Becoming

One of the hardest truths to face is--being in a space that no longer serves you.

Recently, I made a long, overdue decision to "disconnect" from the social media platform, Facebook. It seemed useless to work diligently to produce in a space that refused to acknowledge my efforts as a noticeable contribution. Showing up as a creative, in a world that pretends not to see you, reaffirms the wounds of "unhealed trauma" that remains undergirded by the scars of rejection.

The "lack of engagement" sustained unwelcomed insecurities and prematurely wilted the petals of potential from forming full blooms.

It reinforced the concrete walls of abandonment that lined the cracks of subconscious childhood memories.

 It forced me into the isolated corners of desperation, trying to remain relevant in times of emotional uncertainty.

My distress seemed oblivious to the masses that were drowning in their own pain. Help was like foreign aid, unattainable, because most were struggling to remain afloat themselves!

Whenever I found myself drifting outside the familiar, in search of relief efforts, what I found instead was overwhelmed entities that reaffirmed the ashes of rejection and barricaded my pain with authoritarian submission.

At my dismay, I soon realized that I could not heal in an environment that was designed to model generational instabilities:

* to be seen, not heard.
* to serve, not lead.
* to execute, not question.

In fact, most of my intimate relationships were starting to resemble that of my most displaced with my mom...

As I stood--standing in the doorway of expectation, waiting for her eyes to affirm mine, it was just an unrealistic fantasy, because the pain of my presence reminded her of a dark place that she longed to forget.

So rather than have her confront the pain of me staying, I dismissed myself in silence.

Hoping. Praying. Wishing.

That one day she would gain the courage to love me back to wholeness.

In the valley of waiting for the shadows to dissipate, I realized that I was only creating my own heartbreak.

The thing that I thought I needed to breakfree was the same thing that was holding me back from:

evolving,
loving, 
and becoming.

"Don't let the pain of staying keep you from the freedom of leaving."--me

A Living Nightmare

I always wake up at the crack of dawn without an alarm clock but force myself back to sleep. Sometimes facing the morning's reality is way too much to fathom on a few hours of rest.

As my eyes slowly wondered down the imaginary lines of my bedroom ceiling, I caught myself in the middle of an unwanted "mind mapping crisis." Somehow, I managed to mentally categorize all my options by lining my ducks up in a row.

Who was I kidding?  I hated those rubber ducks! They all represented something that I had "outgrown!"

When I opened the blinds, my tears greeted the rain with contempt, so I closed them and drew the gray curtains shut.

The clouds overshadowed my "projected optimism" with the gloomy forecast, so I crawled back into bed to make this nightmare disappear.

Screeching alerts of potential inclement weather interrupted my daydreams.

This was a "living nightmare!"

All I wanted-- was to take a "mental health day" in peace. I wanted to lie in bed, be naked & vulnerable, and cry without shame.

I didn't want to think about today, tomorrow, or a tornado threat!

The undeniable restlessness violated my peace and forced me to examine the anxiousness that charged my blood pressure to abrupt palpitations.

As I explored the deep end of fear, my bed became the coffin that trapped my "living" corpse.

It was hard to face the truth, but living a nightmare was even worse.

Although my heart craved creative space, my head always overruled in favor of survival.

Freedom bells hadn't seemed to prevail for me, because I nested in the shadows of segregation. I clung to the limbs of a familiar addiction, the self-sabotage model, when the risk became unbearable.

Today, "the rainbow" was not enough to convince my fears to vacate the premises.

But tomorrow, I will stand in the shadows of God's work to exercise:

1. Awareness:   I will allow myself grace to be broken but space to be healed.

2. Forgiveness: I will achieve reconciliation by meeting my pain with forgiveness.

3. Integration:  I will act with gratitude for the pain is a healing balm necessary for growth.

Don't torment your potential with the lucid dreams of lies that seek to prematurely bury your passion.

Get grounded in greatness.                                  
Advocate for the victory within.                  
Stop living the nightmare.                                                  

Flying High

"There's such an overwhelming heaviness accompanied by being in a space that you don't love. "-me

Although I've been trying to quietly fade into the gray decor of a mundane routine for months, my unsettled stomach rumbles against the currents of assimilation.

My desperate attempts to micmic a "traditional, work day," have landed my best efforts in the discarded "rejection" pile.

My optimistic glitter trail had been hacked by the fruit of abandonment: bitterness, frustration, and sadness.

Seems I'd been starving myself by refusing to get up from tables that hadn't appealed to my appetite.

I'd been sitting in "unoccupied spaces" that obstructed my airways by enforcing the gas chamber of lethargic disapprovals.

I'd been showing up with my gift in hand, but turned away, because it wasn't relevant to orthodox demands.

I probably should be plum "certified" crazy by the residue left behind from rejections!

Probably should be sitting under a "bridge of sorrow" clutching the vices of drugs, alcohol, or sex to cope.

But instead...

I choose to "pop up on'em like B-A-M!  I ain't going nowhere! You can't fire me, because I haven't even begun to bring the heat yet! I serve "official notice" to the frequencies of rejection that seek to disrupt my 20/20 flow. This little introverted unicorn ain't even got her feet wet yet!

My favorite academic scholar, "Flash," reminds me to change the channel on the chatter, when it ain't serving my best interest.

He commands attention with his charismatic "A" game, even on the worst days.  

He's unstoppable, because he's not competing on a "mediocre" skilled-level.

You won't catch him standing in lines, waiting to be served the leftovers. He packs his own "super power," not from a cape, but from the GOD within.

Today, I'll let Flash usher me back to the hands of the "Prince of Peace" where the glory flows without restriction, restraint, or rejection.

I'll "fly high" with my Father leading the way.

You can have your positions.
You can keep your titles.
Just give me his portion---perfect peace!

Water Your Seeds

"Every leaf that grows will tell you: what you sow will bear fruit..." --Rumi

Don’t cultivate a spirit of depression in your children by allowing them to watch you “suffer in silence.”

Your excuses will become their bondage.

Your bad habits will become their thorns.

Your pain will become their pit.

Live life to the absolute fullest!

Explore your heartache.

Unravel from the unhealed trauma.

Don’t let the pain hold your purpose hostage.

Don’t selfishly wallow in the pig pen of pity at your children's expense.

Don’t stay chained to darkness.

Don’t lie on your belly of sadness.

Don’t let the lack claim their abundance.

Rise up from the “ashes of defeat” by taking “proactive” steps:

Let your words frame their future.

Let your life be a testament of your faith.

Let your path ignite their hope.

Let your prayers comfort their sorrows.

Let your reservoir of living water saturate their barren places.

Water your seeds daily...

with love,

with patience,

and understanding.

Remember whatsoever a man sows, he reaps.

Are your actions producing blooms or weeds?

Even when these two think I’m being ridiculously tough on them, 

I pray that love abounds in all the empty spaces of misunderstandings and that they thrive on the manifestations of mama’s prayers.

I pray that my witness will always affirm my faith.

I pray generational blessings overwhelm them with peace, happiness, and much success!

I pray that when they feel depleted by the cares of the world that they know who to seek for the ultimate refill.

 I pray that my daily courage frees them from the clutches of darkness that tries to overshadow the light of their wings.