

The Pastor also noted that Joseph honored God during all of his seasons, no matter what.

You see, FREEDOM, it will cost you.

Joseph didn't get to skip the pit before he moved into the palace. He didn't get to reroute his enslaved journey. He didn't get the luxury to chose the good and leave the bad. He had to pay the price to get to the promise.

I know you think you were robbed of your birthright.

I know you think you missed your opportunity.

I know you think the pain will never cease.

BUT stop pitching your tent among the "naysayers" and stop feeding the doubt.

You no longer have to fight to restore your reputation.

You don't have to fight for the land.

Your promise wasn't forfeited in the fight.

When the enemy sold you out,

God bought you at a price.

"Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story--those he redeemed from the hand of the foe." Psalm 107:2
                                                                                                                                 

The Call

"From the withered tree a flower blooms." -Proverb

Around the halfway mark of every year, it never fails. A few goals start feeling out of reach, a little dust of boredom settles in and the finish line seems further away than on yesterday. If you're anything like me, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of looking ahead of God's timing with a teardrop of frustration. The sweet agony of "waiting" can be quite the challenge. My head comprehends, "patience is virtue" but trying to convince my heart that God has not forgot...well that is a "continuous work in progress!"

When our seasons change and we've conquered our fair share of storms, we're immediately ready to harvest a crop but how soon do we forget that  a "seed" doesn't bloom overnight? Not matter how much sun exposure, fertilizing or watering, it's still a process. Life is just like germination. Every step is equally as important to insure that you have a viable, healthy plant. In fact, if all the favorable conditions are met, we "expect" a beautiful flower to boom--the fruit of our labor.

Well, what about you?

Are you blooming where you are planted?

What are you producing?

Have you "inspected" your own fruit?

Over the last couple of months, I've been in God's face more so, regarding his purpose for my life, almost feeling like I'm just about running out of time to contribute anything meaningful. However, just when I was about to travel down that dead-end road once again, God sent a Rhema word during the start of revival on this week. 

I heard the Pastor say, "Attached to your purpose is a call." I know that doesn't sound too profound but I knew God was about to get me all the way together with my stinking thinking. I fumbled through my purse for a pen and shifted in my seat cause I knew this was about to get deep. (Whenever God shows up, revelation always follows.) 

As we explored the very, familiar story of Joseph in Genesis 37:1-5, The Pastor went on to add that Joseph's call was different than the others and that he was handpicked by God. He wasn't exempt from problems due to" the call" but his circumstances didn't change his call either. 

Just like Joseph, God is calling you to fulfill your unique purpose as well. You have been equipped for the call. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart."-Jeremiah 1:5

I know "they" threw you in the pit cause you didn't fit their desired expectations.  

I know "they" laughed at your dreams. 

I know "they" sold you out.

"And we know that in all things  God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28

As the Pastor added, "The coat covers the call on your life but have you received your coat?"

Night One of revival reassures me that my seed is on schedule, what about yours?

Not too early,

not too late,

but in "perfect timing" for Him to cultivate.

(Taken from revival notes of Chosen: Called & Covered - K. Spivey)

Will You Go?

"Our storms shouldn't impede our journey because "our faith" is the way maker."

                                                                                                      -A Daily Dose of Freedom

Lord, where has the time gone?

My short hiatus hasn't been the result of back sliding to the wilderness or secretly struggling with strongholds in the privacy of my four walls. God intentionally placed me in a secluded place to do some serious soul searching. To get my head on straight and understand this "purpose" thing a bit more.

You see for years, I've sat on the sidelines, nurturing "unworthiness." I spoon fed the doubt, insecurities and fears that the enemy planted in my spirit. (Trust me, what you feed will definitely grow)! And boy did it grow!

When I mustered up enough strength to peek my head outside of my confined box, rejection tried to steal God's plans for my life. In my mind, I wasn't the "ideal" warrior. I didn't belong in the fight. I didn't look the part, act the part or have that something special so I "played my position" in the background. "Attention" is an uncomfortable place for me. ( It's my thorn that resembles Paul's). I simply don't like the spotlight. Guess that's why I've always avoided "active duty" in ministry. Surely, God would never equip me for the frontline. I've always been the advocate for the "underdog," because early child servanthood taught me that it's unselfish to fight for others; while yet, turning the other cheek to my own battle scars.

But at some point, you gotta find the courage in God to boldly stand and let the enemy know that you will not be bullied into submission by force. You literally gotta pick up the sword (the word of God) and start swinging for dear life. I refuse to spiritually die, while laying on my back with breath in my body. So I spent the month of June, swinging on the enemy. And the fact that I'm still standing should explain how that went. 

And let's face it--sometimes we call it "quits"way too soon! We lose the battle prematurely cause we never gained the courage to endure till the end. Well, obviously this is not my ending and it's safe to assume it's not yours either, if you are reading this. 

