A Living Nightmare

I always wake up at the crack of dawn without an alarm clock but force myself back to sleep. Sometimes facing the morning's reality is way too much to fathom on a few hours of rest.

As my eyes slowly wondered down the imaginary lines of my bedroom ceiling, I caught myself in the middle of an unwanted "mind mapping crisis." Somehow, I managed to mentally categorize all my options by lining my ducks up in a row.

Who was I kidding?  I hated those rubber ducks! They all represented something that I had "outgrown!"

When I opened the blinds, my tears greeted the rain with contempt, so I closed them and drew the gray curtains shut.

The clouds overshadowed my "projected optimism" with the gloomy forecast, so I crawled back into bed to make this nightmare disappear.

Screeching alerts of potential inclement weather interrupted my daydreams.

This was a "living nightmare!"

All I wanted-- was to take a "mental health day" in peace. I wanted to lie in bed, be naked & vulnerable, and cry without shame.

I didn't want to think about today, tomorrow, or a tornado threat!

The undeniable restlessness violated my peace and forced me to examine the anxiousness that charged my blood pressure to abrupt palpitations.

As I explored the deep end of fear, my bed became the coffin that trapped my "living" corpse.

It was hard to face the truth, but living a nightmare was even worse.

Although my heart craved creative space, my head always overruled in favor of survival.

Freedom bells hadn't seemed to prevail for me, because I nested in the shadows of segregation. I clung to the limbs of a familiar addiction, the self-sabotage model, when the risk became unbearable.

Today, "the rainbow" was not enough to convince my fears to vacate the premises.

But tomorrow, I will stand in the shadows of God's work to exercise:

1. Awareness:   I will allow myself grace to be broken but space to be healed.

2. Forgiveness: I will achieve reconciliation by meeting my pain with forgiveness.

3. Integration:  I will act with gratitude for the pain is a healing balm necessary for growth.

Don't torment your potential with the lucid dreams of lies that seek to prematurely bury your passion.

Get grounded in greatness.                                  
Advocate for the victory within.                  
Stop living the nightmare.