Favor Ain't Fair

Social media created a new phenomenon with "it’s complicated" relationship status on Facebook.

 I guess the hype serves notice to the "friends list" that this is not the platform to publicly display significant others and that keeping personal business off social media may be beneficial.

 I'm still guessing....

Maybe "it's complicated" is a testament to the uncertainty of claiming someone that may not "claim" you in return.

 If both are wrong, then please spare me the embarrassment; because I'm the one that relies solely on Google to decipher some of these abbreviations just to "comprehend" what's on some people's mind.

Or just maybe...there are a lot of representations of "soul ties" surfing the net. I’m not sure!

Who am I to judge, when my “love life” trumps nonexistent?

Recently, I’ve read an influx of posts on social media that screamed at my spirit (in all caps) with the caption that "FAVOR AIN’T FAIR" followed by lavish engagement announcements, cozy couple getaways or happy family moments.

In my trying moments, I "wondered" if God was withholding his "favor" from me because I committed some heinous unforgivable act of sin.

Did I fail to repent daily for my shortcomings?

Did I straddle the fence of uncertainty with prolonged fear, doubt and disobedience?

Did I outright miss the mark?

Some days, I felt down right short changed. I made a life out of striving, reaching and aspiring to be better but was I better?

My most memorable moments in life didn’t show up by way of a man making me a top priority, so I found myself overcompensating for that lack. In relationships, I became the martyr. I ALWAYS gave to the point of no return. Then in turn, I felt so resentful that I barely had anything left to give to self. As the relationships changed, I remained the common denominator. The results were the same even though the faces were different. My dysfunction became a magnet for other dysfunction that grew into toxic relationships of brokenness.

Needless to say, I've never been anyone's WCW. Is that even a noteworthy accolade for future aspirations? lol

So as they say, "favor ain’t fair"; huh?

That statement required me to do some serious soul searching and dig in my own fruit bed. I wasn't bitter but I felt cheated in so many ways that I tried to out give others. I outsourced my love, my help, my joy and my peace on several dead-ends streets. God never intended for me to bargain my goods in the alley way of desperation but that’s where I always ended.

After spending sometime in a series of Bible Studies that forced me to shed the veil, I’m learning more about God’s real favor. In what seemed to be the most lonely, tumultuous times, God was always there. He never left my side. Through every storm, his faithfulness proved to be true.

Now when the children of God proclaim, "Favor ain’t fair."

 I get it.

I witness it.

I live it.

My "relationship" with God isn't complicated. It doesn't have to be concealed. It doesn't come with a ton of stipulations. I don't have to earn his love and I definitely can't out give Him. It feels nice to know that his love is never one-sided. This revelation is worth every season of loneliness I navigated to get here on today. Be patient. God sees you and he will reward your faithfulness in due time.

This side of favor, is where we both belong!

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” -Isaiah 58:11

Addicted to the Struggle

Once I fell back in "lust" with carbs, I secretly watched as my physical health spiraled out of control. In public, I ate according to the desired social setting. In the presence of health conscious friends, my plate reflected their healthier options to escape judgment. However, in the company of others, we ate till oblivion or the "itis" set in. I was the "queen of adaptation," so this was no different.

 I was a survivor, a recovering food addict, a chameleon in complete disguise, not to deceive others but to conceal my truth. I was out of control and very few noticed because my conversations reflected such positive vibes. The mastery of deflection at work. My supportive nature became an escape. It was my defense mechanism to avoid the hard conversations about what was happening behind closed doors with me.

Somehow, unknowingly, I re-invited that energy back into my space and I couldn't get rid of it.

No one knew that I was "addicted to the struggle" again.

I treated food like a "sedative." It temporarily numbed the pain, filled the voids and it was pleasurable. "Bread" was my main drug of choice cause it didn't take much to get you there. Where? Sleep! Sleep became my double-edge sword. It was my antidote and avoidance all into one.

On Sunday morning, Pastor Richard said, "Ignoring the devil won't send him away!" I felt like a deer caught in headlights.

I was very guilty of ignoring my struggle. It felt like an unavoidable, hereditary generational curse that adhered to my bloodline. I couldn't manage to escape "it"  for more than a year at a time without relapsing.

Somewhere between the repeated spiritual warfare, I had dropped my weapons once again. I wasn't being proactive in the fight. Somehow, I changed my stance without knowledge. My spiritual posture shifted and I was out of alignment with God's word.

I allowed the enemy to lure me back into the wilderness with my Pharisees attitude in tact. I wasn't a babe in Christ so surely I couldn't possibly get lost! Certainly, I knew the way. Wasn't I following the Most High's GPS? But why wasn't I going the "right" way? How did I detour again? Here I was back lost and grumbling like the Israelites once again.

BUT not for long...….I'm speaking to this mountain and believing by faith that it will flee.

Don't let your wilderness experience rob you of God's promises. Even though, your flesh maybe addicted to the struggle, follow your heart. It already knows the way. God is a man that he would not lie.

 He wants you healed, whole and in good health.

Make space for your healing and forfeit the struggle. Your victory has already been secured.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."--Psalm 34:19

Arm’s Length

Make space for your healing without compromising divine appointments.

In hindsight, sometimes I complain about “juggling roles” because it gets overwhelming, but I overheard my mentor share a profound statement with a group of ladies. She said she only gets burned out whenever she doesn’t allow God to make the necessary provisions for her schedule. I’m not exactly sure what that looks like for her but it made me think about my own lack of time management. It seems as if I’m always on borrowed time cause I unintentionally mismanage mine.