When I started this blog, I wasn't fully prepared for the critics, the shared transparency or exposure of my innermost vulnerabilities. Sometimes, I would get so lost into my words that I would have to wholeheartedly seek God's face to ensure that I wasn't navigating outside of His permissive will. Then doubt kicked into overdrive as I encountered others that were better writers and those that God called to share their hearts with more experience than me. So I questioned the call, my gift, and my purpose in Him! I begin to retreat to the background and shut down. I figured if I would just "ignore it,"  then maybe "it" would go quietly away. Funny, "it" never did....the "hunger" grew stronger despite my reluctancy to feed it.

This morning as I rolled out of bed, I felt a bit sleep deprived and uninterested in adhering to any realistic expectations of time management. In other words, I didn't care about all the glitz and glam of picking out a cute outfit, doing my makeup or matching shoes with purses. I didn't even care if I made it to church on time, as long as I made it there safely. I really wasn't in a hurry to do anything this morning. I wasn't moping around but I wasn't fully charged with an automatic praise of worship either.

I downed a shake for breakfast, popped a handful of multivitamins and proceeded to head out the door. As I drove to my destination, with worship music playing softly in the background, conviction set in. Here I was, on my way to worship, acting like God hadn't being moving in my life. Everything about me was different. My season had indeed changed. I wasn't defeated, broken down and barely making it. I wasn't moved by the winds. The storms no longer sent me trembling under the covers of defeat. My faith was finally rooted. But my "passion" was starving cause I was still entertaining the doubt on occasion.

When I reached my destination, a sense of brokenness and heaviness broke out. I wasn't about to forfeit this fight though, cause I'd been alone with God, studying about Spiritual Warfare and I wasn't scared to travail. I cast down every spiritual wickedness in high places through the power and authority of God and came out unscathed. 

God is so on point. How befitting that the message on today was "Water Walker." It almost felt like I was in a dream. Who knew that God would be so kind to send this local Pastor, my friend and mentor to speak to my spirit with such a timely word? I won't give her nuggets away but my spirit man leaped out the boat of my comfort zone and began to walk on the water right there, on the spot. I felt free. I felt like I was dancing on the water for the first time in a long time.

What has God commissioned you to do in this season, but you've allowed your fears to starve your dreams?

Imagine who is suffering due to your disobedience.

Why would you ever intentionally stifle God's gifts and abort His purpose for your life?

I will leave you with this by Pastor Keisha Spivey, "Why does the wind determine your when?"

God has already sanctioned the call, what is your response? 

WILL YOU GO?

I Almost Quit

For the last couple of months, everything that could’ve gone wrong--did go wrong! For the most part, I tried to remain optimistic through the trials. I can’t say that I passed every test with flying colors because I did have some weak moments and a few, derogatory choice words extinguished my peace on frequent occasions. As I drowned hopelessly in a river of complaints, never ending demands and overwhelming obligations, my future appeared short of God’s promises. My life just wasn’t lining up with His word.

Twenty pounds heavier, distractions on constant overload, and physically drained, I failed victim to the "survival trap" again. I tried to "perfect" the broken pieces. I cut my natural tresses, went bolder with my makeup and tried different things. Here, I was guilty as charged--dressed up my calamities but my mirror was warped. There was a crack, an ugly stain and unsightly blemish that distorted my vision. The real issue wasn’t what I "saw" but what I "felt." The load was way too heavy! Oddly enough, It wasn’t even my load. I secretly "worried" about others wellbeing until it literally made me physically ill. I allowed the enemy to coerce me back into the cemetery of despair (by my own free will.)

My goals plunged to the bottom of the barrel. My schedule was an on demand production that drained every ounce of ambition and I kept trying to "climb the same mountains." I assumed I didn’t have enough faith to speak to the mountains.

I kept trying to resurrect things that I intentionally buried. On days where things seemed pretty rough, I took my shovel to the valley and dug tirelessly until my flesh was comforted by the familiar-fear, doubt, and overwhelming sadness.

B-U-T.......................................

Somewhere between the perimeters of my head and my heart, I refuse to accept present day realities. I have this "daily dose of hope" that things will get better. I have this ounce of belief that God will send the necessary provisions. In fact, I know this is not how my story ends.

Tears wailed up in my eyes today. I couldn’t stop them from flowing. My car broke down again. I wanted to yell. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to set the car on fire. I had enough. I was beyond tired.

But then I remembered....

I’ve watched many winds blow but I’ve also seen God calm the storm.

Not Too Late

When I’m at the gym and there’s an elderly person next to me on the elliptical--killin it, I’m always a little embarrassed. I mean they could literally do laps around me without breaking a sweat, while I’ve dragged myself out of bed just to say, "I made it here today." I guess in my mind, I’ve earned some invisible pat on the back for effort or something! However, my little bragging rights are short lived when I peep their willpower, perseverance and tenacity to go the distance. Plain and simple--ain’t no stopping them! 

