Reaffirmed Rejection

"The surest way to lose your self-worth is by trying to find it through the eyes of others."-Becca Lee

My ears are still ringing from the long list of unsolicited "you need to’s" that dance off the white popcorn ceilings every time I attempt to close my eyes for a night’s rest. If life were as simple as some would have you to believe, then we would all be healthier, happier and more fulfilled. It’s only when you’re limp and ice cold, pinned to a table (helpless & hopeless), lying on your back, with a bleak future that people insist upon inserting their "expert opinions," without fully understanding the depths of your deficits. It’s after the diagnosis...after the failure...after the bottom falls out --that they have all the accommodating answers. 

Where were you when you saw me "bleeding?" 

Where were you when my "cries" went ignored?

Judging by natural sight, many assume my wounds are self inflicted, a result of repeated disobedience. But I’m not a slacker. I’ve turned turmoil into triumphs, burdens into blessings, stumbles into success. I’ve turned closed doors into fundamental building blocks to create opportunities from the ashes of rejection with God’s help. 

I’ve been crowned with the ability to put one foot in front of the other despite adversity. 

But I’m also human. 

I get weak.

I stumble.

I fail.

I cry.

It’s hard to explain a "pain" to others that they’ve never known. I can’t tell you how it feels to have a limb amputated but I can tell you what it feels like to have dropped your sword in the middle of a fight. I can tell you what an overwhelming, overextended season of sadness feels like when you know God’s word to be irrefutable, absolute truth. 

It’s a intrusive spiritual attack of faith but you can’t shake it off.

When the mind silently screams, "surrender" you retreat to a familiar cage of reaffirmed rejection. When asked, "where does it hurt?" Others expect it to be your heart but you point to the navel--an intimate place on your body that resembles an unhealed umbilical cord. The sacred place that was supposed to house an oxygen supply but was severed too soon.

That deprivation shows up in every disconnected relationship. It mirrors that same place of abandonment and any attempt to claim available space has already been filled by other occupants. 

You retreat to survival. Becoming invisible is a safety mechanism that keeps you out of harm’s way. Camouflaging keeps you one step ahead of the enemy’s trap of death but it also keeps you on the run.

At some point, you gotta come face to face with God and flood him with your tears. You gotta break open your box of defeat, despair and darkness and allow him to do the mending. 

Don’t wait for personal affirmations to trickle off the lips of those that share your DNA, it may never come. 

Find peace within.

Cultivate His purpose.

And L-I-V-E his truth (LOUD).

Something to consider: In a world of darkness, can God trust you to be the light for others? 

Can he trust you to be inconvenienced by others pain to promote his peace?

Can he trust you to be an ambassador for His kingdom?