By now, everyone has heard the record spin a thousand times bout my introverted personality. I take staying in my own lane to a whole other level; so much so, that recently God has been tugging at my heart on the matter. Now there are some people that I have to unapologetically keep at arm’s length because their energy weighs me down. I’m simply not strong enough to carry their burdens, but I try to tactfully remind them of who can in good faith.

However, God has been breaking the mold of my introverted, inwardly ways though. Sunday, I heard my Pastor share about how we become unknowingly passive with God. Uh oh, he was on my row! I thought I was becoming increasingly bored with the repetition of a routine and here he was stirring in my pot. Out of a fear of becoming hurt, I’ve always chose to keep people at arm’s length but I didn’t realize that I was keeping God at that same distance. Truthfully, my mouth and my heart were at complete odds.

Every time I get complacent, God kicks it up a notch.

Following church, I went home and started carving out new weekly goals. There was an added charge on my life. I needed to get pass the excuses. Fear still had me bound in some areas and God was exposing my crap for what is was-worthless!

I keep thinking back over those divine appointments I had to be missing because I was consumed with trying to make this a perfect journey instead of a progressive one. I’d heard so many complaints in life that I became a self-centered, punching back. I took daily shots at my self esteem. I was disabled because I allowed condemnation to cripple me.

I secretly refuted God’s truth with my narrow minded beliefs. I ignored his call because I allowed the enemy to seduce me with his lies. Every time, I experienced a major breakthrough I self-sabotaged because I was scared to take the next step. It was much easier to witness everyone around me give birth. My joy would come from watching them birth their destiny and launch out into the deep. Being a midwife felt safe because it didn’t require me to change positions. I could stay nested in the cut until someone summoned me. If they didn’t solicit my help, I wouldn’t oblige. It was a win win—well, until I arrived at Bible Study today.

I walked in on another charge. My self-righteous attitude caused me to make excuses and ignore people and their needs. It pains me to admit this but I didn’t care to be inconvenienced by anyone’s issues. My excuse was that my load was already heavy. I still carried baggage that God told me to put down.

Instead of numbing the pain of this awareness with a huge, plate of guilt laden carbs, I made an executive decision to step out the way. I enjoyed lunch with a group of intercessors that came to the table with lots of grace, mercy and love. Pastor Spivey charged us all to put our faith on display and we did just that for each other and I pray that we continue to do that as we encounter others.

“Arm’s length” may prove to be a safe distance from some people but is it the ordained place by God?

Big Chop

"Every woman that finally figured out her worth has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change."  -Shannon L. Alder

During a recent family vacation, I spent some much needed quality time with my love, my grandson. It grieved my spirit a little, realizing he's no longer the little innocent baby that I get to hover over as an overprotective grandma. Unfortunately, unavoidable life circumstances striped me of the privileges of being an instrumental key influence in his life. Rather than succumbing to the wailing tears, I chose to "live in the moment" and enjoy the special allotted time with him.

My phone wasn't a priority and social media wasn't a distraction. I freely chose to surrender my cell phone in a locker at the Water Park so that he could have all of me. He did just that. I'm sure he called Nana a few dozen times. Every time he took a plunge down a new slide, he wanted to make sure that I witnessed his leap of courage. He claimed my undivided attention and we both enjoyed every moment. We probably could've stayed on the beach till sunset but I felt it necessary to end our day to ensure that he was hydrated and fed. I'm sure neither of us wanted to end those cherished moments and head back to reality. Leaving the oceanfront meant we were one day closer to coming home and our paths would be separated once again.

Once we settled back into the room, I looked in the mirror with a defeated countenance. The day was perfect but the reality was unavoidable--it would soon end. Generational curses left a horrible stench in the air and I felt helpless. My arms seemed too short to reach him. My prayers felt stagnant. I could literally feel the wind being sucked from my airways. 

With blood-filled rage escaping my temples, I lunged for the kitchen digging for a weapon. I grabbed the dull shears and commenced to cutting my hair like a deranged mad woman. Those relaxed tresses, weighed down with old hair products and flat iron residue was definitely not me. The outer shell didn't reflect the inner me. I was really bold and unashamed but I kept trying to water "me" down to appear civil and polished. I tried to make this neat little package my reality but it wasn't my story!  I wasn't afraid to take risks and I had stepped out on faith with much less. This was nothing new. I really didn't care what others would say because I never was the type to entertain an audience.

This trip opened some doors that had been closed for years. This was like my third "big chop" and while others might have viewed this as an indecisive phase of hair cutting, it really wasn't about hair at all. It was about peeling back another layer of freedom--exposing a newfound liberating moment of self-discovery. Life taught me at an early age not to get too attached to anything and hair wasn't any different.

 It's always been easier to let go than hold on..... 

Walking out the bathroom with those relaxed strands  in my hand meant the final death of so many things.

 It meant that nothing or no one outside of God would control me any longer. 

It meant that I would no longer sit at the table, but I would have a voice at the table.

 It was my unapologetic "NO" without explanation. 

It was my way of living life aloud.

 It was a complete act of submission for this new upcoming season of obedience to God. 

I can't change anyone's heart.

 I won't force fit myself into anyone's life.

I refuse to live life on anyone's terms.

As I "unpack" my suitcase of past hurts, bad memories and self-sabotaging behaviors, I cast out pride, shame and guilt into the sea of forgiveness.

Time is long overdue to soar. 

The chicken coop is not where you belong. 

Cut down the barbed wire and LET FREEDOM ring.