As I sat quietly to get some work done, this early morning scenario rang heavily throughout my spirit. We could learn a lot from our predecessors if we just took the time to listen. If we weren’t so dismissive in the company of our elders, we could learn to really endure, without falling all to pieces everytime we stump a toe. 

I’m all for the innovative ideas of the new millennials, but there’s something about "traditional work ethics" that appeal to the procrastinator that lies dormant within when the alarm clock goes off at 5 am and I choose to press snooze. It’s something extraordinary about those last few minutes of sleep that ends up causing me to short change myself at the end of the day. I literally "run out of time" before I get it all done.

Do you ever make excuses for your lack of discipline?

Do you sit stewing in stagnation due to lack of priorities?

Do you hide out in the "closet of defeat" because you fail to put the work in for you (after you’ve worked for others all day)?

It’s not too late to start again.

It’s not too late to try again.

It’s not too late, just do "it" again.

Those lame old excuses are costing you more than your time. They’re costing you--your health, happiness, and productivity. You can’t reach new levels when your hands are full of yesterday’s junk! 

If you really want to progress, then promote yourself to a higher level of faith. In other words, put your faith to work. You got this!

Don’t sell yourself short because you refuse to "show up" to work your dreams, visions and goals.

Position yourself for God’s best.

It’s not too late.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." --Matthew 7:7-8 ESV

The Biggest Critic

One thing that I find pretty annoying in life is someone that attempts to feed my spirit with a bunch of "excuses" about any and everything. It literally makes my insides scream to God for mercy on my ear gates. My anxiety immediately shifts into overdrive with the mention of the word, "can’t." If you wanna see my whole face collapse into a pile of tension, just start ranting off a list of "impossibilities.

Today, I took a breather from my regular, routine schedule to reconnect with some friends and I was blown away at the notable growth I witnessed. They weren’t the same group of women that I shared laughs with over coffee in February. They were vibrant, confident women who were clutching their jewels like the queens they had become. They were in a new season and I was ecstatic to celebrate with them on their newfound journey of success.

I witnessed some break down limitation barriers and crush the enemies’ heads with the lies of fear that stifled creative juices and stunted growth. I saw some go from barely saying two words to bursting out of the seams of their comfort zones and openly share their hearts. I was in the presence of God’s mighty hands at work. Everyone had a brand new story. Even if they weren’t sailing on the mountaintop, they had definitely grown in faith. My heart was overwhelmed with joy. There wasn’t an ounce of defeat in the room.

After reflecting on my day, I had a come to Jesus moment--upfront, personal and real. I was still on a natural high, feeding off of the positive energy of the group. I thought about recent conversations with people were I offered the same ole tired story. I could barely repeat it cause I was tired of acknowledging it. 

To be honest, I wanted to camp out in the background because to have God locate me with his GPS was a little more than I could bare. I was disappointed that He would find me standing in the same spot that he delivered me from. I back tracked to the gutter and had another moment of people pleasing, failed rescue attempts and self sabotage.

Last fall, I took God’s word and hit the ground running. There was absolutely no stopping me. I was on fire for the Lord! Then by late winter, I was losing momentum. The "background noise" was replaying that same old sad song and I was addicted to the same ole two-step. I was secretly drowning in my pain but God proved to be my life jacket. He wouldn’t let me sink all the way under. Each time, I felt my strength slip away, I would receive a random text from a friend offering love, support and encouragement. Even though, I wasn’t physically present, God proved that I wasn’t alone either.

Despite my growing pains, my obnoxious groans and my stubbornness, (like the Israelites) God hadn’t abandoned me. He parted the Red Sea long ago but I refused to walk on the water. Leaving the familiar behind felt too courageous for me. I wasn’t brave like Ruth. Holding on to the familiar didn’t require me to exercise much faith. I wasn’t too fond of stretching outside of my confined boundaries. I wasn’t too big on expanding the perimeters that kept me shackled to other people’s issues. I was a local servant addicted to a grieving heart.

I grieved my past.

I grieved my present.

I grieved the future.

The critic within held me hostage to my own unbelief. I could intercede wholeheartedly for others in total faith but couldn’t muster up the strength to believe God for me--my portion, my abundance, and my total deliverance.

B-U-T

Today, served as an "ordained appointment" for God to pull the wool from over my eyes. Not only had my vision been distorted but my perspective was misaligned. My faith was a little misappropriated by the inner critic that raged with doubt, fear and insecurities. The same critic that yelled that I would be forever praying like Job for others, but would never inherit my double portion. The one that falsely assumed I would never witness my restoration and that my peace was long gone.

H-O-W-E-V-E-R

Don’t let the enemy seduce you into an isolated area of bondage for an easy win.

Don’t allow him to reign freely over your thoughts or attack your mind.

Don’t let him promote his nonsense into your life with acts of deliberate disobedience.

