A Place Of My Own

My mind sailed freely into “writers overload,” watching the movie, Black Panther. It was a true depiction of my grieving heart. I secretly longed for “Wakanda” to be my permanent residence. They say, “you can’t miss what you’ve never had,” but I strongly disagree! You’ll “fight” your whole life, trying to get “there!” I guess, I’m subconsciously fighting to get to Wakanda, a place that doesn’t exist. (Talk about unrealistic expectations; huh?)

My complicated brain houses 70% of elaborate missionary goals of future international travel plans and 30% is the critic screaming within, “It’s not possible!” I intentionally suit up daily to fight against these dark principalities that come to steal my joy and invade my dreams. I fight hard to silence the small, intimidating voice that says, “a little country girl from the rural, unheard of area of Nash County can’t possibly make any major moves, outside of local territory.” Then there is the child of God that fights to overpower that lingering doubt.

There is a place within my heart that knows without a doubt that I am destined for greatness. There is God’s reassurance that I can do this! There is a warrior within that won’t quit! The more I dream, the more I see it coming to pass.

Note to self: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” —Phil 4:13

Lord, I believe it! Remove any doubt or sign of fear. If it doesn’t align with your word, “Burn it to the ground!” Don’t let my ounce of unbelief reignite the flames of self-doubt and overtake my mission. Don’t let my dreams die in the fire! Let them endure, without evidence of smoke.

That greatness I seek after doesn’t coincide with the luxuries of the American dream. I keep trying to convince myself that I need a newer car but the passion-driven introvert (I try to ignore) yearns for an extended international missions trip. I want to experience the world, not just travel it. It very well could amount to me, making strides to go off the grid in an secluded international island that welcomes what I have to offer. My destiny could be connected to a place I’ve never seen in the physical but dreamed of in the spiritual. (Movie reference: Wakanda lives forever in me)

Maybe, I’m just dreaming with my eyes wide open, while still lingering in the cultural restricted wilderness.j

Sometimes, it annoys me that I don’t want what everyone else wants to achieve. I’ve had a taste of “financial freedom” that came with mountains of devastating, traumatic pain. I’ve been blessed with opportunities that people work their whole life to achieve but that wasn’t apart of my dream. I bought into the lie and suffered at my own hands of conformity.

It’s amazing when people encounter my present-day circumstances. They secretly try to recreate their version of some pitiful “rags to riches story” that went wrong. They have no idea that I walked away, without fight, because there was no peace in the presumed wealth. (I’ve never told the whole story and I can count on one hand those that know the entire truth).

Some are validated by “things,” but that’s not my story. I wish it was sometimes—maybe then, “obtaining things” would appease the longing spirit. The longing to achieve more outside of reoccurring debt. Truth be told, I don’t want to live a life working to pay for luxuries. I’m not knocking anyone that does but that’s not me. I want “a place of my own” to be free—not enslaved to a thirty year commitment. Maybe, that’s an impossible, imaginary fantasy of where my nonfiction capabilities collide with fictional inclinations. In other words, not the realistic way of the world.

(I’m sure, I may not make much sense to some! lol)

I’m not disputing hard work. In fact, I was built from the “struggle.
All I’m saying, is at some point, don’t you get sick of the struggle?
Why is the struggle real?
Who said we had to struggle?
Didn’t we inherit God’s best outside of struggles?
So why are we still living out of a lack/poverty mentality?

Lord, let us enjoy the fruit of your lips. Let us hold in our hearts your word to be true. Allow it to resonate in our minds, as we keep our focus fine tuned to your will. Let us pursue your will for the reminder of our lives. Let us enjoy the FREEDOM that you unselfishly provided by the shedding of your blood. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.

Self Reflection: What are you believing God for without restriction, self-doubts or limitations? Are you believing for the impossible, made possible by a capable God?

Do you want a place of your own?

To be happy and FREE!