Becoming

One of the hardest truths to face is--being in a space that no longer serves you.

Recently, I made a long, overdue decision to "disconnect" from the social media platform, Facebook. It seemed useless to work diligently to produce in a space that refused to acknowledge my efforts as a noticeable contribution. Showing up as a creative, in a world that pretends not to see you, reaffirms the wounds of "unhealed trauma" that remains undergirded by the scars of rejection.

The "lack of engagement" sustained unwelcomed insecurities and prematurely wilted the petals of potential from forming full blooms.

It reinforced the concrete walls of abandonment that lined the cracks of subconscious childhood memories.

 It forced me into the isolated corners of desperation, trying to remain relevant in times of emotional uncertainty.

My distress seemed oblivious to the masses that were drowning in their own pain. Help was like foreign aid, unattainable, because most were struggling to remain afloat themselves!

Whenever I found myself drifting outside the familiar, in search of relief efforts, what I found instead was overwhelmed entities that reaffirmed the ashes of rejection and barricaded my pain with authoritarian submission.

At my dismay, I soon realized that I could not heal in an environment that was designed to model generational instabilities:

* to be seen, not heard.
* to serve, not lead.
* to execute, not question.

In fact, most of my intimate relationships were starting to resemble that of my most displaced with my mom...

As I stood--standing in the doorway of expectation, waiting for her eyes to affirm mine, it was just an unrealistic fantasy, because the pain of my presence reminded her of a dark place that she longed to forget.

So rather than have her confront the pain of me staying, I dismissed myself in silence.

Hoping. Praying. Wishing.

That one day she would gain the courage to love me back to wholeness.

In the valley of waiting for the shadows to dissipate, I realized that I was only creating my own heartbreak.

The thing that I thought I needed to breakfree was the same thing that was holding me back from:

evolving,
loving, 
and becoming.

"Don't let the pain of staying keep you from the freedom of leaving."--me