Get up.

Suit up.

Fight.

"But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded."

--2 Chronicles 15:7 ESV

Watch God do the "impossible" in this next season of your life. I know it will be worth the wait! Drown out the critic within with the promises of God. Stay in the race. Your faith will carry you further along than any measure of unbelief.

Don’t Water The Wrong Seeds

Sometimes we find ourselves making excuses for things we refuse to do but secretly cry about the things that never change.

We give until we’re depleted (at our own free will).

We know better but won’t do better.

We run, hide and blame everything and everyone outside of self for our problems.

Why...

Sometimes it’s easier to play the victim when you’re tired. 

Sometimes "change" requires you to put that "mustard seed faith" into real action.

Sometimes we "refuse" to live in submission to God’s will.

Yesterday, I shed some heartfelt tears over a few situations that knocked the breath out of me. (Fresh off vacation...fresh into the lions den) My ego was bruised because I couldn’t bring any resolution to the issues. My heart was crushed because I couldn’t offer any signs of light--my hope was overshadowed by darkness. All of the situations at hand seemed beyond God’s attention. The future seemed pretty bleak regarding the matters. 

I needed God to magnify my "mustard seed" by doing the impossible. I needed him to lend me an ounce of relief and grant me complete peace over the matter.

He dropped this in my spirit. Forgiveness doesn’t mean "reopening" closed doors. Don’t peek, crack, or lay hands on it. God closed them for our protection. You wouldn’t touch a hot stove after being burned; would you? Oh wait, who am I kidding? I know I’ve touched the same blazing, hot stove dozens of times and cried in disbelief upon being repeatedly burned.

Oftentimes we know how to respond to life’s circumstances but we wrestle with our heart because it’s not always our desire to follow God’s plan. We want to change His mind about the matter when He’s already shown us the way.

We hesitate.

We disobey.

We put the dagger in our own chest.

Yesterday, I cried as I made a heartbreaking decision to bury a part of me that I can never get back but God can. In this season, it’s not acceptable to overextend yourself to situations that aren’t apart of your assignment. He already given you a solid- no!

They say that good things fall apart so that better things can come together. Well, I stand at the feet of Jesus in total submission to His will. I know that when I can’t, He definitely can. 

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand."

-Psalm 40:2

No Place Like Home

We all have different perceptions of what a "happy home" should look like, smell like or feel like. Some may have wanted a two-parent household. Some might have this televised version of a stay-at-home parent baking goodies, packing lunches and carpooling them to school. But for many, the reality was quite different. Unfortunately, children don’t have a vote in the matter. They don’t get the luxury of opting-out of poverty, single parent homes and dysfunctional relationships, so they learn to survive.

Then those same broken kids become broken adults, who spend their entire lives trying to recreate that imaginary space of a perfect household that doesn’t exist. So in turn, we buy our kids "things" to compensate for what we lack. We justify doing the wrong things for the right reasons. We want our kids to have a better life; but sometimes, we set them up for failure by creating a superficial system of entitlement that the real world doesn’t offer. Then we find ourselves "burned out" because our efforts never quite measured up to their warped expectations.

We enslave ourselves to overwhelming debt to fill voids because our hearts don’t fully comprehend that wholeness is not found in the tangible, not even the home.

We dress up our calamities with the mask of disguise to put on a front that our priorities are in tact for people that genuinely don’t like us.

We become so consumed with lack and burdens that we never reach anything familiar to satisfaction.

Trust me, I’m not judging anyone’s struggle. I think I could’ve written the struggle manual (to be honest)! I don’t have it all together. In fact, my life is far from fool-proof. I fall flat on my face daily. It is only through God’s grace and mercy that I find the strength to stand in spite of what it looks like or feels like. I find peace in knowing that this is not my ultimate destination.

Even in all my tumultuous emotions, God reassures me....

It doesn’t matter what side of the track you grew up on.

It doesn’t matter that your foundation was faulty or cracked.

It doesn’t matter what you lacked. 

It’s all about what’s made "available" to you on today. Even when man, parents or friends fall short, God stood in the gap and made the provisions.

Your "rightful place" is not found in the things or the people of this world. This is not our permanent home. We are not destined to stay here forever.

In all that, I say, "Be encouraged," in spite of what’s going on in your temporary home. Don’t let a difficult moment disrupt your momentum. You were graced to go the distance.

We all strive to hear, well done my good and faithful servant when we reach our real home--our permanent place of rest.

Try, First

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." --Galatians 6:9

So yesterday, I perused the mall at Myrtle Beach, not to shop but more-so for physical activity since I haven’t been too conscious of my calorie intake. Once I came to the center point, I caught sight of kids secured in some type of harness bounce off trampolines and fly way up into mid air. My anxiety skyrocketed every time I saw a kid shoot up into thin air. I would never have the courage to be so daring! What if the harness malfunctioned? Then the "what-if-list" turned into endless possibilities of what could go wrong.

