Stay the Course

I’ve always been an analytical thinker for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I was very inquisitive. I needed to know the “why” behind most everything I participated in. Although most times, I had to settle for the short answer, “because I said so,” or pick my teeth up off the floor. I chose to quietly settle in contempt to keep me teeth perfectly fixated.

Learning to accept that the adults in my life ran their households as dictatorships without question of authority didn’t suit me well but I learned to go with the flow to appease others. I wasn’t about to be subjected to spankings for allowing my inquisitiveness to get the best of me. Pretty much, the same thing, jobs refer to as insubordination, families refer to as disrespect, so I remained quiet, hidden and afraid.

Subsequently, my relationship with God has mirrored those same attributes. It’s all I rightfully knew. No wonder, I’d been seeking refuge in the valley, my foundation was planted on a rock of tradition that no longer satisfied my taste buds. I had a bitter taste of unanswered questions that thirst for fulfillment via truth.

This which brings me to the “island of incompletion,” trying to work out the kinks and walk faithfully into purpose with as little worldly influence as possible but still to no avail. In my heart, writing has been my most therapeutic moments with God but there was no way I could continue to write about “freedom” on a public platform while continually stumbling myself (regardless of the limited audience). I retreated to a place of solace to recharge but instead I ended up with two non-functioning laptops, outdated software on an older model Nook tablet smack dab in the middle of changing Blogging platforms. The enemy must be “big mad” for real! I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t think it would be this hard either.

So where does the spiritual journey lead me?

Sometimes, mountain climbing back in the darkness of the wilderness.

Other times, fighting against air because the physical giants that I perceive as enemies are only Satan’s tools to wage a superficial war of distraction.

Oftentimes, sitting at the feet of Jesus, trying to make sense of all the environmental mayhem. (which isn’t in my job description).

Two Sundays ago, I listened to my Pastor give reasons why Divine appointments are so powerful. When he got to number one on the list, it’s like the Holy Spirit had discreetly slid him my “struggle card!” Maybe I heard him wrong, but then this appeared on the overhead projection screen....Teach us to be FULLY PRESENT at ALL times. My spirit man was calling for the immediate benediction. I needed to go home and let the Holy Spirit wash the stench off my flesh. I was completely filthy. There was a foul odor lingering and I was embarrassed. Was this scent traveling rampantly through the Sanctuary like spoiled unpleasantries? 

I’d been sleep on my post.

Texting behind the wheel of uncertainty.

And intoxicated by overwhelming busyness.

I wasn’t operating in my “calling” because my gifts always felt like hidden curses. My talents were like double-sided swords that always caused self-inflicted wounds. I was a born “giver” but receiving was a foreign entity that weighed me down. Receiving felt selfish! Freely “receiving” God’s love is still an ongoing part of the process to wholeness.

I was trained from the womb to “serve” others, a gifted expert of withholding personal needs to meet others. Somewhere along the journey, my dreams, goals and desires got lost in the translation of sacrifice and martyrdom.

How could I be fully present(at all times) to wholeheartedly serve God, if I was so bombarded with man made requests?

There will ALWAYS be needs that venture outside my capabilities. Everyone has a bucket for you to fill? If you give all your seeds away, what will you plant in your fields?

Don’t be like me, found guilty of beating air. Those no “win situations” that rob your peace, steal your joy and claim your undivided attention—let them go!

Get back to the basics. 

Stand your ground.

Cover your post.

Walk in your truth.