Self-Centered Pieces

"You find peace not be rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level." ---Eckhart Tolle

After we got back from the Eddie James concert, I was determined to stay in that moment of freedom. I needed to hold onto that like I needed the breath in my body. Somehow, I got sidetracked in the midst of my process, so I decided to "out work" my pain.

 I committed to out give,
 out eat,
 out love,
 and unknowingly "outsource" my strength.

I compromised strength for acceptance. People begin to scrape the bottom of my pit, searching for the remnants of leftovers to "take." There was nothing. The "pain" kept chasing me down so, I became a mirror of exhaustion in public but dead weight in a sunken down mattress behind closed doors. The enemy had administered a lethal sedative and I became spiritually numb by the environmental dead weight of surrounding circumstances. The demons of heaviness latched onto my spiritual well-being, but I kept running.

 I was nobody's victim and I didn't know "how" this would end, but I was determined to FIGHT like a boss! I was determined to keep running until I figured this "thing" out. However, the more I ran, the more I unraveled. I kept seeking God in prayer and he kept giving me a simple phrase, "ministry of reconciliation."

As I assembled into a freshly painted, teal room to join a group of women in a Bible Study group, I slid haphazardly into a chair in the back of the room. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone in fear of falling to pieces. As the facilitator unpacked her message, I could've took off running again but this time around the building in a praise. She had just "unlocked" my cell with three phrases:

Focus on God.

Forgive yourself.

Fix your mind.

It clicked. I am a recovering Perfectionist with a slight obsession towards becoming the best (whole, healed and free) me in order to effectively SERVE others. My "help" hasn't always been greeted with open arms, and sometimes due to my own fear, neglect or hidden insecurities. Sometimes I just wasn't  the "right fit" for a particular group. Consequently, that rejection fueled unresolved abandonment issues and made healthy relationships almost impossible.

My withdrawn introspective nature was crippling my perspective. My horizons were limited because my thinking had become warped by the opinions of man. I kept reaching for approval that I needed in my younger years. I looked for arms to surround me, eyes to comfort me and a voice to affirm me. I kept "spazzing out" on fumes of  the "self-centered" pieces of lack from years past.

On the drive home, I kept hearing the echoes of fresh reconciliation.

I was no longer incarcerated by the darkness of yesterday.

The devil was defeated.

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God" 2 Corinthians 5:20