I hurried off a few minutes after my nerves had endured more than I cared to witness. As I walked away, the picture remained etched in memory bank. I chuckled, "Kids are such dare devils!" We, as adults, could learn a thing or two by tapping into our inner youth. What if we weren’t afraid to fail?

I immediately thought about every opportunity presented that I declined because I was scared to step outside the box of "fear!" I also started to entertain past memories of my prior bench warming career because I refused to get in the race. The sidelines had become my comfort zone. My safety net was totally behind the scenes and I had no desire to be promoted to the ranks of front line duty. I could serve effectively from the far back corner.

Oddly enough, my heart knows there is no failure in Him but trying to convince my head to take the first step becomes the real challenge.

What if we started to live out our witness by "showing up" to do the impossible? What if every time we took that first step that we boldly declared, "Not by my will but His..."

In other words, let God see you "try" before you so conveniently "quit?"

Take Only What You Need

As I was getting ready for a few days at the beach with family, the thought of packing gave me an immediate headache. Preparing to spend time away from home usually means taking everything short of the kitchen sink. My mind went into overdrive as I thought about all the electronics I "needed" to function on a daily basis and the anxiety grew stronger as I thought more about forgetting the accompanying cords.

After checking the weather forecast for South Carolina, I pulled out endless clothing possibilities that left my bedroom looking like a tornado touched down. Truth be told, I wasn’t here for all the "glitz and glam" on this trip. I was in a lighter mood, so I wanted my wardrobe to reflect what I felt on the inside--freedom. I grabbed some tanks, leggings and a few dusters-Bam! I was done minus the toiletries, shoes and cosmetics. I could’ve downsized some more but I was proud of myself. I had accomplished something meaningful! For the first time in years, I wasn’t carrying a load, specifically someone else’s.

I left behind all the "nonessential" nonsense that claimed my attention on occasion.

I left behind the overwhelming to-do-list.

I left behind the inescapable family drama that’s always on "repeat" in the background.

I took a little more than I needed but I left the "junk" behind. I didn’t think about what I had to face when I return back home. Actually, I didn’t think about much of anything! I was free!

Still.

In my "happy place."

Ready to recharge in God’s presence.

I woke up to a rainy day with an oceanfront view and no outlined agenda. There’s no itinerary, nagging responsibilities or scheduled commitments. This feels like paradise. The "calm" after the storm.

When we endure challenges, it feels like relief is far fetched. Our prayers can feel like vain attempts to get God’s attention, knowing that there are other severe cases ahead of ours.

After awhile, being in the valley seems like home, but then God shifts the atmosphere and releases your abundance.

Peace shows up.

Love returns.

Freedom overpowers.

Take only what you need to THRIVE, leave the rest behind.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." --Matthew 11:28

Wounded Warrior

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." --Isaiah 53:5

When I recently got drafted to facilitate a lesson on "The Process" at a Woman’s Bible Study group, I was a little disgruntled. Give me a topic that I’ve already mastered and let me hit the ground running. Give me the reins to lead a group discussion from a place of victory but don’t put me in a vulnerable position to expose my weakness. I felt destined to fail but God had other plans little did I know.

As I’ve stated many of times, my struggle has always been "middle ground!" I’m either dragging my feet in the valley or doing handstands on the mountaintop. However, lately I’ve been sprinting around the same mountain--complacent, unsatisfied and annoyed.

I sat distressed, mourning and crying out to God like Paul with a "secret thorn" in my flesh.

During the group discussion, I unveiled the wound, undressed the pain and uncovered my truth by allowing the Holy Spirit complete dominion over my insecurities. Once I started talking, I felt like a "well of freedom" replenished everything that I released.

It was done.

The yoke was destroyed.

The bondage shifted to freedom.

When I initially walked in the room, my heart, in one hand but my sword in the other. I was not coming for sympathy or pats on the head. Despite my struggles, I refused to be pitiful! I knew how to stand flat footed, shoulders squared back and look the enemy directly in his face without flinching. I’m only stood 5 feet 2 inches in physical stature but I was trained for combat. Growing up as an only child, I learned how to defend myself many years ago and I wasn’t scared to fight either. The only problem was that nobody loved me enough to point out that I was fighting with the wrong weapons.

I knew all about the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the belt of truth, the sword of the spirit, and the shoes of the gospel. However I was taught at an early age that if somebody hit you, that you hit them back. So here I was now--an adult trying to fight "flesh with flesh!" And yet, wondered why I was still losing?

That "thing" that you are secretly at war with is not the root of your pain. It’s time to take your hands off of it because over analyzing causes you to climb walls that just don’t exist. Let go of the invisible rivalry that takes up permanent residence in your space that screams, "this can’t be conquered." It’s covered by the blood! Self-condemnation is a trick of the enemy to keep you distracted from the greatness that already lies within. 

