Self-Sabotage

Yesterday, I watched with great pride as one of my spiritual sisters removed the training wheels and rode boldly into uncharted territory. I witnessed her courage as she suited up in God’s armor and dived right into the water as she lead and taught our Bible Study class. I whispered a quiet prayer and observed her obvious nervousness become irrelevant. She took the reigns in His power and stood firmly in complete submission to the Holy Spirit. I was thrilled for her but sad for me. I wasn’t coveting her assignment but I grew more concerned about mine.

Had fear caused my hands to fumble God’s ordained gift?

Had I forfeited God’s mission to pursue my own?

Had disobedience caused me to linger in stagnant water and self-contaminate?

Somehow, I managed to bury my feet in the sand along the sideline to secure lifeguard duty. My “tribe” repeatedly yelled for me to join them in the water; however, the sand was my safe haven. It supported the weight of my most intimate vulnerabilities. I was the seashore queen. In fact, I ordained myself as the self-proclaimed emergency personnel. I became the “call me if you need me” person safeguarding the weapons. 

In public, I was the hidden warrior that grew increasingly over protective of my peers but privately battled my own fears. Oftentimes, I waged the war of “self-sabotage” to secure my affliction and dodge accountability. 

I chased dreams that didn’t belong to me.

I pursued temporary placeholders to cope.

I drowned myself in busyness to avoid being productive.

I flenched at the pond of surrendering.

I hid from the voice of God.

I struggled most with being exposed.

Every time God sent help, strangers showed up with receptive hearts and gifts in hand. They took three steps forward and I took four steps back.

My defensive boundaries became an obstruction to receive. This infrastructure had become an invisible barrier to safeguard my heart. It was intended to keep the enemy out but it inadvertently became the portal that blocked God’s abundance.

Don’t allow “pride” to rob you of His promises.
Shake off self-destruction and secure your spot within his kingdom.