I Almost Quit

For the last couple of months, everything that could’ve gone wrong--did go wrong! For the most part, I tried to remain optimistic through the trials. I can’t say that I passed every test with flying colors because I did have some weak moments and a few, derogatory choice words extinguished my peace on frequent occasions. As I drowned hopelessly in a river of complaints, never ending demands and overwhelming obligations, my future appeared short of God’s promises. My life just wasn’t lining up with His word.

Twenty pounds heavier, distractions on constant overload, and physically drained, I failed victim to the "survival trap" again. I tried to "perfect" the broken pieces. I cut my natural tresses, went bolder with my makeup and tried different things. Here, I was guilty as charged--dressed up my calamities but my mirror was warped. There was a crack, an ugly stain and unsightly blemish that distorted my vision. The real issue wasn’t what I "saw" but what I "felt." The load was way too heavy! Oddly enough, It wasn’t even my load. I secretly "worried" about others wellbeing until it literally made me physically ill. I allowed the enemy to coerce me back into the cemetery of despair (by my own free will.)

My goals plunged to the bottom of the barrel. My schedule was an on demand production that drained every ounce of ambition and I kept trying to "climb the same mountains." I assumed I didn’t have enough faith to speak to the mountains.

I kept trying to resurrect things that I intentionally buried. On days where things seemed pretty rough, I took my shovel to the valley and dug tirelessly until my flesh was comforted by the familiar-fear, doubt, and overwhelming sadness.

B-U-T.......................................

Somewhere between the perimeters of my head and my heart, I refuse to accept present day realities. I have this "daily dose of hope" that things will get better. I have this ounce of belief that God will send the necessary provisions. In fact, I know this is not how my story ends.

Tears wailed up in my eyes today. I couldn’t stop them from flowing. My car broke down again. I wanted to yell. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to set the car on fire. I had enough. I was beyond tired.

But then I remembered....

I’ve watched many winds blow but I’ve also seen God calm the storm.