 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." --Ephesians 6:12

He already paid the price.

The battle has already been won.

All you have to do is--walk in it (FREEDOM).

New Life

On Saturday morning, I hopped out of bed with the residue of defeat lingering like a thick cloud over my head from the previous’ days troubles. I didn’t feel like being social because I still felt slightly irritated. I thought about Pastor Richard’s nugget that he shared during a recent sermon on being "physically present" for divine appointments.

To be honest, I was still trying to work through my social awkwardness. I simply gravitated towards people that seemed to enjoy my company. Those that didn’t care to share my space was perfectly suitable for my taste. It meant less stretching out of my comfort zone. I could live with that.

So, here I was physically present to serve as a volunteer at this Street Church event but emotionally preoccupied. The biggest problem with introverts is that we spend a lot of time in isolation, working on "inward" feelings. There’s rarely room on our plate for much else because we’re so overwhelmed by working through our own stuff. Some would argue that’s terribly selfish but it’s complicated in my world. There’s a deeper root to my actions that’s almost unexplainable on a superficial level. In other words, you can’t make accurate assumptions based on what you see with the naked eye because you don’t have enough information to access the perils of the unseen.

Rather than beat myself up over being emotionally unavailable to effectively serve, I tried to remain physically present for God’s download. Even if I wasn’t serving, there had to be a reason God summoned me to this exact location at this exact moment.

Of all the things I observed and heard, the thing that rang loudest was a woman’s testament of faith during some pretty difficult moments. Followed by another woman sharing an intense personal account of the meaning of baptism. I could feel the raw unedited version of her pain and her joy simultaneously. There was healing in her words.

Ok Jesus, I was in full attendance now. He had my undivided attention. As we took communion, I was Godly sorry for my unintentional and intentional transgressions committed against Him. I was still holding on to this "power struggle" with Him because absolute submission meant having no earthly control of the ending. I wanted what I wanted--a perfect ending to a tormentuous beginning.

I watched strangers become family through their public declaration of faith. Each time a candidate went down...

I could see their chains being loosed in the air.

I could smell the death of their past drowning.

I could see their newfound freedom rising.

My busy little Sociologist mind, intentionally looked at each participant’s face when they came up from baptism. It was something quite different about them. There wasn’t a textbook answer to explain the peace I witnessed firsthand in their eyes. I didn’t need to know their story to know that God’s resurrection power had reached down and snatched their souls into new life.

At the end, I glanced at the dirty pool full of grass and other debris. I could just imagine the hurts, pains and disappointments washed away. I saw members embrace leaders with maternal hugs of unconditional love. They were proud of their accomplishment and I was honored to witness it. God knew I needed to be there. This wasn’t just a regular community initiative to gain some followers. This was a life changing transformation with God’s hand at work. This was an encounter that served as a reminder that real ministry exceeds the four walls of the church. This was love in action!

I caught a quick glimpse of a woman walking around with a stack of manila envelopes for each candidate and my heart smiled.

The participants (no my family members) earned their papers.

They made it to their freedom.

Jesus paid the price.

New life was here. 

Forgiveness was available.

Condemnation was no more.

The blood still works. 

It covers. It releases. It heals.

Destiny Awaits

On Friday, I tried to blog at least four or five times but the enemy kept sending petty interruptions my way. Well, maybe it wasn’t the enemy at all. Now, that I’m over all the endless shenanigans, I’m sure it was God’s protection. He wouldn’t allow me to fall flat on my face and completely stumble on my post. However, the more proactive I tried to be in conflict resolution, the more my flesh wanted to react.

In this season, "time management" is at the top of my priority chain and little roadblocks have attempted to rob my serenity and tried my patience a time or two. As a result, I planned to write a sassy little piece about "burning bridges" because I was super annoyed. Every time I set out to pen my thoughts, a distraction claimed my immediate attention.

By the end of the day, I was livid. I encountered one epic failure after another. When I finally arrived to my hair appointment, I told the hairdresser to cut it all off. There was a storm brewing on the inside and I was one stop short of a raging time bomb. It felt like I was waking up to serve other’s daily needs and I was paying the ultimate price--my peace!

I couldn’t piece together a regular routine with established boundaries. The agenda kept changing daily without my input but at my expense! I was still living on other’s terms, at everyone’s beck and call--the on demand help! I wasn’t happy about too much of anything that was happening around me nor within me. I was giving, giving and giving, yet I remained thirsty. Consequently, I kept coming up short on my end. Here I was --slowly unraveling again but who knew? I dare not inconvenience anyone with the simplicity of my frustrations.

Everyone has their own share of struggles, so I wasn’t expecting any kind of subtle act of intervention. In fact, I had abandoned all my peer based support groups to make myself available to others and I was growing increasingly bitter and resentful by the day. Every time my phone rang, someone had a last minute request and I was screaming on the inside, while trying to make it look effortless on the outside. My talk therapy was non-existent and failed by the wayside. My prayers sounded like a broken record of petitions that fell on deaf ears. (Don’t crucify me, I knew better but that’s how I felt).

I thrive in "order" but fail tremendously in chaos....

It was taking way too long to read a friend’s manuscript that I could’ve read in a few days with a disciplined mindset.

Working on my own writing proved to be a unique challenge without scheduled quiet time.

Keeping healthy goals a priority was a failed attempt subconsciously paused.

Planning balanced meals presented scheduling conflicts due to eating on the go.

Maintaining a positive posture with a smile on my face seemed nearly impossible.

During my haircut, I started to inspect the split, damaged ends falling to the floor. I started thinking about what those natural tresses had endured over Fall and Winter. Physically, I literally felt the relief from the dead weight being lifted. I didn’t feel anything emotionally though. I was numb for a change--a dangerous place to be!

Self-preservation light bulbs goes off...To protect my future sanity, I will intentionally start cutting people’s access to me. My phone will be turned off during my down time. It’s four months into the year and my personal goals are pilling up, my gym time is sporadic and I’m always my last choice! I’ve gone with the flow for so long, the requests micmic never ending demands. What bothers me the most? The lack of consideration shown for the time I serve unselfishly is never sufficient.

Life Lesson: Don’t stay longer than needed to effectively learn the lesson and move on. Don’t stay bound on a hopeless merry-go-round of people pleasing with intentions of gaining acceptance and validating your self-worth. Your value isn’t performance based. There’s nothing you can do to gain favor with folks. They will move the finish line every time you commit. Stay in sync with God’s will and let him order your steps. Your destiny is waiting for your obedient response! What will you choose?

"Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are." --Theodore Roosevelt

Don’t Stop Dreaming

As the hinges hang half hazardously on the remains of this dilapidated dwelling, the Holy Spirit enters this place to offer rest.

Rest from yesterday’s troubles.

Rest from present day trials. 

Rest for tomorrow’s journey.

Last night, I slept like a baby. There was a sweet peace that fell over my mind, my heart and my soul. Finally, it was truly well within my soul—a complete night’s rest of total submission.

Somewhere sandwiched between exhaustion and perseverance, lay this physically present body eager to close my eyes in God’s presence but estatic to wake the deferred dreams.

As I drifted asleep, my mind traveled pass complacency and straight to the mountain top of undeniable joy. I could smell the dreams manifested. I could hear bells from heaven, my dad cheering me on. I could see the tears of passion reigning over every hurt, mistake and detour.

This wasn’t an illusion of victory. This was a lifetime of blood, sweat and tears in the making. This was growing pains of survival turned triumphantly into destiny come true.

Don’t let present day circumstances nurse your visions to sleep. Sometimes we encounter unfavorable experiences on the journey.

We may get thrown in the pit for being a dreamer.

Become falsely accused.

Imprisoned.

Persecuted.

But remember there’s a Joseph screaming on the inside, “this is not how the story ends!”

Your favor,

freedom,

and future is on the way.

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.....”—Genesis 50:20

The Weight of Rejection

For the past couple of weeks, seems like I’ve been on the receiving end of some brutal spiritual warfare. My flesh-subjected to excruciating migraines and ongoing inflammation that literally had me reaching for a Goody powder multiple times throughout the day just to function at mediocre. 

I knew I was “stressed,” but I refused to utter that truth out of my mouth. I wasn’t about to claim it and more determined not to fold under the pressure. I wasn’t a stranger to discomfort, so I knew this attack would soon pass. God had brought me out of worst and I trusted Him to do the same. I flinched but I didn’t fall.

I kept praying on the matter. God kept showing me the “culprit,” but I did everything in my power to resist the truth. I could see the problem plain as day but I kept going, trying to ignore what I knew to be true. 

Sometimes we consider “disappointments” as personal failures that crush our ego, bruise our hands and leave a slight stain on our heart that resemble an old unhealed, wound.

However, whenever we fail to take heed to God’s warnings, there’s always more trouble waiting up the road ahead.

Anyway, I was dead set against going to the doctor, cause I already knew what needed to happen. (We always know!) As I drove down the road one day, numbness and tingling started to travel down both arms. Fear screamed, make the doctor’s appointment already! I made the appointment (which later got canceled due to a scheduling conflict) but my healer was already sending revelation but I insisted on dragging the “rejection weight” along for the journey.

It was heavy.

It was an eyesore.

It was a burden.

It was unnecessary.

I started dragging myself from my friend’s couches for a safe landing cause as I stated on yesterday, I was fighting air. I was swinging, giving my best shots, aiming high but losing the battle because it wasn’t mine to fight. Everything within my “own” power was useless, limited and pointless. Basically, I was traveling outside of my jurisdiction. This won’t your average fist fight. I was a big girl that has never backed down, when it comes to standing up for myself, but this was something totally different.

Then this happened....Woke up this morning feeling feverish, body aches, chills, sneezing (what appears to be a cold). Not a fan of being sick, so I strived to knock this right on out. I made a quick run before I headed back to bed and my “check engine” light pops on. Talk bout feeling “defeated!”

I attempted to waddle for a brief moment in self-pity but I knew better. I started trying to imagine every scenario of how “this thing” could be so much bigger than it was. I also thought about how God was still aiming to get my attention over the last couple of weeks.

Here he was again, signaling me with my check engine light, warning me to stop!

Sometimes, we just try too hard. We climb the tower of “unrealistic expectations,” trying to be the savior of matters that are bigger than our hands can rightfully hold.

We spot the attacker in his disguise.

We see the intentional attacks from afar.

We refuse to surrender cause we think it means failure. 

We discredit our discernment to justify staying in the fight (but it’s not out battle).

However, don’t be easily swayed by the disappointments you encounter. Rejection serves purpose too. Sometimes, God is nudging us in a different direction because He knows that our best efforts will never pan out. He knows when the load is too heavy and it just ain’t our assignment.

When there is no peace on the matter, his provision will not follow suit. Giving up ain’t always taking an “L.” Sometimes, it’s actually a win that says, I trust God for my best. The crumbs rationed from the table don’t sustain my position in him. I choose to wait patiently for His abundance.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.” -John 14:1

Stay the Course

I’ve always been an analytical thinker for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I was very inquisitive. I needed to know the “why” behind most everything I participated in. Although most times, I had to settle for the short answer, “because I said so,” or pick my teeth up off the floor. I chose to quietly settle in contempt to keep me teeth perfectly fixated.

Learning to accept that the adults in my life ran their households as dictatorships without question of authority didn’t suit me well but I learned to go with the flow to appease others. I wasn’t about to be subjected to spankings for allowing my inquisitiveness to get the best of me. Pretty much, the same thing, jobs refer to as insubordination, families refer to as disrespect, so I remained quiet, hidden and afraid.

Subsequently, my relationship with God has mirrored those same attributes. It’s all I rightfully knew. No wonder, I’d been seeking refuge in the valley, my foundation was planted on a rock of tradition that no longer satisfied my taste buds. I had a bitter taste of unanswered questions that thirst for fulfillment via truth.

This which brings me to the “island of incompletion,” trying to work out the kinks and walk faithfully into purpose with as little worldly influence as possible but still to no avail. In my heart, writing has been my most therapeutic moments with God but there was no way I could continue to write about “freedom” on a public platform while continually stumbling myself (regardless of the limited audience). I retreated to a place of solace to recharge but instead I ended up with two non-functioning laptops, outdated software on an older model Nook tablet smack dab in the middle of changing Blogging platforms. The enemy must be “big mad” for real! I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t think it would be this hard either.

So where does the spiritual journey lead me?

Sometimes, mountain climbing back in the darkness of the wilderness.

Other times, fighting against air because the physical giants that I perceive as enemies are only Satan’s tools to wage a superficial war of distraction.

Oftentimes, sitting at the feet of Jesus, trying to make sense of all the environmental mayhem. (which isn’t in my job description).

Two Sundays ago, I listened to my Pastor give reasons why Divine appointments are so powerful. When he got to number one on the list, it’s like the Holy Spirit had discreetly slid him my “struggle card!” Maybe I heard him wrong, but then this appeared on the overhead projection screen....Teach us to be FULLY PRESENT at ALL times. My spirit man was calling for the immediate benediction. I needed to go home and let the Holy Spirit wash the stench off my flesh. I was completely filthy. There was a foul odor lingering and I was embarrassed. Was this scent traveling rampantly through the Sanctuary like spoiled unpleasantries? 

I’d been sleep on my post.

Texting behind the wheel of uncertainty.

And intoxicated by overwhelming busyness.

I wasn’t operating in my “calling” because my gifts always felt like hidden curses. My talents were like double-sided swords that always caused self-inflicted wounds. I was a born “giver” but receiving was a foreign entity that weighed me down. Receiving felt selfish! Freely “receiving” God’s love is still an ongoing part of the process to wholeness.

I was trained from the womb to “serve” others, a gifted expert of withholding personal needs to meet others. Somewhere along the journey, my dreams, goals and desires got lost in the translation of sacrifice and martyrdom.

How could I be fully present(at all times) to wholeheartedly serve God, if I was so bombarded with man made requests?

There will ALWAYS be needs that venture outside my capabilities. Everyone has a bucket for you to fill? If you give all your seeds away, what will you plant in your fields?

Don’t be like me, found guilty of beating air. Those no “win situations” that rob your peace, steal your joy and claim your undivided attention—let them go!

Get back to the basics. 

Stand your ground.

Cover your post.

Walk in your truth.